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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:05

Well you can learn from this.

RedTartanLass · 19/02/2019 18:07

You only regret it because you were caught!! You were at it for 2 years!!

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 18:07

I read that once and then read it again

2 years!!!!!!!!

2 years you had an affair for! So for 2 years you were trying for a baby? 2 years you could have stopped and didn't.
2 years you hurt not just your wife but another man in the process.

Two years!!!

You feel bad now as it ended, that's the only reason you feel bad. but you had 2 years to end it and were selfish. I have no sympathy for you.

springydaff · 19/02/2019 18:08
Flowers
TC07 · 19/02/2019 18:10

All I read is how much pain your affair caused you. How is your ex-wife doing? What about your affair partners husband? How much pain did you cause them?

You make it sound like a silly mistake but you carried on for 2 years. You had plenty of opportunity to stop this.

showerpower · 19/02/2019 18:10

No sympathy, actions have consequences. Make sure your brain is in your head and not your dick next time.

TearingUpMyHeart · 19/02/2019 18:11

Oh god, with my ex it was five years. I still count everything that way. Oh photos from 2011 - when I was happy. Ah status update from 2014 - he was already unfaithful. My life was a lie

My advice? Just forgive yourself and move on. It's not possible to go back in time. Noone listens to other people's advice. Try not to hurt your next partner this way.

TC07 · 19/02/2019 18:12

I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

So, you wouldn't make a different choice to spare your ex-wife's feelings, but your own?

I don't think you have learned anything from this little 2 fucking years mistake

thefirst48 · 19/02/2019 18:14

If you really loved your partner you wouldn't of done the dirty on her for years. Move on, learn from it and don't do it again!

Queenofmyownheart · 19/02/2019 18:15

Boofuckinghoo. You are the lowest of the low. No real man would cheat on his partner he'd have the balls to turn down another girl if he really loved his partner. I'm glad your unhappy, I bloody well hope your ex is happy how miserable you are. Eurgh.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/02/2019 18:19

However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it.

Well, here's my trick; I don't send messages to anyone ever that would hurt my DH to read. We don't check up on one another because, well, it's not normal, but I just don't send anyone texts, emails, snapchats or any other kind of communication that he would be hurt by, that way my marriage is pretty lovely and nobody needs to sell the house. So if you've sent shitty messages that "didn't need to be read" you probably shouldn't have sent them. All the projecting "he did this" simply points the blame elsewhere; if you didn't want her to read them you shouldn't have sent them.

All this is about you; how it hurt you, what you lost.

extraspoons · 19/02/2019 18:20

I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now

Well, I'll give you credit for this as my (ex) husband would NEVER be able to feel the pain he causes others - only his own pain. And he would somehow turn the fact he was unhappy into my fault. At least you are, at least in part, owning your own responsibility.

flapjackfairy · 19/02/2019 18:21

Well I for one will not vilify you and your willingness to express your massive regrets and try to prevent others from making the same mistakes.
You cannot change things now so all you can do is learn from it , move forward ( trying to repair any damage you can ) and try to forgive yourself . In time you will rebuild your life and it will get easier.
I don't think you need anymore of a kicking though no doubt you will get it on here.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 18:22

I’ve not put it across well. The pain I caused her is what I’m hurting at. I didn’t realise you can cause so much pain that you feel it yourself, and your partner can get so angry that you don’t recognise her but it’s down to your own actions.

OP posts:
purpleelk · 19/02/2019 18:22

“last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship”

And THIS is exactly why I don’t understand when women are advised here to “keep out of it” when they discover an affair and not tell the other woman’s partner he is also being cheated on.

Assholes like this fuckwipe being relieved he’s helped destroy someone else’s marriage and thinking now he can focus on lying more to his wife and pretend he didn’t didn’t have an affair. Because you know, it was partially her fault making him feel like he wasn’t good enough in the first place.

showerpower · 19/02/2019 18:23

What the hell did you think would happen ?

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 18:26

@purpleelk 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

And OP you only feel guilty that you've been caught. You say it was only sex, but two years and the messages sent to your wife. I'm sure after 2 years it was more than just sex.

labazsisgoingmad · 19/02/2019 18:27

you just want to hope karma doesnt bite you on the bum ie you get over this get into a relationship and your partner cheats on you these things have a habit of doing that

TrainSong · 19/02/2019 18:28

What puzzles me is: how could you not know this in advance? How could you lack the insight and empathy to realise you were on dangerous ground?

I actually sympathise with you a tiny bit. If you were the one who was infertile, that's a huge knock to the ego and although it is wrong, it is also understandable how you might have subconsciously bolstered yourself up by proving to yourself that you were still desirable.

But all this pain that could have been avoided...

I think, in your shoes, I'd just make sure that next time you want a long term relationship with anyone, you consider what's at stake.

flapjackfairy · 19/02/2019 18:30

Well I think you put it very clearly actually and were making a genuine attempt to be honest and take responsibility for your mistakes but on here you will only be torn to shreds. At the end of the day we all make mistakes and cock up. So become a better person as a result of this mess and obviously don't repeat it ! Good luck

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2019 18:30

Oh stop whinging.

YOUR WIFE lost the life she thought she had, the baby she dreamt of, the future she was planning and investing in.

You’re sorry you got caught. Oh well.

sagradafamiliar · 19/02/2019 18:32

Yeah, don't be disgusting people, as you'll be the one upset. Typical narc.

Insomnibrat · 19/02/2019 18:32

Well, thank you for coming on here and mansplaining to us how human relationships work.

If only you'd had that foresight and wisdom a few years ago you pompous, self important prick,

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 19/02/2019 18:32

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:36

Of course he's sorry. He had his cake, ate it, now he's landed with an empty plate i.e. a crumby bedsit.
Don't come on here preaching. You made the mistake. You're the one who has to learn from it.

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