Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

*don't know all the facts

"What next, oh I just thought I would hook up with one of those nice ladies who are kindly offering it for free off porn site ads and pop ups?"

That's surely like saying that the person who got away with not paying for a bottle of wine at Sainsbury's last week will inevitably progress to robbing banks.

With luck, the fella's got the tawdry thrill out of his system and the shocking consequences will prevent him from doing anything like this again. Only the poster can judge this, of course.

I think it's weird, I'd be deeply hurt. But I could forgive it.

Quite a lot of women forgive men for actual sexual contact cheating and that astounds me. I think this is nothing in comparison. It's almost like live action porn. I can weirdly see why men do this. The fact that there's a receipt to me shows it was an above-board transaction i.e. no secret sexual contact and to me I think it's reassuring.

He's an idiot, but providing he never does it again and is willing to build trust with you, there is no way I'd end a good relationship over this.

The being on his own bit doesn't make sense to me though. What motivated him? If it was horniness he'd have gone to a brothel, but didn't. If it was loneliness, I may be able to understand? To me it sounds like a crisis.

good relationship over this.

It's hardly a good relationship is it if he did that in the first place.

I also disagree about the receipt, any extras would not be documented.

I can't imagine going there if I wasn't feeling horny.

Decent people don't go to strip clubs, period. He needs to not be in your life.

Morning everyone,
Reading and taking in all responses. Yesterday was a very bad day which is why I couldn't bring myself to open my laptop and update. I went to work yesterday morning but hyperventilated when I got there and couldn't catch my breath or stop crying. Luckily I work in healthcare so had a talking to and some deep breathing and then was driven home. I felt totally drained when I got in, don't know what it was about having to leave the house that sent me into hysteria. I messaged OH ( his day off yesterday) and asked him to come over because I just needed to see him. I am so upset and angry and confused but I needed some comfort and I don't know where else to get it from. Anyway he came for a couple of hours and we talked a little bit but I mostly cried and said I just didn't know what to do. I went for a shower and he went out and got me some food and some toiletries as there's not much in the house. Then after that I asked him to go and he took some more clothes etc and I said maybe we could see each other again in a few days. It was horrid to watch him go. When he left I just stared at the tv for a couple of hours, I don't even know what was on. Then I took some advice from here and asked my friend to come round so I could talk to her. And talk I did and I felt some relief for speaking about it but this morning I am just no further forward. All the posts on here from repulsed people I totally agree with and these are my opinions too, and I am disgusted and I am hurt, and I don't get it, and I don't know if I'm being told the whole truth as you all say, but those very few posters who say they would work through it maybe, I am clinging onto like an idiot because I don't know how to be apart from him. I have been pressurising myself into making a decision and so I am trying to cut myself some slack and realise that I don't have to make one yet. He's not here and as far as he is concerned he doesn't think he is coming back and that is ok for now for me. At the moment I can't break my own heart even more by making that final decision to say leave forever.
One poster above said, mourning a relationship you are still in, is a lonely place to be. How true. I feel very lonely. I feel very lonely and sad and I don't if that's because of love or because of habit at the moment? Time will tell I suppose. I need more time. That's okay right? I know what the right thing to do is I just can't do it yet.

Oh my god I am very sorry for the lack of paragraphs...I was rambling. The shame. My apologies.

It’s ok to need time. It’s ok to just breathe and get through an hour at a time.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to make a decision just now, it’s too raw. Be kind to yourself

afraid there might be more to this and he might suddenly get his memory back
sorry for me it would be a no and goodbye
how many more times has he been

Don't throw it all away, ask him to come back, draw a line there is no point going over and over and over. Nothing will change what's happened, he knows he's done wrong and upset. He knows not to do it again he can't undo it. But he can prove himself to you. I always think when you throw someone out it also means you can't sort it out. My DH made a mistake early in out marriage, he came back we sorted it out, he has never done anything for me to doubt my decision, we have been together now for 20 yrs. really it's not the end of the world.

Having some bored disinterested girl mechanically gyrating in front of you with no touching allowed doesn't sound all that arousing to me. I wonder if he did it because, at some level, he knew this would likely end the relationship?

I sort of agree with Minty.
If you think there is a way to move past this, if you think he won't hurt you like this again, if you believe there is a way forward, then take it. He needs to prove himself to you and earn your trust and respect. Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human. Ultimately it's up to you. But relationships don't have to be perfect or over. It's about you and your feelings at the end of the day. If you know you can't move past this no matter what, then you're right to end it.

If you do decide to stay together, you have to forgive him properly, and than means not holding this over him or using it against him in future. It's a huge ask.

Song, I’m so sorry to hear this and you sound lovely, by the way. Obviously you’re in shock right now, but this is a point in time and it will pass.

I guess for me, it’s a question of integrity. Can you respect a man who would do this of his own accord?

I’ve been married 15 years and we have 4 DC and my DH admitted to me he’s been in about 20 strip clubs since I’ve known him because he’s been on that many stag dos. I had never thought to ask him at the time and I felt angry and betrayed. He is adamant though that he never had a private dance. Like you, that would be my boundary. I know all clubs are different and some have women literally in your face anyway, but it’s the one-to-one element that would upset me and the paying for a specific woman.

Like I said to him, if a woman did that in your office, it would be cheating - no question. Why is it different, just because money has changed hands? Actually, the transactional part is what I find most insulting, as a woman.

I used to work in Child Protection with many girls trafficked into the industry. Some become so normalised by it, that they stay in it, claiming it’s through free choice. Of course, I’m not saying that all strippers are trafficked, but if I was a man, I would wonder what brought the woman to that point, when they’d be appalled to think that any female relative would make that choice. Yes, the woman may to all intents and purposes be choosing to strip in this particular club on this particular occasion, but what is the history that has brought her to make that choice?

Going into a club on your own is sad and seedy and I do think there is only a particular type of man that would do this. I would wonder what else is going on for him. However, you are perfectly entitled to your own standards and boundaries. Please don’t lose sight of these. He has let you down massively - can you live the rest of your life in suspicion, checking for receipts etc?

You sound quite young and no children yet? This is a good thing. Your whole life is ahead of you. Thinking of you and please keep posting, but also get some real life support. Even go and see an emergency counsellor, if you can, just to help you get your head straight. I wish you all the best.

"Everyone makes mistakes, we are all human."

Correct.

To be forensically clear: the stupid man has not inserted a part of his anatomy into another woman. Most likely, he never actually touched the dancer, or she him.

Which would have upset you most: the discovery that (a) a naked woman had danced in front of him for a few minutes, or (b) the discovery that he had snogged and groped a work colleague on a night out? To me, the later would seem a much greater betrayal.

If you feel you can get over this and forgive him, and that - crucially - you can trust him never to do it again, then do so. Men and women forgive each each other for far worse than this.

I couldn't forgive this. I'd think about it when I saw him. I'd wonder what he was doing whenever we did anything separately. I'd massively struggle to believe that while very drunk, he decided to go to a strip club by himself and get a nude dance, and that it was his first time. Both of those take some confidence. He didn't even tell you when he sobered up...

But if you feel differently, that's okay. You can try and keep this going. The risk factor here is that you can't forgive him but you don't want to let him go because he's all you know and your source of comfort and it feels easier to keep that than to let it go and start again... but if you're lying to yourself, you're going to create an anxious, chaotic relationship that feels very lonely and shallow. And that will just push the break up down the line.

but I needed some comfort and I don't know where else to get it from.

This worries me a little because I've been there and it's not a good place to be. My instinct says he shouldn't have come round while you were so upset. Anyway, you might find that it helps to completely stop any contact with him for 7-10 days and let your head heal. Find other sources of comfort, friends and family. Find a bit of a rhythm and a normality. Then you'll be in a better place to say whether you can forgive him, or if this is too much, without being influenced by him always being in contact, always being around, and reinforcing his position in your life. Hopefully, if you do want to try forgiving him, it would give him some serious time to think too, and he could find a way to show you that he won't do this again and your boundaries are important to him.

all the best.

The risk factor here is that you can't forgive him but you don't want to let him go because he's all you know and your source of comfort and it feels easier to keep that than to let it go and start again... but if you're lying to yourself, you're going to create an anxious, chaotic relationship that feels very lonely and shallow. And that will just push the break up down the line.
This is so true. This is exactly what happened in my case. And of course he did the same thing again, several times until the relationship finally broke up for good.

What did he say when he came round when you were upset? How he behaved and what he said would indicate whether he was truly sorry and wanting the relationship to continue.

There is no right and wrong decision here. Only people's opinions.
My opinion is that I don't think I could forgive this, however I'm not in your shoes.
I think for me, it would also depend on what he's been saying. Is he grovelling and admitting he's done a terrible thing and he'll never do it again? Or is he trying to make out he's not really done anything that bad?
If he's trying to play it down, I suspect he's not that bothered about the relationship.
Think about it. If you did something bad that hurt him, that you truly regret, you would do absolutely anything to make things right! Right? is he?

“Which would have upset you most: the discovery that (a) a naked woman had danced in front of him for a few minutes, or (b) the discovery that he had snogged and groped a work colleague on a night out? To me, the later would seem a much greater betrayal.”

Sorry but I disagree with this, I could forgive a drunken snog / grope in a bar more easily than a clear decision to go into a club and purchase the “use” of a woman. No he may not have touched her, but that’s not the point. It’s the underlying attitude of entitlement that would upset me - or that this is somehow ok because you bought it. Both men and women are equally prone to drunken snogs, emotional affairs, etc, but few women would make the “mistake” of paying a man to grind in their face.

(Sorry posted too soon). As I said, we are all human and all possibly capable of an infidelity (though hopefully not, obviously). But purchasing strippers is a different mentality and I don’t believe every man is capable of this. It’s the thin end of the wedge really. You can see how the belief that it’s ok to purchase strippers is the kind of mental dissonance that could easily escalate into the belief that it’s ok to purchase prostitutes because humanity of the woman is taken out of the equation. No empathy, no shame - just entitlement

I wouldn’t forgive. Men who view woman as commodities disgust me. I understand you have a different boundary on this, but I would really struggle to believe this is the first time he has done this and I agree with the poster upthread who said woman tend to have a naive view of what goes on in a strip club. A private naked dance does not involve a woman naked and dancing 4 foot in front of him. Sure there is variation between clubs but in my first hand experience, the rule is the punter can’t touch the dancer, nothing about the dancer touching him or herself...

You are young, you don’t have any children. If you stay in this relationship you will not be able to trust him or feel secure. Don’t settle for that, you deserve a better relationship with a better man.

OP you have had a lot of opinions/people sharing their experiences on here, so i want to add my own.

In 2014 STBXH messaged me one day out of the blue whilst working away (he worked away for many, many years) to tell me that throughtout our entire relationship (17 years at that point) he had visited strip clubs/lap dancing clubs. He just decided to tell me as a group of the lads had been talking about whether they told their partners/wives and so he just decided to tell me. It nearly ended our relationship but i thought he understood my anger - that I had never been given the chance to tell him whether I agreed with what he was doing/wanted to do by going to these clubs and as a result the relationship had been even more imbalanced (we had other issues in our relationship as he was abusive to me, this "confession" was just anotehr kick in the teeth!). After a week or 2 I said i would move on but the trust was gone. he promised me he would never go to another strip club again or if he did he would tell me about it straight after. Guess what happened in 2016? Yep. I saw a large sum of money had been spent in a place that's name sounded dodgy - and lo and behold it was a strip club. When asked, STBXH told me he didn't tell me because he "knew it would make me angry and cause an argument". Needless to say, after that and due to other issues our marriage did not last much longer.

It is entirely up to you whether you give him another chance. My STBXH never admitted to having a private dance etc but I wouldn't believe him as far as I could throw him, because he managed to lie effortlessly for 17 years to me, and I suspect he probably did but I have no proof. But without that, it was enough to ruin any trust I had in the man and made life miserable. If you give him anoher chance, just be prepared that it may happen again and you will be going through worse than you are now.

Having some bored disinterested girl mechanically gyrating in front of you with no touching allowed doesn't sound all that arousing to me. I wonder if he did it because, at some level, he knew this would likely end the relationship?

Always the naivety about strip clubs ; especially private dances in strip clubs.

Anyway it's possible some men do not see it as as bored, disinterested girl mechanically gyrating in front of them; just because you see it that way (probably correctly) doesn't mean they do.

The same and worse can be said of cam girls - but they still have no shortage of customers.

Some men don't see it that way or don't care.