Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

[stopwhatyouaredoing]

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

If he hadnt have been caught he would still be balls deep in OW, because he's been caught hes conveniently sprouted a conscience!

Do you think for a second he would be behaving like this if his wife was still there doing the pick me dance??

The reason hrs so mortified is because his craven ego has taken a battering because she's upped sticks and fucked off..
Self pity and dented pride is the extent of the range here.

The lesson hasn't been learnt has it really?? As soon as someone else flatters him he will be there like a rat up a drainpipe, true egomaniac.

My god @Sandy your arrogance is astounding!

Who do you think you are, announcing with such authority how people would react to a cheater in real life?

Don’t presume to know any of us well enough to know how we would act in real life. It’s patronising in the extreme.

@SoupDragon I'm not defending cheaters, they clearly are in the wrong. But would you really disown your DS/DD if you found out that they had cheated on their partner? It would be wrong to enable their cheating behaviour by covering for them, but I think disowning them wouldn't be right.

One of my brothers is a cheat. I love him, but I find him extremely self-serving, pathetic and lacking basic empathy. He'll always be kept at arms length because he clearly can't be trusted and if he could do what he did to his wife, he'll obviously have no problem fucking me over if it happens to benefit him.

The op carried out this action for 2 years. That isn't a mistake. If cheating was a crime, the op would be due the maximum sentence. His actions were planned, carried out over a lengthy period, and he didn't admit to them. He isn't a vulnerable age, he wasn't suffering from any mental illness when he did it, he's mentioned not one single mitigating circumstance. He's as blameworthy as he could possibly be.

Unless you’ve walked anyone’s path, you shouldn’t judge their journey. It’s seems most on here are the type who’d say “just snap out of it” to a friend who is suffering with MH. Passing comment on things they’ve no experience of and think life is black or white. If only it was that easy eh!
I know I’ve done a terrible thing, and that’s what I’m actually struggling with. I broke my partner, I broke her life, her trust, I broke everything and I’m sorry if it offends people, but you can look back and think what the hell was I thinking, and learn from it. I’m not after sympathy

Thanks for the advice but I don't need it because I wouldn't have an affair. I'm not a dick.

I was married to a violent cheater who also feels sorry for himself so don't tell me which path I've walked sunshine, I've been on a very long journey through the courts and a&e because of him so nope don't feel sorry for anyone who can't control their cock

Did the other women's partner take her back is that why your so upset?.

Would this still be going on if her dh hadn't found out ?

we are humans and humans can make mistakes.
dont beat yourself up anymore. i am sure there are many men who wouldnt feel any pain after cheating, so it shows you are not a bad person.
leave it to time to heal. if you cant cope you can go to your gp and get some support.

Shagging someone behind your partner's back for 2 years is a mistake?

Unless you’ve walked anyone’s path, you shouldn’t judge their journey. It’s seems most on here are the type who’d say “just snap out of it” to a friend who is suffering with MH. Passing comment on things they’ve no experience of and think life is black or white. If only it was that easy eh!

And yet you are judging others paths.

I find it hard to believe you carry guilt so much now, it's making you I'll. Yet lied and went home to your partner for 2 years and it's only got this bad because you have been left with fuck all.

OP, I am not being a dick when I say this. But it's not guilt. Its regret and that your ego has had a kicking. You thought you could have it all. The faithful partner and your bit on the side. You felt confident that your partner would stay. That's why you risked it. She showed you she had more respect for herself than you had for her and walked away.

OP - it’s only an affair. No kids involved and no one has died. Affairs happen all the time. It is human nature.

Forgive yourself, forget her and do better with the next person you are with.

Stop what are you on about? I would never tell a depressed friend to 'snap out of it'.

It's human nature

As humans we have the capacity to behave.

No excuse- kids or no kids.

And you haven't broken your partner's life. You don't have that much power to 'break' someone's entire life. She will move on, as she already has as you say, and be all the more happier for it.

Sounds like your partner's not broken now, she's moving on. So glad for her. Hope her next ones a keeper and she gets the children she so deserves.

Wtf are you actually talking about now??

I'm glad you hurt. I hope it never leaves you.

You cheated on your partner. You got caught. You are not the only cheating partner in the world!

You broke your relationship not your partner.

You now have lost that partner. You regret being found out and losing your partner.

It's almost as if you want your ex not to be moving on. You haven't ruined her life or broken her. She's stronger than that.

You fucked up. Work out why (therapy etc.). Try to learn from your mistakes. Try again.

Will you stop playing the victim and start owning your horrid behaviour!

Mental health problems are incomparable to a person wallowing in (self inflicted) self-pity.

Tennessee is absolutely right; you thought she wouldn't leave after all those years of you grinding down her self esteem and no doubt calling her "crazy"

It's called a sucker punch!!

And I repeat again that you've conveniently sprouted a "conscience" after being caught

???

*only after bring caught

Of course he doesn't want her moving on.... he wants her doing the pick me dance so how ego can bask in the glory...🤢

Look I get why Op is getting a hard time, but people can be remorseful and regretful, even if they are feeling sorry for themselves at the same time. And no I haven't had an affair and nor has my dh of 25 years and no we wouldn't forgive each other (I don't think).

I hope you find happiness OP and am glad to hear your ex has moved on.