Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

[stopwhatyouaredoing]

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

But then why the post?!

I think the long and short of it is that OP is hurting massively and is wondering why his exW isn't. He can't understand why she's not in a heap in the floor looking like she's aged 10 years and wanting him back as she can't live without him.

He's probably wondering if she didn't live him that much in the first place if she didn't fight for their marriage. Perhaps he thought if she was as devastated as him she'd take him back.

Unfortunately OP underestimated her. I also think he doesn't really understand how women's minds work or he wouldn't have had the affair or be confused by her reaction.

If you love your ex then you should let her go and move on yourself.

People will slate me for this..but OP honestly could your wife had done anything different to prevent or stop the affair?

By no means would I ever suggest it's the woman's fault etc of course NOT but things like working long hrs, lack of intimacy and sex life IMO can contribute to someone straying. Would you agree OP?

Yes the wife could have prevented it by marrying someone who wasnt a flakey attention whore...

Dear oh dear.

I have a question for you if it's okay OP, and I'm not going to give you a pasting because I know life isn't, in fact, black and white.

Do you think there was anything you could have done earlier in your relationship to prevent the affair from happening, not so much in terms of the OW but in terms of your connection with/behaviour towards your wife? What would you have done differently if you could go back now and at what what point could you have intervened and it would still have been okay?

I'm glad your wife is moving on and I hope she'll go from strength to strength, and I hope you get the help you need. Remember the Samaritans is an option if you feel really low.
Posting on here is like walking into a pub of football supporters dressed in the wrong colours and expecting it to go well. It was always going to turn ugly, sadly.

Thanks for being honest . It’s better to regret something and face up to it . You will move on . You will meet other people and eventually you will find someone new .

You won’t make the same mistake again and that will make you a better person .

Also nowadays there are so many people who are so hard inside that they just don’t feel anything such as remorse or sadness .

The fact that you do means that you can live life and enjoy all the beautiful things it has to offer .

Yes your heart is broken at the moment . But just take every day as it comes , watch your favourite films , read books and try to live your life like every moment won’t come back to you.

Live your life to the full , forget your mistakes and move on .

My Ex felt devastated too, when I found out. I was even sympathetic to his pain he felt so awful. Yet months on, the problem still existed, as he hadn’t really changed at all.

I’d just like you to think OP. You might be still addicted to these highs and lows. You are at a big dramatic low. This isn’t the test. Being able to be less selfish, for the rest of your life, with another woman, that’s the test.

You didn’t actually tell your wife. I think you should seek counseling specifically to challenge why you were prepared to keep lying and starting a family. This is one big betrayal. It’s your wife’s whole life.

You say she saw messages that she shouldn’t have. Why shouldn’t she? Your actions - you do know your loved one has an emotional right to know how they were betrayed don’t you? How much. How deeply. This is important. Your wife deserves honesty. Why would you still fight the notion that she doesn’t? Please ask yourself this.

You have lost, but you chose this. Your wife didn’t. So get help, get moving on and address it.

stopwhatyouaredoing im not going to judge you.
I hope you are able to learn from this and are able to move on and make a new life.

You were addicted to the illicitness. The secrecy. Putting one over on her. She knows this. That you were getting a charge out of making a fool of her.

You saw her as less than. Treated her as less than. She knows this. That when she smiled at you, you were thinking of another woman. That to you, the other woman was more than.

You thought you had her in your hip pocket. That you could mistreat her and she’d always be there. You misjudged her. She was more than all along.

OP - it’s only an affair. No kids involved and no one has died. Affairs happen all the time. It is human nature.

It's only an affair.........because they do no harm? FFS!

I am in counselling and can hand in heart say I’d never do it again to anyone. It’s selfish, self indulgent and awful.
The thought of my ex hating me, never seeing or talking to her again is a pain that I never knew existed. I deserve it. So I cannot let this define me I need to make sure I learn the lessons from it which I have

Op, honestly you need to take some time to take care of yourself and heal. Can you go away for a while? Do some travelling? What's done is done. It's like recovering from a car crash. Ok, you may have caused it, but you are still injured and in shock. You need to start making positive changes to your life.

You need to work your feelings about exW with your counsellor.