Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

245 replies

SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 20:52

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
porridgeface · 19/02/2019 21:58

I don't have a problems with Strip clubs, I draw the line at paying for private dances though.
Going on his own would be the part I think I would find it hard to get over though x

tomatostottie · 19/02/2019 21:59

Sorry OP, it's awful.
My ex was visiting brothels. I forgave him and believed all his claptrap that he came out with. I forgave him more than once. I ignored advice from people on mumsnet to get shot of him. Well I did, but I took him back.
I just do not know what I was thinking.
He also had various excuses for it and it was normally that he was so drunk he didn't know what he was doing.

He had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever and that was apparent in other areas of our life together as well. My self-esteem hit rock bottom and when he eventually left for good a few months ago I had nothing left. I was completely empty.

The thought of why I wasn't good enough so he had to go to a brothel just wouldn't stop going round in my head. Also the images of what he had been doing with prostitutes.

Please, for your own sake, do not take him back. It was a disgrace what he did and deliberately planned because you were away. You would never be able to trust him again. If you do forgive him and take him back he will have little respect for you because you have not respected yourself. That happened to me.
I am getting myself back together slowly now but I'm only just realizing what a state I had got into.

And he will do it again...

Ovendoor · 19/02/2019 21:59

Sorry to read this. It would be a total deal breaker for me.
I feel the same as you about strip clubs, and explained it to DP by asking if he would be ok with me dancing fully or half naked for another man, if he paid me. The answer was a resounding no, and it certainly sent the message home.

Good luck xxx

Original poster
SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 22:09

Tomatostottie thank you. I have heard the I was so drunk I didn't know what I was doing. Almost to the letter. I also, am wondering why I am not good enough that he wanted to do this. You have really hit the nail on the head and I know I should follow your incredibly good advice. It all rings true.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 19/02/2019 22:11

I don't think I would personally see it as quite so terrible - but thats irrelevant.
The issue here isn't exactly what he has done, it is that he has done something he knows you feel strongly against.

That would be incredibly difficult for me to get over. I'd need a frank and honest discussion, in person about any previous misdemeanors before I could decide.

tomatostottie · 19/02/2019 22:13

I have struggled a long time with the "why am I not good enough" question but I am getting to the point now where I can turn that around "Someone who goes to brothels and pays for sex is not good enough for me. He has some kind of problem that has nothing to do with me."
He was going to brothels before we got together (claimed it was only a couple of times when he was 18 - different culture here so more "normal"). He is now going to the brothel very regularly since we split so it really was nothing to do with me at all.
It's their problem, not ours, it really is.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 22:18

I also, am wondering why I am not good enough that he wanted to do this

It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

They'd do it to anyone.

If I could out that in a t shirt and force it to be given to all girls leaving school, i would.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 22:19

*put

MsDogLady · 19/02/2019 22:22

My husband would be out and I would consider it cheating.

My view is that he paid for a sexual experience with another woman, who was likely grinding on him. Also, he was contributing to the sex trade, and this woman had possibly been coerced/trafficked to work there.

Your partner knew your boundary and he was happy to stomp on it on his way to the strip club when you weren’t looking.

Ellabella989 · 19/02/2019 22:24

If he had just been inside the strip club for a few drinks then i’d be angry but wouldn’t end things. To pay for a private fully nude dance would be game over though. And the fact he went alone would be a deal breaker too (I think it’s gross when groups of men go to them on stag dos but at least there’s some sort of reason for being there).

MargueritaPink · 19/02/2019 22:30

A strip club would be a deal breaker for me let alone this. I would utter contempt for him.

hinely · 19/02/2019 22:32

I'd be wondering what happened after the dance - did it lead to paid sex inside/outside of the venue? Who knows what else he's covering up. Now that he's had a taste (presuming it hasn't happened before), he could well continue doing it and just be more secretive.

It's your decision but in the long term you'll most likely better off by ending the relationship in my opinion.

pinkgloves · 19/02/2019 22:38

Even a strip club would finish our marriage. And we have a child. A private dance? Very nasty, even if I wanted to I could never bring myself to have sex with him again, he'd revolt me.

I'd be surprised if it's the first time he's done it too. You poor thing. Thanks

summersoonplease · 19/02/2019 22:40

So sorry to read your post, no wonder your in a pickle. I'd be in a state, I would feel physically sick,. I'd play mind games with myself 'is he thinking of her whilst we make love' 'has he got a taste of that now' 'has he done it before' 'am I enough' it would eat and eat at me. I can offer no advice really, it depends on how you feel you can cope with it. Everyone is different. I'm so sorry your hurting. I guess meet with him , you will know in your gut if you can continue in your relationship. Sending hugs x

Huskylover1 · 19/02/2019 22:50

How would your DH feel, if you paid a man to rub his penis all over your vagina and face?

You are not over reacting.

What about if Sharon from next door, had been in your home, naked dancing for him? Is that better because it's free?

Planning it, going there, paying for it, is far more calculated than a drunken mistake.

It's heartbreaking. I'd leave him. My first DH was like this. My now DH is not.

MsDogLady · 19/02/2019 23:14

@Song, as @Moralitym1n1 said, this is not about you at all. It is about your selfish partner’s weak boundaries. He feels entitled to seek illicit sexual thrills.

stopitandtidyupp · 19/02/2019 23:36

I left my marriage for
Similar 12 years ago when I was 26.
He lied and blamed others which made it worse.

I am so sorry op. I remember the heart wrenching, vomit inducing feeling of despair. The world seems surreal. Hugs xx

PenniesforNothing · 19/02/2019 23:42

That is out and out cheating. Disgraceful.

If you had any self-respect you'd leave him.

Yuck.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 23:50

Fir me it’s cheating and worse because he sought it out and paid for it I couldn’t trust him and that would be the end.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/02/2019 23:57

He cheated on you. He had a sexual experience with someone else, planned it for when you were away, and was no doubt feverishly excited about it. He lied, and he used another human being sexually, as an object to be bought. You cannot trust him and you can’t respect him. So for fuck’s sake don’t stay with him.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/02/2019 00:09

Just as a devils advocate to all the 'he planned it, he's evil' posts - what is he like in the rest of your relationship? Is he loving, respectful, kind? Could it be that he just made a stupid drunken weird mistake and it's not worth throwing away the lives you've built together?

I'm not saying you should put up with any kind of shit or disrespect but just sometimes you don't have to hit the nuclear button. We are all human and make stupid mistakes at times.

I would shred my dh for this but I wouldn't leave him. Not if it wasn't part of a pattern.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2019 00:13

Then why didn't he choose a night that op was around and simply give her a cheery wave and a "see you later when I've got my rocks off with a stripper" on his way out to the sex establishment ?

This was not a "mistake" this was a deliberate act

Adora10 · 20/02/2019 00:37

Who said he was evil???

Yeah encourage staying with a dirty cheat, after all it was a mistake he planned and accidentally got a Hardon with a strippers pussy in his groin 🤔

ILikePaperHats · 20/02/2019 00:43

I wouldn't be happy about it, but I wouldn't throw the relationship under the bus if it has been good previous to this. Everyone's allowed a moment of madness and I wouldn't call it cheating. He's hardly emotionally invested in someone else is he?

AgentJohnson · 20/02/2019 00:44

Drunken mistake, my arse! Drunk enough not to fully remember but sober enough to to know that more didn’t happen. He knew what he was doing and you’re probably right, this probably wasn’t his first.

The act was bad enough but the subsequent minimising says a lot about how much he values you.

The him before you found out is in the past, replaced by the reality that getting his rocks of was a higher priority than respecting your boundaries.

I can understand your reticence but you now know he’s a liar and an accomplished one at that. Him staying will probably be just as hard, probably even harder, than if he went. The wondering would eat away at your self worth and if he follows the script, you would be under enormous pressure to ‘get over it’ —develop amnesia—.

Mourning a relationship you’re still in, is a very lonely place to be.