Advice for leaving

[Amicrazyornot]

Hi all,
So earlier this year told my H wanted to seperate. Been together 10+ years, married just over half and 2 DC.
I asked to be put on housing list as I have nothing - no job, savings etc currently. He won't leave as it was my decision to split and he doesn't want to leave kids.

To my surprise I have been offered a new home, with potential for moving in within a week.

I asked him to discuss with me how we could make this as smooth a transition for kids as possible - preferably with a gradual setting up / moving in time as I have nothing.

Hes absolutely furious. Says it's not happening, I can't take the children, this is their home & that I need a solicitor.
I can't just swan off and have no repercussions for ending our marriage.
Lots of other very bitter and hard things to hear - I am destroying my childrens lives, I am manipulative and have lied to get the house (truly haven't) etc

My family want me to leave asap and are willing to give time and money to do so.
I am worried that I will be causing untold damage to my kids (what he tells me will happen) and just so stressed and exhausted from constantly have to defend my choice.

Do I take the opportunity and go for it?
Or do I lose the opportunity and stay here longer until I can get him to be able to speak to me rationally about things & understand this is the way thing will be

I've been following your thread op and I'm sorry if I've missed it somewhere - but have you called Women's Aid? Maybe they could advise you on how best to leave and take the kids and precautions to take?

Don’t let him in the house again. I wouldn’t have let him in the first place. It’ll be your home. When he has contact with the dc and picks them up, under no circumstances should you let him in. Keep your house poison free. It will be your safe haven.

This is meant nicely.

Do you know that you don't actually need his permission for any of this. Telling him and discussing it isn't going to change that. You're just giving him sticks to hit you with. So stop.

@amicrazy - hope the night wasn’t too bad. I’m sorry he is being so horrible. Keep going, so nearly there. Agree with other posters, he has no business going in your new home.

@acrossthepond you’ve just described what I’m doing! I’ve been moving small, non essential items to my parents house for the last month. Selling stuff on eBay. Giving stuff to charity shops. My house looks like a bit of a mess (intentionally) but underneath cupboards & wardrobes are being sorted. H is going away on a trip early April so I have my action window.

It has been a long, hard decade & I know I need to do this but I am definitely feeling the FOG.

I think initially he will try and use the DC to punish me, but as he has not done any parenting or shown any real interest in the DC I lm hoping after a short time he’ll get bored and move on.

Thanks for starting this thread Amicrazy & thank you for all the advice everyone

Op, I've not read the full thread yet, but wanted to offer you some words of comfort.

I was recently in the same situation as you, I left my abusive relationship, with my 2 year old DD with me. Like you, I had nothing, no job, no money and I have no support network, moved into a council house. No carpets, no furniture etc.

I've been here nearly two months, we (my daughter and I) started out with only a blow up mattress, a toddler duvet and our clothes and now you could call what we have a home.

You're entitled to benefits, UC in my case, which is a god send. Once you're approved, you can get an advance payment. You pay this back monthly as a sum that's taken straight from your benefits. I took it all. There's charity's the council can put you in touch with that will help you with carpets and furniture, cheap paint etc.

I won't lie and say it's been easy, it hasn't, but, it has been the making of me. As soon as I posted his key back through his door and walked away from his house, a huge weight lifted from my chest. The first night in our unfurnished, uncarpeted house, I had the best night's sleep I've had in years.

DD is happy-go-lucky again, she's started at a nursery on the 15 free hours we're entitled to and I can breath again.

Take the house OP. Everything else will fall into place, slowly but surely. Good luck to you. Enjoy your new life, it'll be worth it.

@Moffa The longest journey begins with a single step, right? And that single step is "I'm gettin' outta here by hook or by crook!!!!" Keep going and soon you'll be free.

@Amicrazyornot

With the greatest respect, if you care anything about your children YOU MUST LEAVE.

Stop prevaricating.

Stop using 'mediation' as an excuse to stay.

You will not lose your children.

Stop letting him dictate what happens.

I don't know what else we can say to convince you to go.

Your poor children. Living with the pair of you must be toxic at the moment.

Pack and get the hell out of there, please.

Just to be clear; I mean take the kids with you, obviously.

Op please just go or he will bully youn into staying or worse hurt you...we are all very worried about you..

Just pack and go ..That is the sensible safe thing to do .

Again, he is not your boss, not God, he is just an angry nasty man.

Take your lovely dcs to your new home, sit down, make a coffee and feel safe and free of him.

Just leave at the weekend. He can't do anything to stop you, involve your family. Please just leave.

@amicrazy what are you going to do? X

@amicrazy how have the last few days been? I've now caught up on the full thread and I'm really rooting for you.

Don't listen to the things he says, it's just a tactic to get you to stay, it's textbook coercive control. He's trying to undermine your confidence and make you scared to leave. Any Mr nice guy act is also a tactic. To lure you into a false sense of security - maybe it will be better? Look how nice he's being, he's capable of change etc etc. He's not. It won't be. As soon as he's secure in the fact you're staying things will revert to normal.

Please, do leave at the weekend. This is your chance for a better life for you and your children.

I and many others on this thread have been exactly where you are right now, we speak from experience. You've done the hardest part, you've made plans to leave, you've recognised that you cannot carry on like this, for the sake of your children and for your own sake. You're one step away from a new life. Take it OP. Grab it with both hands and don't look back.

Hi all, apologies I have not been around much. It has been a hard few days emotionally & I have had to 'shut down' a little bit.

To cut a long story short, I am moving today, with children! The house is all set up, it is literally just day to day stuff and toys to move. I am a bundle of nerves but will let you know how I have got on this evening. ExH is aware and has conceded as long as I do attend a mediation session at a later date (which I have booked and confirmed).

I have found 101 to be really helpful. They have put me through to a great team who have called me regularly to make sure I am OK. They were supposed to do a home visit, but due to physically moving this weekend I am going to go and see them at the station. I rang then for clarity on what I can / can't do and to find out what they would do if they were called to a situation like mine. I did feel like a fraud contacting them, as it's not physical violence, but I have felt more reassured that at least I have notified them of things and I know where I stand.

I have a solicitor appointment booked. I have booked with an excellent mediation lady (who I could have hugged through the phone).
I have notified the schools so that they are aware and can support the children on Monday.

Final step today. I hope to message you tonight happy and safe in our new home.

Thank you to all of you for your support and advice. It has kept me sane this last week and it has helped me see through the fog to the common sense.

So pleased to see your update!

HAPPY MOVING DAY! 🥂

Hope everything is easier & smoother going forward. You’re so strong - well done xx

Absolutely amazing what great news. We are all in awe of you

Oh, wonderful!!!

Welcome to your peaceful happy home!!

Remember it is YOUR home and you do not have to let him over the threshold! You need have no memories of him within those four walls.

What a great update! I hope you will be very happy in your new home.

So happy for you op ENJOY!! you deserve this...let us know how you get on.

Evening all.
Today went well, very tiring.
DC took the news exceedingly well. We obviously didn't go into detail due to their age, but they were chuffed they have a new house. ExH was actually very supportive and positive and they fed off that too. He has been a bit upset at some of the things they have said, but then quickly reverted back to type (not going back to house without him there, let him have copies of any photos / paperwork I have). I did feel sorry for him as he's going to an empty house - but he is taking the kids out tomorrow morning, so I'm sure he will enjoy the quiet evening on his own. it still all feels very surreal.
I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and watching cartoons in the morning with the DC
It's actually a dream come true.
I know there will be wobbly days for them to come, but oh my gosh what a great start.
Thanks for all your kind messages.
X

P.s. not sure if this is normal or not, but even though I have house to myself I still am finding it difficult to relax and am just going to go bed (like I normally do, to avoid being downstairs with exH).

I was the same when I was first home alone. I would put the boys to bed then go to bed myself! Then I was the opposite and going to bed in the small hours. I usually go to bed for around 10om now. It's all new, you will settle in time. I'm pleased today went well.

Didn't sleep great, but was only first night!
DC have gone out for morning with exH.
Feels very strange. Still feel like a big knot in my tummy, hoping it will ease in time.
Hope everyone has a lovely day

Exciting times ahead for you and your dc. The world is your oyster.

It will ease with time. Just as anyone who has lived in any type of 'walking on eggshells' situation, the 'fight or flight' response is always half engaged subconsciously. It takes awhile for our brains to relax and realize that we are no longer in imminent 'danger'. So when you notice it or realize you're feeling tense, tell yourself 'it's OK, he's not here to do XYZ'. Say it out loud and give yourself a mental shake. That feeling will start to ramp down as time passes.

I found it easier to keep my same routine and then start to 'tweak' it a bit. Change your bedtime gradually. Start doing things he didn't like, for me it was eating in the living room and moving a TV into the bedroom .

Evening all, hope you don't mind me updating.

Strange day. DC went out with ExH for most of morning so I went out with my parents. Felt weird not having DC around but they had fun, by all accounts.
They came back after lunch and we just relaxed. Eldest has had a few moments of upset for no reason, but assume this is normal to feel a bit unsettled so am just comforting/reassuring him.

ExH had a bit of a rant about how he's not provided anything in this house (he has an issue that my family has helped me) and how will they know that he cares 🙄
I feel sorry for him, but then he will swiftly say something that reminds me that it was completely the right thing to do.

He has asked to have the DC this weekend, from Fri to Sun (2 - 3 nights) which I think may be a bit long initially and they may not even want to stay that long (away from me). I've said I'm willing to discuss though.

If anyone has any suggestions / experience would be so grateful for next steps and how to cope when the DC aren't around that would be great xx

@acrossthepond. It's still a bit strange, still have the knot in my tummy. I did eat ice cream tonight though, but still came to bed early slowly slowly, little steps, I think x