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Original poster

Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

245 replies

SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 20:52

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 19/02/2019 21:00

A fully nude private dance without your consent? Nah that would be a dealbreaker for me, no question. How seedy and disrespectful.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:02

Thank you Kitty. It is seedy and disrespectful isn't it. I actually find it totally repulsive. I can't make something that grim fit with the man I know. I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:04

I'm sorry you're in this position.bi understand where you're coming from.

I almost ended a relationship over my partner going into one while on a stag do so you can imagine my view of someone doing it independently, not even on a stag do and gettingban private dance. To me it is cheating. And I always think that if their gf did it with a male strippers (of for someone else) they'd see it as cheating too.
They just don't have to face it because they aren't really any male strip clubs and make strip shows don't have the same format or offer private 'dances'.

I completely understand why it's a deal breaker for you.

No doubt other posters will have different opinions though.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2019 21:04

That would be it for me

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:05

*And I always think that if their gf did it with a male stripper (or for someone else) they'd see it as cheating too.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:07

For me it's not compatible behaviour with a relationship; other people may feel differently.

This must hurt and be v hard op, sorry Flowers.

thefirst48 · 19/02/2019 21:07

I have no problem with going to strip clubs but a private fully nude dance is a completely different story.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/02/2019 21:08

I would feel the same as you in the circumstances. He chose to behave in this seedy horrible way. I couldn’t look at a man the same way again after that.

ScabbyHorse · 19/02/2019 21:09

I wouldn't be able to forgive this. It's really gross.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:10

We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently.

That makes it really bad too, it's not even like he thought you were ok with it. I also wonder if it's a regular/semi regular thing for him and you happened to find the receipt this time.

Lily715 · 19/02/2019 21:11

I broke up with my boyfriend because he had a private dance in a back room from a stripper/lapdancer on a stag do. We had other problems too. But I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore after that.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:11

Thank you so much for the responses. I haven't told anyone about this as I feel embarrassed. I am glad to get support here. It does hurt and it is v hard. I don't know what to do next. He's at his parents still and I know I need to make a decision but I can't bring myself to do it.

Thefirst48 - your post really resonates with me as I can't tell if I am over reacting, but your post tells me I'm not. Going to one at all, and doing what he's done, are different. I don't think he gets that.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2019 21:11

The private dance is the dealbreaker for me.

I don’t like strip clubs anyway but the paying for private nudity is a no-go and I would view it the same as cheating.

Also, that ‘they don’t let you touch’ stuff is bollocks too so you really can’t be sure if it was ‘just’ a dance either.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:12

Kalinka - I can't look at him at all at the moment. I am devastated :(

OP posts:
palmtree80 · 19/02/2019 21:12

This is really hard OP. I don't have all the answers but just wanted to say I hope you're ok. Thanks

I think on balance, deep deep down you know the right course of action. It is obviously heart breaking but it's a hell of a betrayal imo especially when a) he knew your view on strip clubs and b) he did it in such a devious and clandestine way and kept it a secret from you. Ultimately as heartbreaking as it feels, he has brought this upon himself.

As you don't have kids I feel you have less complications and you are at an age where you could leave him and start afresh and find someone who will respect you. This is what you should do I think.

I'm not leaping to the LTB advice as if it's that easy though as I know it's complicated, and if after time, and assuming he was fully contrite and appreciative of his failings (unlikely), you could potentially seek couples therapy and try again. But in this scenario he would need to make a huge effort and demonstrate he wanted to, and you would both need to agree boundaries, and all of this probably after a break giving you space to think. I would also insist on him having STI tests and you seeing the results. (Don't know what goes on with fully nude dances in strip clubs ConfusedSad). However, this option is a huge effort and based on what you've said I'm not really sure if he is going to change.

I really feel for you OP but I suspect you know you'd ultimately be stronger and healthier without him, in the end. Good luck xx

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:13

I have no problem with going to strip clubs but a private fully nude dance is a completely different story.

You'd be amazed at what goes on on the floor in sone strip clubs eg some UK strip clubs have full nudity even in table dances (at very least knickers pulled down to knees towards end of dance). They may also have contact/grinding in table dances (though of course officially there's no contact/grinding in any dances Hmm). Women tend to be v naive about strip & Lao dancing clubs

Heismyopendoor · 19/02/2019 21:14

I couldn’t deal with that. It would be the end of the road for me.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:15

*lap

Biancadelrioisback · 19/02/2019 21:15

Hmm see usually I have absolutely no problem with DH visiting a strip club. However if we went with a group it's very different than going by yourself. The naked dance is also a thing for me. I dont mind the public dances at all! And the pole dancers are really impressive! But a private dance to me is so close to cheating. It's doing everything but IMO.

QueenieInFrance · 19/02/2019 21:15

You have your boundaries. You’ve stated your boundaries.
He can feel strip clubs are ok but he also knew that, by going there, he was walking all over your boundaries.

It doesn’t matter if it was cheating or not.
What matters is that he didn’t respect your boundaries.
Up to you to decide if you feel strongly enough about those boundaries to make them a deal breaker.

justthecat · 19/02/2019 21:16

It would totally be the end for me.
Would he of ever told you if you didn’t find the receipt? - course not,so what’s it to say it’s the first time?

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:16

V sorry op I know talking about this stuff is nauseating in the circumstances but I always get frustrated at the "strip club ok, private dance not ok" view and genuinely think there's ignorance/naivety behind it.

BifsWif · 19/02/2019 21:16

Whatever my opinion of strip clubs may be, to go alone and pay for a private nude dance would be a deal breaker for me.

thefirst48 · 19/02/2019 21:17

@morality

I've been to a strip club a few times for drinks but never seen or wanted a private lap dance.

thefirst48 · 19/02/2019 21:18

OP do you think it's something you can forgive?