Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

Op you (naturally) sound in shock and pain, take it easy on yourself; you don't have to make any decision immediately. Ending a relationship in any circumstances in very hard.

Time sometimes help make decisions anyway ie the decision keeps coming up because you can't get over it.

with no touching allowed

This is a big misconception. That’s the official line but plenty allow touching and more in the private rooms.

In my case (which was to my knowledge 'only' a table dance included with the price of admission on a stag do) I spent months ending and getting back together on repeat. I felt that breathlessness, panic, disbelief etc. when ending it early on. Later I felt bitter and resentful. We had endless talks about it, during which he said he was sorry and agreed to never enter that type of club again while in a relationship with me.

I was in an ambiguous moral position because (while this happened about 18 months into the relationship) in the very early days of our relationship I had cheated (kissing & sexual contact) on a night out, told him but minimised it, and this came out during our arguments ... that became wrapped up in our repeated arguments as well. You aren't in that position obviously, it sounds like you've done nothing morally ambiguous towards him.

We ended up finishing for a short while, then for 3 years (!) After which we got back together and are still together (though having a child has put a lot of strain on the relationship in the last 16 months).

Sorry to waffle on; my point is that (while my situation was apparently different in that it was on a stag do and not a private dance (though I argue the difference in some clubs), he agreed to never repeat it, even on a stag do etc. ... The point that it the decision will come out in the wash; shirt term or long term. You don't have to make it now.

I don't know (none of us do) if your partner did that as a one off of died it regularly, j don't know if it could (of has) escalate to worse elements of the sex industry or not. I do know if wouldn't be acceptable behaviour to me in relationship; I took years, two endings, and the belief that he won't go into a strip club while in a relationship with me, even on a stag do - to get over it. (And if I let myself think about it I still get angry).

Anyway, you don't have to do anything now, you may find time helps you.

I agree with what you said op,
My oh went to a strip club for a stag last year and there were no private dances in a room on there own. I’m ok with that as he told me he was going and it didn’t bother me one bit. If my hubby had paid for a private dance then that’s different.
The fact your partner paid for a one to one fully naked dance is an issue and I think I would end it if my oh did that. Not to worry you but I do know some very seedy places the girls are actually like prostitutes and the customers can have “extras” so I’d also be worried about that too. If he wanted a naked woman to dance for him why couldn’t he have asked you?
I told my oh before if he ever paid for a private dance on the stag do that would be it and he said why would I want to pay for a stranger to dance when I’ve got you lol.
Think you need more of a conversation with him about this

This is a big misconception. That’s the official line but plenty allow touching and more in the private rooms.

I keep repeating through this thread - people are so (wilfully?) naive about strip clubs, especially private rooms/booths. Some really do cross over into prostitution (and some of what happens even non private would make many women desperately uncomfortable,bid not nauseous) but they still insist on this view - it's like too many TV and film 'pg' depictions of strip clubs have imprinted in their minds.

Plus I have a feeling their partners are happily giving them this impression, for their own convenience - cause if they knew what it was really like, the 'strip club ok, private dance, no would go out the window.

As far as I’m concerned, if my DH paid to go into a private room with a naked / semi-naked woman, he might as well have sex with her for all I care. Why get hung up on the “who can touch who” and “extras” details. Who cares? The line was crossed when he paid her.

I've never posted before but I have been in a similar situation. My DH went on a stag do and had a full nude private dance. I was heartbroken we are childhood sweethearts I've only ever been with him. We have two children together.

We had a discussion about strip clubs previously I didn't mind him going in but private dances were a no no.

So obviously went he told me he had a dance I was really upset the only thing he had going for him was that he was honest and he was very sorry.

I did forgive him I won't lie this does play on my mind occasionally. But I couldn't throw away all those years together over one mistake. (That he hopefully won't ever make again)

OP what he did is so wrong but your clearly struggling without him you need to ask yourself can you forgive? Is it worth fighting for and will he do it again. Sending you all the love and support you need it right now.

The trust is broken and can't be revived, yes you can plaster over the crack but it will always be there, take your time, do not be rushed and I'd not be referring to him for comfort OP, stick with your friend.

@Moralitym1n1

I know - it’s so naive to think It’s all non-contact.

My DH went to a stag night where there were strip club visits. He went back to the hotel with a few other stags who weren’t interested in going in.

The stories of what happened in this very pedestrian club in Birmingham made me feel very uncomfortable.

I feel very glad my DH is entirely uninterested in places like that.

I’d probably ‘deal’ with a visit during a stage night but no kind of lap dance or private danice.

I still think it’s all nasty though.

From my perspective, actual intimacy with another human being - drunken snog and grope - is crossing a far more significant line than agreeing to pay to watch a girl dance nude, which while tawdry is entirely legal. Turning what the stupid man did into the script of a God-awful Liam Neeson film is not helping.

The thing about these men is, if you gave a man a private dance or had sex for money they'd lose it. Yet it's ok for them to do these things. Hypocrites

I was a private dancer in the UK for years and years and most of my friends are still in the industry.

I know you don't accept it and can not tolerate your husband visiting, but it really would be such a shame to lose your relationship over it.
In my experience, you get a few different types of men that indulge in VIP's. Your husband was likely curious and wanted a bit of attention. He's not addicted to the dances and didn't go in one for any other reason than that he didn't have anything else going on. He wouldn't have got anything more than a thrill and a chat with someone.

I know it's easily said and given you don't agree with the industry you it's not going to change how you feel about he situation. He's not the first man and he definitely won't be the last to have a secret trip in the hopes of their partners not finding out.

In all seriousness, have you tried going along to one with him? Make it a naughty night out for the both of you, enjoy the stage shows and perhaps have a couples dance with your husband and a couple of girls? It might bring you both closer and enjoy the thrill together. Generally men seem to enjoy it a lot more with their wives with them anyway- probably because they share the enjoyment and can finish their night together as a couple.
Obviously if you feel it would be too much for you, don't go, it'll likely make you feel worse.

You already feel jealous and insecure and hate the thought of him have another nude woman dance for him, I personally don't think it's worth making yourself feel worse and losing your relationship because of it. Explain to him how you feel, try and empathise perhaps and go in hard if he goes alone under the same circumstances again in the future.

Those who are saying it was a drunken mistake and they'd forgive it...

1. would you forgive it if the woman who danced naked in your husband's face was a work colleague or female friend? If not, why is that different?

2. Do you think your husband would forgive you if you had a naked man writhing all over you?

touching, not touching meh! that would not actually be the point for me, it would be that I would have lost all respect for him, I could only see him as a pathetic little man who sneaks about to get his rocks off and then gets all 'sorry' when he is caught out.

How could I fancy a man like that in the future would be in the top of my mind. He would be out.

In all seriousness, have you tried going along to one with him? Make it a naughty night out for the both of you, enjoy the stage shows and perhaps have a couples dance with your husband and a couple of girls

You are out of your fkg mind if you think most heterosexual women want to go along and 'enjoy' watching other women strip, gyrate etc. With or without their partner.

If I want to get involved in stripping etc I'll go and get a MAN to strip for me.

I'm not going to further foster and pander to men's porn related fantasies that were all secretly lesbian and enjoy other women in a sexual way.

Some people have more self-respect Senora and we don’t all need simulated, fake sex.

Hardly the right time for a fun night out for the OP and this tosser, is it?

I know of a girl who tried to be 'cool' and went along - she felt sick, was made even more uncomfortable and hurt at seeing how obviously he was into it/getting off on it, and the relationship ended not long after.

In all seriousness, have you tried going along to one with him? Make it a naughty night out for the both of you, enjoy the stage shows and perhaps have a couples dance with your husband and a couple of girls

Ugh. Fgs.

Senora is probably a man tbh. There’s always this predictable suggestion on any thread about stripping, it’s like they have radar.

That's right 'ladies', don't get upset or alienated by your man indulging in the lighter (?) side of the sex industry - get cool with it and join in!!

Who wouldn't enjoy watching other women getting naked, gyrating, grinding etc for your partner and others men's viewing pleasure and stimulation.

Why not get involved too - you know you're secretly lesbian and want to touch and admire her too.

It's so empowering!!

And just think of the hot sex you'll have afterward when he's all gee'd up from watching them and you being so cool with it and involved as well.

How come noone suggests this to men at make strip shows or clubs?

It's unimaginable.

Cause we're supposed to pander to their sexuality at every turn and in every way.

And the poster who said that the men who do this would blow a fkg gasket if their partner did anything similar with a man is 100% on the money too.

Oh dear, I can think of a million better ways to waste money than paying for another woman to turn my husband on, it would not jack shit for me, probably make me feel inferior if nothing else, no thanks.

*male