Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

If you shag a stranger youre not emotionally invested what’s that got to do with it? Cheating doesn’t have to involve any kind of communication.

Some women are ok with this as they see it as titilation and excuse it but most would find it rank and disrespectful if you wouldn’t have a naked man girating on your lap then you’re not going to be ok with it and you are going to class it as a form of cheating. He’s paid to be turned on what else would he do?

And btw he wasn’t that drunk or they’d have thrown him out.

Do you really want a future With this memory that you’ll never forget?

Sorry OP but when I caught my Ex cheating, he admitted to having these ‘private dances’. By the time he realised I wasn’t forgiving him and it was over, he confessed all. He told me he paid for sex with these girls. He said most of these clubs had the no touch rule but in reality turned a blind eye as it’s big money. Men feel more comfortable doing this than going to ‘prostitues’ as it’s easier to get away with. I’m not saying your DP has done this, just don’t assume I couldn’t happen in one of these places! Only you can decide if you can forgive or not! Hugs!

He broke your trust and breached his fidelity. He walked through the door looking for arousal and had sexual contact with a naked woman who was gyrating and grinding on his lap. In some clubs, the lap dancers do allow the customers to touch them for extra money. Many of these women are exploited under threat of violence.

If the relationship is a strong one, this would not be a deal braker for me. Not when you consider all the things people can and do split up over.

Another saying I wouldn't be too bothered if a stag do type situation (although my ex wouldn't go even on stag do's cos the drinks were too expensive and you can look at naked women on porn sites for free if you need a,wank!). But paying for a private nude dance is a whole other.level. he's chosen her on how she looks, may even be.one of her regulars and he is getting his rocks off with her through close intimate contact. To me it's worse than a one night stand as he's probably been fantasizing about it in the run up to you going away. I personally could not forgive or forget this and would be wondering if he was using the titillation to get aroused when having sex with me. It's shit but I really think you need to end it, keep.your self respect and move on to find someone who respects you.

Just get rid. You are saving yourself years of angst, eventually ending up on here 3 kids later saying he is sleeping with prostitutes (ask me how I know, lol)

What @tearingupmyheart ssid. He is actively seeking "forbidden" sexual.thrills and his behaviour is likely to escalate as it's like a drug and you need more extreme lengths for the buzz.

Next time you go away for the night/weekend, will you be able to trust him if he says he's home watching TV?

And where was the receipt when you found it? Had he made no effort to conceal it?

After all, if it wasn't for you finding the receipt you'd be none the wiser. It's not like he confessed of his own accord without the proof staring him in the face. On the other hand, only very slightly in his favour he could have not directly admitted it and instead spun you a line about how he must have picked up the receipt by accident in the takeaway he got on Friday/literally had no clue how it came to be in his possession/was pushed into going with some mates he bumped into down the pub and then he got hit with the group bill including the bar tab (ie no personal expensive dance) blah blah and then you'd be on here posting whether or not to believe if the receipt you found was his and whether or not he even went there and if he did, what he did when he was there. He's at the very least not denied going. Not that it makes it any better. Just that you have more information to make a decision going forward on, which only you can make.

It would be a dealbreaker for me also. It wasn’t a pre arranged stag do situation that you knew about and agreed with. He snook off on his own then had a private naked dance that’s cheating in my book. I also bet this isn’t the first time he’s done this

Definitely a deal breaker here. I have no issues with DP going to a strip club for a stag do etc, but a private dance is off the cards. The fact your OH knew how you felt & still did it anyway shows how little he respects you imo.

Grim as fuck.
I could never look at him the same way again.
I couldn’t be with someone that frequented these clubs full stop, and I honestly would leave my husband if I ever found out he had been to one. If he’d gone and had a nude private dance than he would lose a part of his anatomy as well as be served divorce papers.

It’s not just the secrecy, it the illicit juvenile thrill seeking and of course - and I know some will say it empowers women blah blah blah - but to me it’s the sexual objectification and exploitation of women via money.

So sorry OP. It sounds like you'll never have the same respect for him ever again, and who could blame you.

Also, I can't help but feel that this behaviour was a one off. It's so unlikely that the very first time he'd behave in such a way, would be the time you find the receipt.
Trust me, men like him are up to no good (Again, I'm sorry)

Yuck, how grim.

I wouldn't be able to shake the images from my head so would be a dealbreaker for me too.

It's way too sordid and nasty OP to come back from. He's paying women for gratification.

It would be game over for me.

Doesn't have to be the end for you OP but he needs to feel a consequence and understand you will not tolerate this whatsoever; don't think I'd give him a second chance but doesn't mean you can't or won't want to (we are all different) but in the meantime, I'd keep all my options open until I felt I either wanted to end it and move on, or actually give him a proper chance again.

I'm think I'm pretty liberal about porn and strip clubs on stags but going alone and paying for a nude private dance, he may as well be with a prostitute.

He knew what would happen and he did it anyways!! He obv doesn't love or respect you. Maybe he was looking for a way out of the relationship. I doubt this is the first time he has done this type of thing too. He's a dirtbag - you deserve better.

I would feel the same as you OP. I would not even be particularly bothered if my DH happened to be at a stag party and there is a stripper. It still seems part of some ritual and may be totally out of the control of your partner being there as a guest. However, going alone without any peer pressure or part of a bawdy group outing is a totally different situation! That shows a real intent to cross boundaries. And while many clubs might be run strictly hands-off, just as many turn a blind eye to ‘extras’. After all, private dances are generally in a secluded spot, one on one. Some lap dancers offer more than others with extra cash offered.

I would be very upset, only you know if you can get past this. I don't know if I would give up so soon. Talk to him, explain upset you are, how hurt you feel. And see his response. Everyone makes mistakes, don't let your be finishing this relationship if you don't really want. Has he contacted you asking for forgiveness and wanting to put things right. Just take time to process your feelings.

Just an extra thought - might be wise to try think about what you want to do with the flat before you tell him to get-tae-buggary. I mean I wouldn't like to think you either stay and can't afford the place on your own, or worse, agree to let him come back just to pay help pay the bills until the lease it up - and he winds up wearing you down into forgiving him during that time. Might be best to saddle him with the flat if possible? Who care's if he cant afford it, he should have thought of that before he stuck his face in some womans diddies.

I think it's too personal a thing for other people to be able to tell you what's right for you. Just for balance I wouldn't personally be upset if this happened to me but I'd be confused and ask him if anything is behind the change in behaviour. Getting tanked up alone and going to a strip club alone isn't something my DP would do if he was happy. I'd think he was having a crisis of some sort.

How would your DH feel, if you paid a man to rub his penis all over your vagina and face?

That nearly made me lose my lunch

He did something rather stupid and seedy, but let's be clear: he wasn't actually sexually intimate with the woman. She gyrated in front of him with no clothes on.

There might also be a context of which the trigger-happy posters here have no knowledge - underlying issues in the relationship, for example?

If you can be sure that your reaction has shocked him into never doing something like this again, then forgive him and move forwards together. People have done a lot worse, and the other person has got over it.

I am all for forgiveness.

Blimey some people would tolerate ‘a lot’ , it’s not so much the act even for me, it’s the lack of manners or boundaries towards the OP that would get me and the sneakiness. What next, oh I just thought I would hook up with one of those nice ladies who are kindly offering it for free off porn site ads and pop ups?

Lol thisnamechanger aye and he conveniently had his crisis on the one night he knew she was out of town lol. Lucky xD

I dunno, I think if there had been some sort of build up to it, like they'd obviously been unhappy for a while...and he came clean afterwords and was like, 'ive done this, so obviously this isn't working so we either need to split or do some serious relationship management' then maybe you could chalk it up to a moment of crisis.

But it sounds more like he went to that stag do several months ago and has been thinking 'hmm I must try this myself sometime' ever since...and the night she was away he got his chance. Like he is happy enough with his cake and eating it but wanted another wee plate of something something on the side, without telling her. And then when he gets caught, minimising it as if it isn't a big deal in order to make her feel the baddy for 'over-reacting'. And that isn't crisis, it's just being a greedy, disrespectful, manipulative prat.

Of course we don't facts about the lead up so we can only guess and speculate.