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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 19/02/2019 23:35

diddums

oh and dont blame the other husband for telling your wife she had a right to know-thak god he did or youd still be lying to her

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 23:42

It’s nit blame about the ow husband. It’s s fact that he told her. Don’t twist my words

OP posts:
redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 19/02/2019 23:43

Cool story bro.

GabsAlot · 19/02/2019 23:44

no sorry noones twisting anything you said he sent her messages which didnt need to be read

LilQueenie · 19/02/2019 23:55

get over yourself. By trying to 'help others not make the same mistake' you are merely coming across as pathetic. No one believes you actually care. You feel sorry for yourself at being caught. No sympathy.

BartonHollow · 19/02/2019 23:56

I didn't twist your words, they are your actual words.

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 20/02/2019 00:01

So why are you actually posting this? (If it's even true.)

A bit proud of yourself really aren't you?

Look at me..... I have had an affair, look how hot and sexy and irresistible I am. Hubba hubba.

vom

TheSassyAssassin · 20/02/2019 00:01

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare

Oh no worries on that score, unless we're including giving the OP his arse on a plate!

PenniesforNothing · 20/02/2019 00:04

Nah. You were glad ow husband found out so you could work on your relationship with your wife. Shouldn't you have been doing that in the first place, instead of knobbing his wife in the first place?

I'm guessing you know your wife has been on here, so you're using this thread to try win her back. Too late. She's moving on with her life.

Sorka · 20/02/2019 00:18

Top notch advice there OP.

So were you trying for a baby or not? When did you stop trying? Does your now ex-partner have time to have children with someone else or have you stolen her last chance to be a mother while you shagged a different woman who you neither like or respect?

What about STDs? You were trying with your partner, at least for part of the time you were cheated, so were having unprotected sex. Did you at least use condoms with your mistress, or are you full of nasty surprises?

LonelyMouse · 20/02/2019 00:21

Wow. So if the OW husband hadn't of said anything your wife would still be in a relationship with you, a man that has so little respect for her that he was ok spending 2 years betraying the woman that loved him, was fine putting her health at risk, letting her live a lie and planning a future with him the whole time believing that he actually cared about her. You and the OW selfish behaviour wrecked two relationships and yet you only care about how you're feeling. Just have a look through all the posts on here from the people that have had their lives and families broken apart by affairs and the huge amount of pain and suffering it has caused them. Nasty, selfish people like you and the OW deserve each other.

As someone who has been cheated on by the person I trusted the most, my best friend, who knew everything about me including things from my childhood that I hadn't ever been able to share with anyone else I can't describe how much his affair hurt me. Two years later and I don't think I can ever have another relationship due to how his affair destroyed my trust in people and how it has made me feel about myself.

Do people that behave like this have any idea how fucking selfish they are? God help the next woman that ends up with you.

EddyF · 20/02/2019 02:14

Unfortunately wrong forum, OP. You've posted on a forum predominately women who many have experienced what your ex wife has. For some of these women, it is fresh on their minds. Some might even be telling you everything they wanted to tell their cheating husbands. I feel bad for you but you won't get the support here. You need to look after your mental health. No amount of self hating is going to change a thing that has happened. All it's going to do is make you poorly.

Apologise to your wife even if the apology is rejected. Make peace with her decision. Seek counselling and be good to yourself. Your life hasn't ended. You made choices thst you now regret but turn that regret into something bigger. Work on yourself to be the very best version you would like for your self.

I am sorry for you and your ex. She's completely innocent but I'm not about to kick you further down. You never know the future but if you get a grip Now, the future will look less scary.

shiveringtimber · 20/02/2019 03:18

Wow, you have to be a total masochist to post this mea culpa here. Zero tolerance for infidelity on MN. Surely you knew that, OP? No warnings necessary; it's general knowledge that infidelity is a selfish and dangerous pastime.

Lizzie48 · 20/02/2019 03:21

I do wonder why you decided to post here. You must have known what the reaction would be. The way you've told the story does make it sound as if it was the fault of the OW and her partner rather than you and you alone.

However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it.

How is that not blaming your OW's partner?

Butteredghost · 20/02/2019 03:25

It's funny how OP thinks it's a great excuse to say he didn't love his affair partner or want a relationship with her. That makes it far worse imo. If you really fall in love with someone else while you're in a relationship, I admit that makes things tricky, although it's no excuse. But you ruined your wife's life for someone you were just using for sex! That's grim.

OPs wife if you are reading this, run away and don't look back.

frenchonion · 20/02/2019 04:59

2 years! You try to make it sound like it was big error...ffs 2 YEARS you shagged and lied and betrayed: all deliberate. Your posts smack of self pity, dressed up as some kind of advice?! Thank you for your wisdom but I'm fairly certain that people already know that affairs cause devastation.

I do hope your wife divorces you hard, moves on and enjoys some thrills of her own with a nice decent gorgeous bloke with a foot long schlong who treats her well. You can only learn from this. Spend some time reflecting on your actions and re calibrating your severely bloody faulty moral compass. Two years ffs.

AstralTraveller · 20/02/2019 05:23

OP I think you have to accept that you are as think as shit and a deeply unpleasant person as well as a mansplaining knob head. Perhaps use that as a startingpoint to becoming a better person? After all no-one can polish a turd but it can be rolled in glitter.

AstralTraveller · 20/02/2019 05:24

Thick as shit Middle of the night. Been cheated on.

SD1978 · 20/02/2019 05:34

Even writing this, you seem to put a victim slant on it, no real responsibility. Maybe actually
100% own it and not give excuses as to why, would be a start. She's done the right thing and moved on. Maybe if you take ownership and stop making shitty self pitying excuses, you could move on too.

NotTheFordType · 20/02/2019 05:42

OP, why did you choose to post this on Mumsnet - on a board where many women who have been cheated on support each other?

Tennesseewhiskey · 20/02/2019 06:07

I know so many people say on mn....well an affair could happen to anyone. I don't believe it can.

I couldn't come home to my partner, the man I love and lie to him every minute of everyday for 2 years. Longer in fact, as you didn't meet this woman and shag her straight away. There were many lies and many times of hiding things before this.

I can't understand it. When the texts start, the flirting starts that you don't think 'I am doing something I need to hide from the person I love. That's not right' or 'if the person I love saw/read this they would be devastated and carry on.

It's pure, pure selfishness. It's not about an ego boost or loneliness. It's about your feelings and wants being put in front of your partners potential devastation. People don't just fall into such selfish behaviour.

MumsyJ · 20/02/2019 06:14

"How are the mighty fallen"... My dear mother would quote whenever shit hits the fan.

No words of pity for a cheat from me OP!

AgentJohnson · 20/02/2019 06:52

Oh yes the H was to blame for sharing the truth with your wife. He did her a massive favour because you would have continued to lie and that would have driven her crazy.

Funny how you say she’s moved on, like the pain you caused her had no lasting effect. The thing about cheating, is that it is the gift that keeps on giving and will likely impact her future relationships.

The lack of true compassion in your post is overwhelming. You cheated for selfish reasons, you lied about your cheating for selfish reasons and your remorse is all about the effect the revelation of your act of betrayal has on you.

You contributed to the OW H’s pain and yet he gets the blame for telling your wife the truth. You dismiss your wife leaving as ‘moving on’ when really you’re more upset that she couldn’t forgive you contemptuous lies.

If your posts have anything to go by you have way more growing up to do than you think.

Your character is showing and it ain’t impressive.

LaughingCow99 · 20/02/2019 06:54

I think we all know affairs hurt people. No need to state the obvious.

Two years? No sympathy here. You are feeling low because you were caught and lost your home. You didn't love your wife. You'd never gave deceived her like that if you did. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and cut the bs.

lifegoes · 20/02/2019 07:13

Of course the OW husband told your wife. She had a right to know that you had an affair. He showed her text messages that proved it.