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Original poster

Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

245 replies

SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 20:52

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Doghorsechicken · 19/02/2019 21:19

So sorry OP, I can imagine you’re gutted. I’m the same as you, I do view it as cheating but I can tolerate having to tag along with a stag do. I draw the line at dances, especially private ones. It’s glorified cheating in my eyes yet so many people think it’s acceptable. When I hear of a man doing it it always changes my perception of them. Don’t feel like you’re over reacting at all, it’s the lack of respect & the fact he only did it because he didn’t think he’d get caught.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:23

Reading these replies feels like reading someone else's thread. I can't believe I am reading them about myself and my own relationship. I feel strong reading the replies and that they are unanimous. It gives me some clarity. But we have an open plan lounge and I am looking over at his "office" which is just an empty desk at the moment without any of his things on it and it hurts my heart. And what hurts the most is no, thefirst48, I don't think it is something I can forgive. How can I? Oh god, this is so shit.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:23

I've been to a strip club a few times for drinks but never seen or wanted a private lap dance.

Sorry, you've lost me.
I wasn't saying anything about people having or not having a private dance; I was saying that many people are very naive about what "table dances" entail (in terms of nudity and contact) in some clubs.

Clubs vary a lot.

crappyday2018 · 19/02/2019 21:25

I'm so sorry OP. I can only reiterate what everyone else has said. Personally I would have no issue with a man who has been to strip clubs in the past or goes to one as part of a stag party. But, I would absolutely not forgive sneaking off to one (the minute your back is turned), on his own and going as far as to pay for a private nude dance.
I would be questioning why he needed to do this when he is in a loving relationship?

Lightofday · 19/02/2019 21:26

Agree with many, the private dance would have been a deal breaker for me. The fact that he went on his own too...odd. Very odd. I mean that takes balls...makes me wonder if its the first time or not.

RomanyQueen1 · 19/02/2019 21:26

OP, that would be a dealbreaker for me because of the deceit, my dh has never been under any illusion. However, are you sure you aren't giving mixed messages ito what you will accept.
I mean are you sure he knows it was unacceptable. He hasn't done much to hide the evidence.
I'm not suggesting it's acceptable at all btw.

Haffdonga · 19/02/2019 21:27

Whether it's a deal breaker or not perhaps doesn't depend on whether he was alone or what type of dance it was. It depends on how you feel about it and whether he knows how you would feel about it.

If he knew that you would feel that this is a betrayal, then it is a betrayal. He knew where you would draw the line on this and he decided to cross it anyway thinking you would never know. That's what there'd be no coming back from for me.

Good luck OP

CryptoFascist · 19/02/2019 21:27

If it was a woman he'd met in a bar, or a friend of yours, who went with him to a private room and stripped off, would that be cheating? I think it would. It's no better because he's paid, in fact much worse in my eyes as he's treating a woman as something you can purchase access to. Lack of respect for women in general.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:27

It’s glorified cheating

I agree, if you did it with a "normal person" it would be cheating but somehow if you walk into a club and do it with a (mild end of the wedge) sex worker, it's not ... What?!

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:28

The the same guys you did that with a make stripper and see if it's not cheating and is nothing serious.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:29

Cross posted with Cryptofacsist

thefourgp · 19/02/2019 21:29

If you were to forgive him you would feel sick any time you were apart, wondering if and when he was going to do it again. Do you want to put yourself through that? X

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:30

*Tell the same guys that you did that with a male stripper and see if it's not cheating and is nothing serious.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:31

Thank you Romany that is interesting to think about. However yes I am sure I haven't given mixed messages. The things about going along with a stag and me thinking that's "okay" I have kept to myself. As far as he should be concerned it's a no go altogether.
He can't even seem to see the difference between the two now we have argued about it yesterday. "A dance is a dance" he said. Saying he wasn't sure what he had as he was so drunk. I explained very clearly why that is absolutely not true and I do not believe, obviously, that he can barely remember as he says. He is saying that so he doesn't have to give details.

To lightofday - I thought the same. Very ballsy to go on your own. Very much suspect that he has done it before. But I will never know the truth, he'll not admit it if he has.

I have known this stupid idiot since I was 14. We live in the town we grow up in. I can't bear this.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 19/02/2019 21:31

Absolute deal breaker for me.

I don't think you know who he really is, actually, and I think you've just discovered this. You're probably in shock a bit. It would be ruined for me.

The cognitive dissonance is the worst. Who you thought they were vs who they actually are....

punishmepunisher · 19/02/2019 21:32

Strip club I would think he's a scummy twat and would be pissed off.

Having a dance would have me pretty seriously questioning whether I wanted to be with him.

But the fact that it was a fucking PRIVATE NAKED dance would be it for me. I'd be disgusted and could never look at him the same.

I'd end it too OP.

RomanyQueen1 · 19/02/2019 21:33

I'm so sorry for you OP it sounds like you love him so much.
Why do men have to do such stupid things when they have so much to lose.
I do think you need a hell of a long talk and then either move on together or apart. Thanks

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2019 21:35

I’m so sorry OP Flowers

It would be over for me too. If he’d spent time with a naked woman he hadn’t paid it would be over and this is sort of worse as it was so premeditated.

I really feel for you. The embarrassment isn’t yours so please get support from kind friends in real life when you’re ready.

crappyday2018 · 19/02/2019 21:36

The fact he is even arguing with you about it and not begging forgiveness is also a disgrace. He's not sorry and is trying to make out its 'no big deal'. That attitude is almost as bad as the act itself.

Lightofday · 19/02/2019 21:37

Imagine if you hadn't found out! And he just acted as nothing ever happened. Or if someone saw him go there and told you, would he just have denied it I wonder.

It's pretty messed up. You think you know ppl...but boy can we be wrong.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 21:42

He is saying that so he doesn't have to give details.

Sounds right - it's amazing how useful drunken amnesia and vagueness can be when remembering facts would be very inconvenient.

In a note of clumsy attempted brevity op, if you do dump him you might save us from another "found out my husband has been using prostitutes thread" in a few years time.

Back on a serious note, I object to the mixed signals/ did you make it clear questions; its a sad situation if you have to make it abundantly clear to your partner that him going to a strip club on his own and buying a private "dance" is unacceptable behaviour.

Andyjakeydan · 19/02/2019 21:50

Just spoke to my stbexw about this and she said it wouldn’t bother her but she said she might have a different moral compass.....might have !! (She’s being seeing another man for the last 3 months hence why she’s stbexw)

MintyT · 19/02/2019 21:51

I would be very very upset, you handled yourself very well. You don't have to make any decision straight away. Let the dust settle. You then can decide what you want to do. A little time will do you no harm. Do you believe he was v drunk?

toach · 19/02/2019 21:55

You have no idea what services he paid for. You need a check up OP.

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 21:58

Thank you so much everyone. This is so helpful I can't even tell you how helpful. I am thinking about saying to come round on Sunday to talk. Maybe then I will have the courage to commit to explaining this sin't forgivable and it has to be over. Hurts to even type that.

MintyT - yes I do believe he was very drunk. He was drunk at 6pm (he'd been to a beer festival and he doesn't go out much). The receipt is for nearly midnight. Thank you for saying I handled myself well. I feel I am handling everything badly.

OP posts:
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