Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

I’d be devastated & would not be able to trust him ever again. Currently going through something similar porn / sex selling website etc - but this would be absolutely crushing and a total out of the door.

So sorry for you OP it’s awful isn’t it.

Absolute no-no for me.

If he was feeling 'restless' he could have gone and looked at some porn but chose not to.

Also drunken mistake really is scraping the bottom of the barrel of excuses isn't it?

My Spidey senses are telling me this is the tip of a large iceberg op.

OP I didn’t see this back in February but if I had I would tell you about my good friend who had a similar thing happen to her 5 years ago. We were working together at the time and he had, after a night out, instead of going home, gone somewhere in soho alone and had a private dance (I’m pretty sure it was fully nude but can’t remember now). She and I were working together at the time and she was barely holding it together. She chucked him out for a few days and then like you had him back - he’d admitted it the next morning though, lots of tears, lots of ‘I can’t believe I did it’. They got back together but split a few months later when they realised it had shattered their relationship (for starters, she couldn’t bear to have sex with him after, but obviously there were emotional/trust aspects unrelated to their sex life). She had a really hard time after the split. I stopped working with her not long after that and while we stayed in touch I didn’t hear as much about how she was doing - often would meet for drinks with others but you don’t learn about someone’s feelings as much like that as you do when you’re in the same office!

I met up with her for a long overdue dinner the other day and she shared the news that she is engaged to her new (well 3 years!) boyfriend I’m so delighted for her. I don’t know him well but he seems like a proper good sort. She cut contact with the ex after they split the second time but now cross paths occasionally socially and he seems settled too.

It’s a cliche to say time is a healer, but it is, and also if she hadn’t let him go she wouldn’t have all her happiness now.

I guess what I’m saying in a very, very convoluted way is that while it must hurt like hell now, there can and will be life after this, and love where you’re not looking at a man who has betrayed your trust and thinking this is the best it will ever be.

I’m wishing you stacks of good luck and have every faith that one day you’ll look back and think that this split was one of the best things you ever did. Don’t consider the Feb - July period lost time - you had to give him that time to see if this was recoverable. But now you know it’s not, and there are so many things in the future for you. Stay strong

Ps hope you’ve left that job, if it isn’t making you happy. If not, start planning to, and find the future you deserve. You’ve just proved to yourself that you can take control of your own happiness, after all.

Oh and new posters RTFT - the OP’s update is on page 8 and things have moved on

You poor thing 😔. I absolutely don't Blame you for trying to make a go of it, you tried and realised you couldn't get over it. Bless you, it's so tough 😔. You will get through this, 100%, just take each day as it comes. Such a cliche but times a healer xx

I'm as laid back as they come with DH, I wouldn't be phased by him visiting a strip club or whatever as part of been dragged along for a night out,

but a private lap dance, likely paid for from joint family money, even if it's his own money, no fecking way would that be okay. It's half a step away from hiring himself a prostitute, because he was bored & drunk, about as disrespectful of your relationship as it gets.

If he can accept how bad this is, then maybe with counselling, you could find a way forward but if not, then that would be the end for me too I'm afraid

I didn't see this thread the first time round, but I've just read it through from the start and I wanted to tell you that I admire you very much. Right from the start you knew this didn't sit right with you and you couldn't reconcile it with your self-worth. That's a huge deal. There are so many women who put up with shit, over and over again. I totally understand why you took him back, a long and happy relationship is hard to turn your back on, and now you know that you tried your best and gave it every chance. It didn't/couldn't work, and that's all on him, not on you. You're a strong and level-headed woman with a core of integrity, and I sincerely wish you every happiness and a bright future.

I actually think that very few people get caught out the first time. I think the chances of that are really tiny.

You've done the right thing, though I'm really sorry you're in such pain. What an idiot that man is.

@SenoraSurf

Gross - so to avoid feeling bad about one’s partner going into a strip club and watching the girls, we should escort him there and watch? Perhaps women should offer to pay for the dance too? What a fucking thrill that would be. Thanks for the advice, you don’t mind if I skip it though do you?

The day I agree to watch my husband getting gyrated on by half naked women is the same day he’ll happily watch me slide around on the oiled thighs of some toned, bronze, male gorgeousness.

Why is it always men who get the ‘Ok’ to behave in this way? Would OP partner be ok with her paying for another guys time and sexual thrills? I think not.

OP you are better than this and deserve better. Do not feel humiliated...leave that to your grimy other half.

I’m a man so take this with a pinch of salt, but I find it amazing that the OP and everyone would terminate a happy relationship over a lap dance. Thousands and thousands of people do this every weekend, I suspect most in relationships. Sure the guy deserves a telling off, but to end the relationship feels very drastic. I’m sure the guy thought it was harmless fun and it did not reflect on OP at all. This is not trolling, just an insight into how men think!

And yes I would think the same if the boot was on the other foot. I might tell my girlfriend off and then laugh about it, but would not consider ending the relationship if I loved her!

I don't even think it's that we 'can't forgive', just that this kind of betrayal kills feelings you can't get back. It's hard now OP but it won't always be and your future will be infinitely brighter without constant mistrust casting a shadow over everything

It's not about whether it 'reflects' on OP, or any other woman. It's about the way our feelings change towards a man once we know he thinks women are a commodity to be bought. For a lot of us that's enough to kill any love, respect or attraction for said man having seen a side to him we didn't know existed. It makes them, well, icky and a bit pathetic, so not much point trying to carry on a relationship once that happens.

But Jiboo you massively miss the point. By behaving in that way, you become someone else to your partner, a lesser person than you were before they realised that you thought this sort of behaviour was okay & not as disrespectful as fuck to your relationship & partner. Once that happens & we can't see you in the same way again, it's dead in the water,there's no going back fro that, even if you try, it's faked & ends later anyway

OP, well done. Better alone than with someone you can't trust.

Sorry to hear that.

This is not news but men are highly sexed. In a most men's utupia, he would have a harem of teenage girls or women no older than 22. He would be the king of everything and every gorgeous woman would be gagging for him. When a women isn't screaming with PIV orgasms, she'd be hanging on his every word, whilst waiting on him hand and foot wearing nothing but high heels and crotchless knickers. This is a man's sexual psyche.

Which is why most of them feel hard done by - even if they love us.
My view is - men will try get close to that fantasy one way or another - even if they love and respect .

Knowing that sex fuel gives them life force - how can it be kept in the open and directed in a constructive way, without killing the love, respect and trust. If it is shamed, they get sneaky and go into 'the shadows'.

If the man becomes possessed by his sex drive/libido, he becomes fixated on porn and ramping up the thrill - becoming a problem for anything with an orifice.

What a drag. I'd go to the strip club with him. Or allow him to go but tell him if you ever shag another women, we're done.

Chillz
What nonsense

@chillz, where on earth are you finding them twycross zoo??

Wtf 😂

Percypigparade

That 'harem' of available naked females is imprinted in males still from our primate lineage. That's why strip clubs are popular with men. It works for the monkey brain still active in men.

I don’t think this is a big deal at all. Lots of men get drunk and go to strip bars and pay for private dances, .There is no touching, no emotional connection. Men like visual stimulation, you are not married, no kids, quite young still. Just don’t see it as an issue. I don’t think it means he disrespects you as youve asked him not to. You could argue you should accept him as he is and not try to change him.

If the rest of your relationship is good, is this worth spoiling it over. Only you can decide if it’s a deal breaker. But you said he likes porn and this is just watching too and much less hardcore than porn

Really nit a big issue.

Christ, you don't really believe that shit do you chillz?

I think dh would rather have a cup of tea and an episode of Stranger Things than a harem of nubile 20 year olds. I'll ask him.

Did you ever find out why he did it?

I hope he doesn't come back.

Chillz is exaggerating for effect, but speaking as a man, they are much closer to the truth than the hundreds of people on this thread!

I honestly think a woman fundamentally looking at you differently and terminating a happy relationship for something so normalised is incredible.

If I found my girlfriend had been to a male strip club I’d laugh with her and pull her leg for being such a perve.