Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

Get an STI check yourself. He didn’t admit things to you, only said when you pressed him - including about the details. He does not sound very sorry. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP - but at least you know now rather than further along the line - if you had kids etc and it became more complicated.

For those of you who are struggling to comprehend the OP leaving a relationship over a strip club (despite giving it a try) would you be so relaxed if you found your DP getting a naked lap dance from a neighbour?

I always struggle with the argument that it’s ok because it’s a financial transaction for entertainment. Why does paying for it make it ok?

Ah so you're finding them at the primate enclosure if twycross zoo to be more accurate then @chillz

Millions of years of evolution and people are still on that shit....please.

Humans as a species don't have social groupings of one dominant male and a "harem" of females. This idea of harem was all created by male ego in our species, it's not the natural order.

It's attitudes such as these that keep us stuck where we are as a society.

Utter bollocks

I'm guessing as long as it has opposable thumbs it fits the criteria for chillz.

Also guessing chillz is a man.

I've just asked DHs opinion on this & he's agreeing with the girls on this one.

He says it's seedy & objectifies women in a way he has never felt comfortable with & especially now he has a DD. Yes he's been to strip clubs & the likes as he gets dragged along by cousins when visiting family as it's a weekly thing for them, but he hates it & has rang me from the venues to apologise for being there at all, even though he knows I'll understand why he's there. The sneakiness of the OPs situation & a private dance, in his opinion makes it 100x worse & he doesn't understand why the other guys don't get that. Nor does he believe that if the tables were turned, that the guys commenting here would genuinely be okay with it, his opinion on that is, that yes of course they can say that as they know damn fine that isn't going to happen & neither is there a culture of objectifying men that would make that act 10x worse & lead to suddenly feeling so deeply disappointed in what your DP sees as okay, that you no longer relate to who they are

He gets it, the guys in here need to wake the fuck up🤷‍♀️

Just RTFT, didn’t see it back when it was originally posted.

I think you have 100% done the right thing and I am glad you have found the courage and self esteem to do so. This could just have been a one off but it sounds like a rather random thing to do alone one night, drunk or not. I personally reckon he’d done it a few times before but you hadn’t found out about those ones.

A strip club would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m aghast at women who go along with their partner’s/husbands to one. My DH’s best friend and his fiancé do it fairly regularly... I can’t imagine paying for another woman to turn my husband on.

Bless you OP. Thanks for the update.
For many this is a deal-breaker and it was for you.
You tried again but you knew he wasn't the same man after you found out what he had been up to.
It's the same for many of us.
We think we can forgive and move on, but we just can't.
Take each day at time.
Keep crying when you want to.
But do look after yourself.

I honestly think a woman fundamentally looking at you differently and terminating a happy relationship for something so normalised is incredible.

Something being normalised doesn't make it right. Men who pay for women's bodies are somehow less in my mind, seedy, sad, pathetic and I couldn't stay with someone I felt those things about. It puts a man into that sort of creepy 'incel' category for me when he pays for access to another human beings' body, makes me feel there must be something wrong with him that he has to/is wiling to pay for it.

Men tend to think it's about jealousy, possessiveness or just wanting to spoil men's 'fun', or that we're insecure about women with 'better' bodies than us. It really isn't, for me anyway. It's just that men who pay for women's bodies make my skin crawl in exactly the same way as the perve who flashes women and kids in the park or the weird guy who sits next to the lone woman on an empty bus. Like I said, icky 🤮

OP, ignore the idiots who say it’s normalised. Sneaking out to do this when you were away is not remotely ‘something to have a laugh about’ and the only intelligent women I’ve met who would be remotely ok with it are for whatever reason desparate to hang onto abloke (often financial reasons) or actually don’t have that great a relationship. Porn is normalised too, doesn’t mean that all women should just shrug their shoulders and say ‘hey, I’m cool with it’ if they aren’t.

@chillz

My sex drive is nuts. I’m a woman who could find time to do the deed three times a day easily. I get moody as hell when I haven’t had sex. My husband on the other hand is not at all highly sexed. He’d be more than content with once a week.

So I guess your theory is pants. And I’ve never used my high sex drive as an excuse to treat my husband with a lack of respect.

I might fantasise about six naked fellas attending to my every whim, but I don’t feel hard done by that I don’t have that. I am adult, intelligent and have made my choice in my husband. Ridiculous to suggest men are too stupid to think the same way.

@Jiboo2

If my partner got a private dance at a strip club he’d be gone. Whether you think that’s OTT or not is irrelevant. I get to make that choice.
I think it’s a seedy and grimy behaviour. Similarly I personally wouldn’t date a smoker; drug taker or alcoholic. It’s down to personal choice and personal boundaries. Cross mine and I’ll find someone better than you.

Of course its cheating

He lied, he cheated. Get a check up.

Dont listen to these idiots who try to say its normal. Its not normal behaviour. Its grim and seedy. A prince among men . Get rid.

So sorry OP. You're right each to their own but I would be so upset by this and probably wouldn't be able to forgive. Maybe you should ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. How upsetting.

urgh yes this is SO seedy and i doubt his first foray. it's one thing to go with your mates and have a laugh (although still wouldn't love it) but to go on your own for a fully nude dance is practically seeing a prostitute. be glad you don't have kids. yuck.

Went looking for this thread after reading another this afternoon about strip clubs which took me right back to last year.
For those wondering, he never came back. I stayed in our home and I kept the cat.
Everything that happened still hurts when I think about it (although I don't usually think about it), I am not dating although I have a fwb situation going on because I still have needs and wants!! Even though I don't want a relationship. I am not ready. People seem to find that weird like I should be over it by now and with someone else? Not sure what makes it anyone else's business?!
Mostly I am happy but I do get lonely (hence fwb). I redecorated at home and changed as much furniture as possible so the place felt like mine and not ours.
I think I thought I would be further along mentally/emotionally than I am, a year down the line, but I try to remind myself reading this thread back, where I was then and where I am now.
Him and I don't see each other. We talk sometimes but it's all very polite and lacking in substance. we tried to be friends (known each other a long time) but it was just weird and it didn't work. I feel sad about that but then I didn't cause it.
Anyway, just wanted to update for anyone who may have been interested.

I honestly think a woman fundamentally looking at you differently and terminating a happy relationship for something so normalised is incredible

@Jiboo2 he didn't just watch the normal stuff though he had a private dance with the woman naked. That is not normalized.

Thanks for the update OP. Everything takes its own time. xxx And yes, looking at where you were at first, you're doing great. xxxxx

Hi there. I haven't RTFT but have read all your posts. The overall theme of this thread (IMO) is that you have done a lot of soul searching and self justifying. What seems to be missing is genuine regret from him.
Rather than question yourself look for the gaps. What he has not said / done, eg
I knew you wouldn't accept it
I am genuinely remorseful
I value you too much
I beg your forgiveness etc etc
Unless I've missed those sentiments (in which case apologies) then he is wholly responsible for this.
Anyway glad you're doing better 💐

I’m so sorry this must be really hurtful. I think it would be more forgivable if he had just gone to a bar and had a kiss with someone tbh. To go there with the intention to do what he did is really seedy and horrible and I wouldn’t be able to ever trust him. What would be next prostitutes ! I think certain types of men go to them places and he is obviously one of them. I would be working out my plan to leave. I hope your ok x

Well done op for sticking with your standards. I’m sure it does still hurt. Things like that can ruin trust. Hard to respect men sometimes when so much of what they do is driven by their ego and their cock .
I’m in the process of reviewing my relationship and feeling very sad atm because I think I have to make the same decision. Fortunately we don’t live together .
Hope your fwb is nice and you’re happy on the whole.