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Original poster

Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me

339 replies

stopwhatyouaredoing · 19/02/2019 17:56

If you are having an affair you need to read this.
I have had a sexual affair with a colleague for 2 years. It wasn't love, we didn't want to leave our partners. She wasn't that happy at home and was bored sexually. For me, it was an ego boost and made me feel wanted as myself and my partner were trying to conceive and I couldn't tell her I thought she as losing feelings for me because I couldn't get her pregnant and that I was failing her. Absolutely stupid I know, but that is the truth of the matter. There was a sexual chemistry, which I should made sure we kept in check but I didn't.
It was snatched moments at lunchtimes, after work sometimes, or on work nights out, but towards the end it got riskier at her home too. The thing is I felt trapped in this affair. It was like a gambling addiction. I craved the highs but hated the lows. I let my partner down in the biggest way ever, I didn't make her priority anymore.

At the end of summer last year, her husband found out and I was relieved. It was over, and could try and work on my relationship. However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

The enormity of what I had done, and lost hit me like a tonne of bricks. The woman who had given me her all and heart was devastated, and also relieved as she had suspected for so long.
Me...I was just devastated at what I had done. I was losing her, the woman I love, losing my home, losing the life I loved. The biggest thing though was the pain. I was in pain at what I had caused for her. I had never realised that you could feel the pain you caused to someone else until now.

I am now living alone, hating myself, hating my life and its all what I caused by being stupid. I am low, and have even thought of suicide on some days as it's difficult to cope with my actions and the pain it has caused.

If you are having an affair, or close to one. Please PLEASE, think again, think about what pain you will cause to others, think about how you would feel if done to you, and I mean really think about it. I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

OP posts:
HotpotLawyer · 20/02/2019 07:14

“She’s moving on with her life as if nothings happened”

I really doubt that.

Moving house, yes.
Probably fuelled by anger and hurt and distress and re-arranging her life as fast as she can because tne years if her marriage are just too painful to think about.

That’s how my Mum was anyway.

She’s in her 80s now and the emotional scars from that time are still evident.

You are right to do everything you can to stop anyone else dong what you did.

Look, in tne end, your marriage may or may not have survived the impact of infertility. Couples deal differently with stress and loss and the fault lines get picked at, day by day. Marriages fail even when people are behaving well.

But you know you didn’t behave well so are feeling the hot pain of guilt and regret.

Look more at what happened, and look deep into the feeling of addiction.

MN will not be a comfortable place to do this as it has a high ratio of women who have been cheated in and a low ratio of women who have had affairs.

Do seek help for your MH .

ciderhouserules · 20/02/2019 07:39

Wow, women are really dispensable to you aren't they?

Shag one, while professing to 'love' another.

Then whine because you 'couldn't see a way out', complain about the OW DH telling your poor wife (where's the male solidarity, hey?Hmm) and that your OW is moving on without a backwards look. (The very best revenge on a cheating scumbag, I think!)

And you come on a predominantly-female forum to tell US not to have affairs? Or How To Prevent our Husbands from shagging other women by giving DH all our attention?

ciderhouserules · 20/02/2019 07:43

The poster is called stopwhatyouaredoing, ladies. So make sure you listen to the allmighty Penis.

And the thread is called Affairs - You need to read this and not ruin your life like me - we NEED to read this. HE'S said so.

Fuck off with that, OP. I don't need to read your sordid affair and how you fucked up your own life. I have morals, and I know that screwing someone else whilst in a relationship, is NOT ON!

I don't need some 'enlightened male' who can't write in his own language telling me.

PlumPorter · 20/02/2019 07:46

It’s s fact that he told her.

Just out of interest, why do you think the OW's husband shouldn't have told your wife that you were having an affair with his wife..?

Lemonpop1 · 20/02/2019 07:59

How long were you married for?

Lemonpop1 · 20/02/2019 08:00

You also titled this “affairS” so is this not your first

ShatnersWig · 20/02/2019 08:11

OP why do you feel the need to join MN specifically to tell us not to have affairs (seeing as you've never posted before)? And to choose a
name like stopwhatyouaredoing as if what you have to tell ujs all is of world-shattering importance? Genuinely, a man thinks creating an account to warn what is a forum of probably 85%-90% women not to have affairs is a wise and normal thing to do?

Oh, and I ask this and one of the minority of men who are on here. You behaved like a fucking arsehole and deserve everything you get (unlike your wife who didn't deserve this).

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 09:09

Listen, this is all my fault. I’m not shifting blame, I’m not saying it’s her fault. This is my shame

What is this dude's angle?

Posting on an almost exclusively female firum, filled with posts from betrayed wives, apparently advising women not to have affairs .... No.

At first I thought he's trying to manipulate his wife, who's on here.

Now I'm wondering if his wife isn't "making" him do it as done kind of awareness/penance exercise - a condition of him trying to get her back or something.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 09:10

*some kind.

Either way it's just irritating.

Moralitym1n1 · 20/02/2019 09:13

Or How To Prevent our Husbands from shagging other women by giving DH all our attention?

Or by by never trying to conceive; cause feeling under pressure or like s failure if it isn't happening causes men to go stick their dick in someone else and lie about it (until someone else tells his wife) for 2 years.

Bunnieboo222 · 20/02/2019 09:40

Well you obviously didn't love her or you wouldn’t of done it.

chillpizza · 20/02/2019 10:02

Well hopefully the the ops cheating dick falls off and the ex wife goes on to have a happy new marriage with many babies.

You made your self pitying dirty bed now lie in it alone.

Original poster
stopwhatyouaredoing · 21/02/2019 09:09

I’m not sure why i posted tbh. I suppose I want someone to read it who may be in a similar situation and see it as a wake up call. You probably have someone who’s giving you their all, their heart and you’re taking it for granted. Stop and just think how you’d feel

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 21/02/2019 10:39

So why don't you find a 'male' forum and post it there?

Why are you making it about women?

Why do you find it outrageous that your ex-wife is moving on from a cheating scumbag?
Why do you find it outrageous that the OW's DH told your wife? Do you think that he should have STFU and left you to 'work' on your marriage (that you broke) and your wife be none the wiser that she was married to a cheating scumbag?

Quite honestly, coming onto a mainly-female forum to complain that you are hard done by because you had a two-year affair behind your wife's back, that the OW dh told her and ruined your chances of brushing it all under the carpet so you could do it again and that she'd quite rightly left you because of your cheating - is never going to end well for you. Plenty of women on here have had cheating husbands. It is NOT their fault if their husband is a cheating scumbag; It's nothing they have done (or not done); it is not their fault if they chuck the cheater out and get on with having a better life without him.

Ah - Do you think that maybe the OW should have read something like this drivel? And if only she'd stopped to think about how your life would be shafted if she slept with you (for two years)? After all, you couldn't see a 'way out of it' until it was discovered.

This is all her fault, isn't it? Her and her bastard DH who shopped you to your wife? Hmm

Is any of it your fault? Angry

CatinMyLap · 21/02/2019 10:43

I’m sure this is part of the Script ...

Ellisandra · 21/02/2019 10:55

Patronising, much? Hmm
Weirdly, I already knew that having an affair would devastate my husband without your “advice” Hmm

We’re not here to make you feel better about yourself with your grand self flagellation.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 10:59

I’m not sure why i posted tbh. I suppose I want someone to read it who may be in a similar situation and see it as a wake up call.

Have you posted this on a wide range of relationship forums, frequented by both sexes, across the board then?

Why did you choose Mumsnet (frequented by mostly women) when you are a man who's cheated on his wife - as one if them (or the only one, if you haven't posted this on other forums)?

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 11:02

@ciderhouserules

For some reason I can't find a clapping icon, but I'm clapping furiously.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 21/02/2019 11:13

I can tell you I would of made so many different choices knowing how I feel now.

You can chose to use proper grammar. Would have.

FFS.

I'm so glad the husband told your partner. Whew! I hope she can find someone who doesn't cheat on her and who doesn't fire blanks.

You seemed to have no problem 'moving on' whilst still in the relationship with her, only with her doing so after you got caught.

I don't need a wakeup call, I have a brain.

BartonHollow · 21/02/2019 11:15

Stop and just think how you'd feel

I don't need to think how I'd feel if someone cheated on me

And if I cheated on someone who had given their heart and soul to me and they left I'd feel like a dickhead and deservedly so.

I don't know why you started the thread either, it appears to be so you mansplain infidelity and give a bunch of unsolicited patronising advice to women who neither wanted nor required it

Great post @ciderhouserules

ciderhouserules · 21/02/2019 12:53

Well, I dunno. If only someone had told you that getting married and having a wife meant that you couldn't screw anyone else, eh?

Those vows you said - the ones like 'keeping yourself unto her' and 'forsaking all others' - remember those?

If only someone had told you that if you, you poor sap, get lead by the crotch into another woman's bed, you will be hurting the woman you profess to love!

If only someone had told you that if you don't like being married for some reason (not enough sex, not enough babies, not enough attention, someone else's wife is available and willing) then you talk to your wife, try to do something about it with her, or get divorced.

It cannot have been a surprise to even you, a lying cheating scumbag thicko, that screwing someone else whilst still married makes you ruin your own life. But hey, it's all the wife's fault, for not getting pregnant, or not enough sex. It's the OW fault for leading you on, or not allowing you to think of a way out. It's the OW dh fault for telling everyone else what a cheat you are.

How about taking responsibility? And maybe try using a few braincells, next time? A little forward thinking?

And yes, try not mansplaining to us about how bad you should feel. I'm glad you feel bad. Some of us have been on the other end of it, and we feel worse, actually, when it happens to us without any of it being our fault!

Dickhead indeed.

SparklySneakers · 21/02/2019 14:52

May your dick shrivel up and fall off in the night.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 21/02/2019 15:00

*Well, I dunno. If only someone had told you that getting married and having a wife meant that you couldn't screw anyone else, eh?

Those vows you said - the ones like 'keeping yourself unto her' and 'forsaking all others' - remember those?*

A bit of an aside and certainly not defending the OP, but where did he mention he was actually married to his partner, he just refers to her as 'partner'.

ChristmasFluff · 21/02/2019 15:16

Well, he's lost his partner and the OW, so narcissistic supply is probably pretty hard to find right now - what better place to trawl for more than a forum for women? Oooooh, the attention!!

youknowmedontyou · 21/02/2019 15:39

However he told my partner all about it sharing messages that really didn't need to be read and that was it. The house on the market and plans to move on.

Why didn't they need to be read? They couldn't have been written had you not be such a cunt.

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