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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
DaffydownClock · 19/02/2019 18:38

Of course you're sorry, sorry that you got caught not anything else. You didn't give a toss for your poor wife for two years did you?
Whinging on here won't get you anywhere.
You deserve every second of misery, it's nothing compared to what she's going through.

27dresses · 19/02/2019 18:41

You never loved your partner. You're selfish

poppingoff · 19/02/2019 18:45

Wow, can we maybe go just a little easier? The OP maybe hasn't come across as he intended, and yes, 2 years is a long time to make the same mistake, but the guy is telling us he's been suicidal some days! No ones going to pay him on the back for his post, but sticking to boot in isn't helping him or his ex.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 18:45

She’s moving on with her life as if nothings happened. And that’s my fault.
I’m left regretting it all. And that’s my fault.
Everything I’m going through is my fault.
And I’m not sorry I got caught. I’m sorry at what my actions have caused for my ex.
Being caught has allowed me to feel all this and I know now I’ll never do this again.
My advice is this; if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Secrets and lies ruin relationships

OP posts:
LondonBelongsToMe · 19/02/2019 18:47

boo hoo. You got caught and now you get to lie in the bed that you spent two years of time, energy, secrecy, lies creating. I wish your wife the best and hope she finds someone better

supersop60 · 19/02/2019 18:50

OP. I get you. I've been on all sides of the affair triangle, and whether you are the cheater or the one being cheated, it's all shit.
I cheated on my ex (25 years ago) and I still regret the hurt I caused him.
Don't have affairs, people, whether you are the spouse/partner or the OW/OM. It causes so much pain to everyone.

Sexnotgender · 19/02/2019 18:51

I wouldn’t have an affair. I’ve never cheated and I never would.

I’m sorry but 2 fucking years? That’s not a drunken mistake, that’s cold hearted and you’re just feeling sorry for yourself as you’re left with nothing. I have zero sympathy.
Sounds like you were never planning to tell your wife? Good on her for moving on and leaving you.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/02/2019 18:59

She’s moving on with her life as if nothings happened.

If you truly believe that you're more ridiculous than you sound. Of course she's moving on; you gave her no choice. You broke her heart, took a shit all over your marriage and then cried when (after two years of knobbing someone else) she moved on? Ridiculous.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 19/02/2019 19:17

Sorry but I have no sympathy. You were at it for two years as well as trying for a baby. The reason you couldn't conceive, was because you were shagging this other woman and that would have certainly caused problems sexually at home. It doesn't take a genius to work that one out.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 19:18

Need to clarify. We had stopped trying to conceive when this started

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 19/02/2019 19:22

Everyone makes mistakes. You will meet someone else. Learn and move on.

TooManyPuppies · 19/02/2019 19:25

You only regret it because you were caught!! You were at it for 2 years!!

Agree, sorry but the situation you find yourself in now is absolutely no less than you deserve. I have no sympathy for cheating scum bags.

CoiledLocks · 19/02/2019 19:26

My advice is this; if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Secrets and lies ruin relationships

Well duh 🙄

LilaGrace · 19/02/2019 19:34

OP- as you can see, you're not going to get much sympathy on here. However, I've been where you are and I know how addictive an affair is. When you're in the middle of it, what could someone say to make you stop? Do you think if you'd read your post halfway through your affair you'd have thought twice and ended it? I doubt it, because the addiction is too strong. I'm interested in what your relationship with your wife was like for the time you were seeing the other woman.

PlumPorter · 19/02/2019 19:35

My advice is this; if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Secrets and lies ruin relationships

You know the rest of us? The rest of us who have had the opportunities for affairs and shut them down? The rest of us who have been flattered by the attentions of someone else but turned away? The rest of us who have worked on our relationships and communicated with our partners rather than looking elsewhere and blaming our partners for it? The rest of us who have found someone else attractive but made damned sure they never found out?

We already know this.

We're not all an affair waiting to happen and you have not come to us with your words of wisdom just in the nick of time.

If you'd come here 2 years ago and said you had met someone else... this exact outcome would have been predicted.

TimeForTea72 · 19/02/2019 19:35

It sounds to me like you don’t really love her, not 100%, as you wouldn’t have done it in the first place.

JustHereForThePooStories · 19/02/2019 19:36

if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it

Wow. What an enlightened catch you are.

Having unprotected sex with your wife while shagging someone else is vile.

user1479305498 · 19/02/2019 19:40

Whilst you can’t rewrite history or have a time machine, I hope you told your ex wife this. Too many guys just want it swept under the carpet or if it ends in tears show little remorse and get nasty, be kind to her, it’s very hard forgiving but all you can offer now is to respect what she wants

SapphireFire · 19/02/2019 19:40

I'm sure this post was well intentioned, but honestly? Nobody cares about the cheater in this situation. Stop being a martyr and get on with the life that you have chosen.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 19:41

Lilagrace I lost focus on my relationship. I made ow priority at times and couldn’t see it at the time. I constantly felt guilty but the addiction was stronger

OP posts:
PlumPorter · 19/02/2019 19:43

I'm not sure this poster isn't being somewhat disingenuous actually.

I mean, did they honestly think they'd get a sympathetic hearing

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 19:46

I think he's posted this in hope his wife will see.

LilaGrace · 19/02/2019 19:47

I'm sure this post was well intentioned, but honestly? Nobody cares about the cheater in this situation.

I disagree with this. Many people have had affairs, not all bad people. Life isn't black and white, and many won't admit it as cheating is still so vilified. OP- it's hard that the decision has been taken out of your hands now your wife has found out. But would you really have chosen to stay with your wife over the OW if you'd had the choice between the two?

Biancadelrioisback · 19/02/2019 19:52

My advice is this; if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Secrets and lies ruin relationships

You really don't need to preach this advice on an adult female (predominantly) forum. Children know this. I get you're mornful and trying to impart your knowledge but you may as well walk into any room full of adults and declare that if you don't wipe your arse after you shit, you have a dirty arse.

lifebegins50 · 19/02/2019 19:55

How old are you?

The issue is that you dealt with your negative emotions destructively and this is what you have to fix before getting into another relationship.

The risk is you will do this again with someone else until you learn to handle your emotions.

Be alone until you can deal with emotions.
How old are you?