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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner & my son hate each other

380 replies

Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 13:51

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 19/02/2019 13:56

Sorry but I think you have.

Tell him you’ve arranged a solicitors meeting to sort the paperwork out - don’t ask tel him.

See what he says

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 13:58

Why you are putting this horrible man before your child I will never know; easy fixed, get out of his home, carry on seeing him if you want but it sounds like he is so unbearable you are literally the only person that wants anything to do with him.

I'd never have put him before my son; I'd do it now before your son really does start to resent you, he wants nothing to do with you either.

You were mad giving him money for his home, see if you can get him to go to a lawyers at least to draw up something that says you have invested x amount into the home; then get your ducks in a row and get away.

Just think, a happy peaceful life with you and your son could be yours.

pog100 · 19/02/2019 14:02

You don't say much about how you, yourself, actually get on with your DP, nor how long you have been together. The falling out with all his family and your son really doesn't seem to paint his character in a good light? Is the environment toxic when your son isn't around, but when your opinion differs from your DP?
From waht you say, and the problem with your inheritance, it doesn't sound great and that he might have abusive traits himself? I can't say if you have been a fool about the relationship but you certainly wern't sensible to sink your inheritance into a house you have no ownership rights over.
I sense that maybe you aren't great at being assertive but regarding the house issue at least, you have to be. In addition, it's your home, you should be free to entertain your son there, and any future grandchildren as much as you want. If you feel you can't then there is something very wrong in this relationship and you need to start resolving it.
I am sorry OP but this doesn't look great, unless you really feel that the only big problem is the DP/son relationship, which could be resolved with goodwill from both sides.

Tara336 · 19/02/2019 14:03

You have to step back and think what would you advise a friend in this situation? Here’s a man who’s alienated his whole family, alienated your son and taken money from you effectively. Not a great catch really is he

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 14:04

To add to the mix, he had shed loads of debt - he re mortgaged to pay off his ex when they divorced, but it was on an interest only basis which now has about 7 years to run. There is no repayment plan for the end of term, and the sum is around £100k. On the other hand I am debt free, my Mum and Dad left me well provided for, although my inheritance is now in the house, I have a good job and work hard to give us a good life, he on the other hand thinks nothing of spending £16k on a new motorbike instead of paying off any debts and I am wary of putting my name on a mortgage that I didn't run up - however without going on the mortgage, I cant go on the deeds, and unless I am on the deeds, I cant leave anything to my son, only what I have in the bank. This and the toxic situation at home is giving me sleepless nights

OP posts:
HJWT · 19/02/2019 14:08

Wow id run run run

downcasteyes · 19/02/2019 14:08

Oh my God, forget the emotional situation for a second, you need to sort out this financial mess. You have basically handed over a ton of your own money to him, and you need to seek legal advice about the house and getting your name on the deeds to reflect the contribution that you have made. The fact that he is dragging his feet on giving you legal protection is a massive red flag.

I would start by asking people on here about your options, on a separate thread. Work out where you stand financially first, and it may make the decision about what to do a hell of a lot easier.

downcasteyes · 19/02/2019 14:09

Sorry, that should have read 'getting your name on the deeds or reclaiming the value of your investment'. I actually typed that - but must have accidentally deleted it.

Be VERY careful before doing anything that could cause you to take on his debt.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 14:15

If this was a new relationship, I would definitely run, my son and I are so close that people joke that we are still joined, he is my absolute world and the light of my life, I thought that I had taken him away from a life that was filled with anger and violence, and in the early days of this relationship, things were good. However as time has gone on and my son and partner have not bonded, this was not the life I saw for us. When I am with either one of them on my own, life is good, but I now feel for my son as he is nearly 21 and in a relationship of his own. His girlfriend like me is torn, does she speak to my partner or not out of loyalty to my son ? Mediation for them is out of the question, my son wont even be in the same room as him, had we been just starting out, I would definitely put my son first and walk. However, there is the money issue and I wont leave penniless, I did that when I left my violent ex and I cant let my Mum and Dad down by walking away from what they left me. I am trapped.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 19/02/2019 14:18

Can’t you get a legal charge on the property?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/02/2019 14:19

I've got to admit your 'DP' sounds like a bit of a loser and has been using you as a cash cow.

You sunk your inheritance into his house without ring fencing it or getting anything in writing? Oh dear. Am starting to see why your son thinks he is a loser. As said above, you need to make an appointment with a solicitor and GET THIS SORTED. Can you get a doc drawn up that details the money you put in, then at least this can be left to your son. But do NOT take on his debt.

Unfortunately, I think the damage has already been done to the relationship with your son. You said 'what happens when he moves out' - if things are really that bad I'm amazed he still lives at home.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 14:20

Go get legal advice OP, do you have proof the the money going from your account to his, that will help, but, surely at the moment he will agree to some kind of legal document that protects your investment, once you get that, I'd advise you get away asap.

RhubarbTea · 19/02/2019 14:21

You need to seek urgent legal advice. It sounds like you weren't in a good place when you got with him and you have swapped one abuser for another. I'm so sorry but I think you have been a fool and you need to put your son first.

NabooThatsWho · 19/02/2019 14:24

my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter,

Ok based on that one sentence alone I would be long gone.

Your poor son having to live with a someone who doesn’t like him.

Hopefully he won’t resent you in the future for not putting him first.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 14:25

My son is still at home as he loves me - I don't think he would leave if he could. He has only just finished a college course so isn't financially dependant and going to his Dad isn't an option as although the restraining order only covers me and not my son, my ex is a violent alcoholic who lives in squalor in a one bed council flat. I love my son so much and feel I have failed him. We do a lot together and when its just us 2, its like the good old days when he was a little boy, but I think he resents sharing me with someone he cant stand.

OP posts:
Prinstress · 19/02/2019 14:27

Your choice is your son or your partner I’m afraid.

NabooThatsWho · 19/02/2019 14:28

Do you love your partner?

mulberrybag · 19/02/2019 14:31

You have to sort this mess out.
First step solicitor. Financially you've got a big shit storm ahead that needs all of your energy to sort. You must do this, then you will be free to leave and start again. Please please please don't stay because you are scared or because you are apathetic

AnotherEmma · 19/02/2019 14:32

How much did you invest in the house, exactly?
Do you have evidence of the investments, ie bank statements and invoices?
I advise you to get legal advice on it ASAP.
Given that he has £100k debt and no intention of adding you to the mortgage and deeds, I think it's unlikely that you're going to get your money back - not without a fight.
See what a solicitor says, but be prepared to write the money off.

Oh and end the relationship, that goes without saying.

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 14:34

Deep down I do, his relationships with his family put him in a bad light, they are truly toxic, but how can I love a person who cant accept my son and who wont give me the financial security I deserve because of what I have contributed, in the region of £120k, plus I have paid for holidays, concerts, treats, meals out. He earns five times more than me but I never gold dig. I am starting to doubt what I feel as the relationship feels toxic and not rosy as it was when we started out.

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 19/02/2019 14:34

There's no point going on the mortgage if your partner has no equity in the house.

See a solicitor, yourself, now. Take financial statements and any written communication about the terms of you investing in the property. Talk to them about how to reclaim your money. Start looking into moving out as well.

Oh and leave him. He's a loser. Choose your son every time.

CJ357119 · 19/02/2019 14:35

Your son is for life and as long as he isn’t being a complete arse (which it doesn’t sound like he is) then you must take the only step you have available. You also then need to take a step back from the world of men

Ethel80 · 19/02/2019 14:40

Leaving out the relationship between your partner and your son, you've put 120k into a house you have no legal rights over? Fucking hell, there's naive and then there's completely and utterly wreckless. You need to get legal advice ASAP and do something to sort this out.

Has the relationship between your partner and son always been poor? What was it like when you moved in with him?

If you were really happy with this bloke and it was a case of clashing personalities with your son then I think as he's 21 it would be silly to throw the relationship away but he does sound like a dick and yes a loser.

Are you sure it's everyone else's fault that he has no relationships with the rest of his family?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 14:40

I invested about £120k into the house, he has other debt than the £100k interest only piece on the house, there is the repayment part of the mortgage as well at around £55k, plus about £17k on credit cards. Yet he thought nothing of paying £16k on a brand new BMW motorbike without even telling me till it was a done deal. I need to get my name on the deeds somehow but it feels wrong to put my name to debt that is nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
Fishwifecalling · 19/02/2019 14:41

Presumably there is money in the house with the improvements you've made and due to house price increases.
When it is sold in 7 years time, as presumably it will have to be, is there enough to pay off his debts and return your investment?

If there is, then get yourself to the solicitor to see if you can put a charge on the property or something. If there isn't going to be enough to pay you back it's not even worth bothering to see a solicitor.

Either way I think that your ds may well be right.