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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
EdWinchester · 19/02/2019 20:02

Well the good news is that you haven't ruined your ex wife's life and she has moved on and is hopefully happy.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 20:02

Lilgrace in a heartbeat I would of stayed. I never wanted a relationship with the OW

OP posts:
LilaGrace · 19/02/2019 20:03

Did your wife ever suspect anything was going on? You must have had strong feelings for the OW to become so addicted to the affair?

showerpower · 19/02/2019 20:04

But you did - for 2 years. You could have ended it at any point but you didn't. You had a choice at every point.

Grace212 · 19/02/2019 20:05

I just clicked on this to be more than 99.9% sure it was a bloke posting, which I figured from the title.

ta-dah! Grin

TooManyPuppies · 19/02/2019 20:06

Nobody cares about the cheater in this situation. Stop being a martyr and get on with the life that you have chosen.

Agree. I have never seen anyone come up with a good or even half reasonable excuse to cheat. Ever. It shows lack of morals and respect for themselves and others.

They deserve what they ultimately get.

halfwitpicker · 19/02/2019 20:07

Why do these men come on here and feel the need to educate us?

TooManyPuppies · 19/02/2019 20:07

I never wanted a relationship with the OW.

Then why did you start one??? Seriously, is this even real. You can't be this daft surely.

halfwitpicker · 19/02/2019 20:07

How old are you?

^

Here's hoping he says 12.

shinyNewPound · 19/02/2019 20:15

She’s moving on with her life as if nothings happened

She isn't. She was hoping for a life with you. You have no idea what is in her head and heart, nor the upset. She may potentially have lost faith in men and relationships. I hope for her sake she has moved on unscathed but I doubt in my heart of hearts that she has. The damage you have reaped may echo through the years for her. You don't seem to be able to put yourself in others shoes. Maybe work on that?

Tucobenedicto · 19/02/2019 20:32

OP just let it go...there's too many people on here who just love guys like you...you are now in the middle of a feeding frenzy..jump onto pof and start over again...good luck.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 20:49

I would of stayed.

People who write "would of" i.e don't know how to write their own effing language annoy me nearly as much as people moaning about being caught fucking someone else while in a monogamous relationship.

Anyway, Mumsnet - with its predominantly female members, and its almost exclusively hard line on infidelity is a very odd place to post this heartfelt warning.

If you (a man apparently) wanted to warn people about the perils of an affair (your not so loved one could find out and dump you - NO, SURELY NOT!) wouldn't you do it on a male or mixed gender forum? Why do it to an almost entirely female audience (likely to be unsympathetic) when you are a man who's cheated on a woman?

As other posters have said,bid this actually a manipulative plot to your poor wife?

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 20:50

*ploy

Saylav · 19/02/2019 20:51

Please don't jump onto POF! I'm on there and I certainly don't want your sad ass there!

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 20:52

Poor fkn woman, cheated on and she can't even come on here for support without you snooping, invading and extending your campaign to get away with fucking someone else for 2 years while married to her to her refuge & advice board.

Moralitym1n1 · 19/02/2019 20:55

As for her getting on with her life - she's probably fkg scarred for life, but is doing her best to cope and move on; you apparently can't even see that (or let her do it with any respect or decency if this is a ploy to get her sympathy).

lifegoes · 19/02/2019 20:56

100% he's posted this to try and prove to his wife he's sorry.

He's not sorry, he has no remorse.

You don't stick your di@k in another woman and the go home and look your wife in eye. Kiss her, tell her you love her, have sex with her and continue that for 2 YEARS.

This is a mind game to try and win her back

purpleelk · 19/02/2019 21:00

Fuck me the bullshit story you will spin to your next unsuspecting tinder/match.com date. You’ll probably date a woman with kids and fuck with her head about how your infertile wife withdrew away from you until you had no choice but start an emotional affair.

And stupid women will fall for the martyr shite for a while until they suss you out for the asswipe you are.

BartonHollow · 19/02/2019 21:01

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

This is the flaw in your logic

You think that because YOU know you made a mistake and YOU regretted it and still loved her, it's HER husbands fault because if he hadn't told your ex, you could've had a baby and lived happily ever after if he hadn't shared messages he didn't need to share

Except he DID need to share

Because SHE deserved the truth

And YOU don't get to have your cake and eat it.

You need to change your thinking about the reality of this in order to forgive yourself, accept it's over and move on

You say you've posted as a deterrent to others but it clearly isn't it's so someone will play a tiny violin for you and you've REALLY come to the wrong forum for that.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 19/02/2019 21:05

Surely anyone stupid enough to do that deserves to have their life in tatters?

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/02/2019 21:06

I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

No, you would have made so many different choices... It's never too late to improve your grammar OP.Flowers

Eigercounter · 19/02/2019 21:08

I'm not going to tell you anything you don't already know, but now that you realise what an awful mistake you've made, I doubt you're going to do it again. Life is all about making mistakes - and some of us have made big mistakes - and the point is to learn from them. Which you have. So I do think you can start to forgive yourself and try and find a way to be happy. It's no good living like this for the rest of your life, nobody wants that, because that would be cruel and unkind when you are so very sorry.

EstrellaDamn · 19/02/2019 21:12

Oh do one you self pitying arse.

You were worried about not getting your girlfriend pregnant, so worried in fact that you could only bury your feelings by shagging someone else for two whole years?

You are what is wrong with men. Spoiled manchild who takes what he can get then looks for sympathy afterwards.

RomanticFatigue · 19/02/2019 21:12

Thanks for the advice OP. Not that any of us needed it.

EstrellaDamn · 19/02/2019 21:14

Oh and you needn't worry about the pain you've caused your ex.

She's probably absolutely thrilled to be shot of your whining selfish arse. Her life will undoubtedly be better without you in it.