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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 19/02/2019 21:31

"I never realised" .......
Then you really are a dick, aren't you. A shallow, non thinking, no emotional depth one, aswell.

2 years?

God give me strength. Hmm

FudgeBrownie2019 · 19/02/2019 22:12

You never wanted to be in a relationship with the OW? Yet you had a sexual relationship with her for 2 years.

You never wanted to cause pain? Yet you had an affair for 2 years.

You had no idea you'd hurt your DW? Yet you said your marriage vows to her and then had an affair for 2 years.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

These are not the actions of someone 'addicted' to an affair. These are simply the actions of a selfish shit who wants people to feel sorry for them. Balls to you and your pity party, I feel sorry for your wife that you're here declaring your Life Lessons I've Learned on Mumsnet and minimising your own part in this shower of spectacular unkindness towards her in a poor attempt to show her how sorry you are. If you were that sorry you'd not have put your genitals near another person, would you, dickend?

sagradafamiliar · 19/02/2019 22:16

Thanks for rocking up and telling us all why it's not a very good idea to have an affair though, OP. I will keep it in mind, wud never of fort ov it b4
Self indulgent and patronising, what a guy.

BrusselPout · 19/02/2019 22:24

Sorry but have absolutely no sympathy at all for anyone that embarks on an affair. Think about the impact BEFORE you do it and you might not be so quick to jump into bed with someone that isn't your partner for a quick ego boost.

If you do it you will eventually get caught, and then you deserve all the misery you get - let's face it you weren't overly concerned about ruining anyone else's life were you?

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 22:29

This thread is just a self pity party & manipulation vehicle - no way this guy came on mumsnet to advise (mostly) women not to have affairs; his wife's on here and he's trying to manipulate her.

toach · 19/02/2019 22:30

Perhaps she will be able to get pregnant now with someone else, perhaps you did her a favour, perhaps she will silently thank you one day.

Life works out for the best sometimes. Move on OP, life is long with many twists and turns, yours isn't over, it's just rubbish at the moment. Do your best, don't wallow, turn things around.

WasFatNowThin · 19/02/2019 22:33

I know where you're coming from OP, sorry you're feeling shit.

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 22:38

@Moralitym1n1 his wife or the OW guaranteed

Weirdlookingbricks · 19/02/2019 22:39

Please do not inflict yourself on other women. From your OP it's clear that you are wriggling and blame shifting. You think you're taking responsibility for your actions but you're nowhere near doing so.
You've got a lot of work to do on yourself before you're fit for another relationship.
I'd bet my mortgage that you won't it though and will instead spin a line to some other deluded woman.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 22:53

Listen, this is all my fault. I’m not shifting blame, I’m not saying it’s her fault. This is my shame

OP posts:
NewWednesdayNewName · 19/02/2019 22:54

OP, are you writing here to give advice or more to just talk about this?

Assuming you're for real.... you need to forgive yourself. Ask yourself what purpose the guilt is serving now. Is it making you a better person, or worse? It seems to me that it's served it's purpose now (because you've learnt this lesson), and the better way is now to let it go. You can be happy again.

We all fuck up. Even the "not me" brigade who appear to come on here to lambast the already-suffering. So learn to be kind to yourself and live the best you can live from now

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 22:59

You need to seek help and stop using this site to manipulate your wife into forgiving you.

OnlineAlienator · 19/02/2019 23:01

Lol, that bit about 'but the husband told my wife' shows that you only care because you got caught and your cushy little situation was bust wide open.

I hope your ex wife can find someone genuine this time and has a lovely baby soon.

Drogosnextwife · 19/02/2019 23:01

I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

I bet you would, no.1 don't get caught eh?

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/02/2019 23:03

If you're truly sorry give her what she asks for in the divorce without argument.

Also, the self indulgent pity party isn't helping anyone; learn your lesson and move on.

...This is what happens when you combine selfishness with an overinflated ego.

maras2 · 19/02/2019 23:04

2 sodding years ? Shock
Boo bloody Hoo.
Twat!

Drogosnextwife · 19/02/2019 23:04

My advice is this; if you think your partner wouldn’t like it, or you feel you need to hide it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Secrets and lies ruin relationships

God that's great advice, sure none of us would have known that.

Drogosnextwife · 19/02/2019 23:08

Also don't compare your sleazy affair to someone who has an actual addiction. Someone with addiction battles it their whole life, you don't, you were caught so that's it done.

Whoops75 · 19/02/2019 23:10

Afairs = heartbreak

Have done and alway will do, can’t believe this is news to you!

She will move on but she will never heal from the betrayal, you will have broken her spirit not just her heart.

sagradafamiliar · 19/02/2019 23:11

Good can come out of these situations though. This happened to my friend. My god, was she heartbroken. Her fiancé actually ended up marrying his other woman as the OW got pregnant. This was so painful to my friend as she'd been trying to conceive for years. Fast forward a couple of years and she has a lovely daughter and husband-to-be.
The ex is stuck in a marriage full of doubt and cheating, and the baby didn't turn out to be his. My friend doesn't even think it's 'karma' or whatever. Too happy in her own life to give the cheaters a second thought.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/02/2019 23:13

I absolutely agree @weirdlookingbricks

Sadly I don't think op has the level of introspect required for the task and the pattern will replay over and over.

Tutulafromage · 19/02/2019 23:14

You are only sorry cos you got caught...
I just hope you never have to experience the pain you have put your poor ex through.

ToastyFingers · 19/02/2019 23:28

Two years!?
Every day for two years you looked your wife in the eye and told her you loved her, shared a bed, ate dinner, held hands, had sex and even tried for a Fucking baby and it was all a lie because you were Fucking around with someone else.

Every kind gesture she made you, was because you'd deceived her. Tricked her into thinking you were worthy of her love and respect.

I have no sympathy.

Iamtheworst · 19/02/2019 23:29

In other news water is wet.

BartonHollow · 19/02/2019 23:31

Listen, this is all my fault. I’m not shifting blame, I’m not saying it’s her fault. This is my shame

Except in your OP you explicitly blame the husband of your former OW for telling your wife and had it not been for that you could all have lived happily ever after.

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