My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

My suggestion, rather than post on here get on the phone and see a solicitor.

You either in fact an Ostrich or unfathomably stupid.

You can apply to the court to have a ‘beneficial interest in the property’

www.blasermills.co.uk/even-if-my-name-isnt-on-the-property-deeds-do-i-have-any-rights/

Given the amount you have invested, it is important that you do protect your contribution. This will also leave you separate from the mortgage.

You’re still very much ‘we, we, we’; let me spell out for you that this man you’ve thrown £120k at is a piece of shit who has absolutely no plans to split the house between your respective children when you die. He’s got your money without any proof that you gave it to him.

You’re an idiot for choosing this man over your own son, and I think you are lucky he hasn’t turned his back on you after you have so clearly shown him where he is in the pecking order.

Get legal advice, but be prepared to kiss the money and your son goodbye.

The MN advice for partners moving into mumsnetters houses is not to let them pay any of the mortgage or they might have a claim on it.

Unfortunately the reverse is true for you op. You haven't paid towards any of the mortgage - only in kind. That doesn't help your case.

How much proof have you got of the £120k? All or any of it? Get to that solicitor asap.

my injection has been cash by way of payments to the builders for the extension.

Similar situation to my poor DM. I hated her partner too. There was no proof she had put the cash from the sale of her house into his. She lost the lot when, after 13 years, he trader her in for a younger model.

Get out now do not spend what is left of your money with this man. Leave and bring a civil claim for the money you put into the house, I don't know if this will work but don't make things worse by spending more.

Make an appointment to see a property solicitor. Phone them now and see them this week.

And I really don’tnkenhow you can live in a house where your son and partner don’t speak? When you said about not having Christmas dinner together it sounded like your son had already moved out.

I think because of how awfully abusive your relationship with you sons dad is you are now in just an abusive one

He has stolen your money - over 100k of your money which he has no plans for you to get back
He has no relationship with any of his family (and believe me however toxic they are it can be coincidental that no one likes him) and his daughter
Your son presumably is still there to protect you and doesnt want to leave you alone with him

Get legal advice re the loan and then leave

OP - one of the first things you should do is go on the Land Registry site and download and complete HR1 form. Get it witnessed and sent off asap. It means you are registering your 'Home Rights' and it will prevent him from being able to sell the property that you both live in.

If you fell out and he tried to sell it, it would come up in the Solicitor's search and it would prevent him from being able to sell it from underneath you.

Also see a solicitor and follow the advice re: establishing a beneficial interest in the property as Motionoftheocean said.

One can be in a room, the other walks in and not a word is said. Luckily due to work/shift patterns I am with either one or the other and their paths don't cross every day. Christmas was so hard, I persuaded my son that we should sit down in the dining room all together for lunch, the poor lad's food nearly choked him he was so uncomfortable all sat round the table together. He gulped down what he could, said he wasn't hungry and left the rest, meaning that my appetite deserted me too. My partner seemed oblivious tothe tension and frame of mind that my son was in. For the rest of the day my son watched TV on his Mac, chatted to his girlfriend as she was away in France and we were relieved when the day was over. I had dreaded the logistics of it for weeks before and it was as bad as I had imagined. For the record, my son & I are still very close, we holiday together every year, just him and me, we go for meals together, the cinema, and hes not a mummys boy, we have been through so much together and he is my very best friend. His girlfriend, although very new (last Sept) is a delight and a breath of fresh air, I love her to bits

why are you staying in this awful situation

So what are you going to do op?

Sometimes I think that's all I am worth, have taken so much crap over the years and actually thought I had a better life and could give my son a safe future - maybe for me there is no happy ever after yet all I have ever tried to do is to make life good for us all

Will you fill out the form HR1?
Will you go to the solicitor?
Have you got bank statements that show any of the 120k transactions?

Of course you are worth more. I bet your DS will be delighted to help you plan your future if you confide in him. I suspect as app said, that he wants to stay at home as your protector and he might be afraid to move out.

I have to try and salvage what I have invested as without that my son and I have nothing, I have to get the finances straight without causing a ruck as if he turns round and tells us to go then we have no leg to stand on. Then I have to break away while I have a good portion of my life left. Thank you all so much for your input, it has hurt me to read it in black and white but has helped me to write it all down, and you have all given me the same answer - you can't all be wrong. My son will be 21 next month and I am taking him to Vegas so will get that trip done and enjoyed and come home and try and find some backbone.

How long have you been with this man, how long have you and your son been living with him? But mainly why have you put your need for a man in your life and one that your son dislikes intensely before making a stable, loving home life for your son as he grew up?

Yes- will definitely fill in the form - that's a start point, then just take one step at a time. I don't want to find myself homeless, there is the flat but I need to give the tenant notice - thank you so much x

See a solicitor ASAP.

We have been together 10 years, it's not always been like this between them, my son like most kids of divorced parents didn't want to leave his home/school/friends etc but my mum was a huge support and lived just a few mins away. It was only as my son grew that the resentment started to the point where now he is 20 nearly 21 and he is a man that he doesn't appreciate being yelled at for saying the f word once !!!! And he doesn't like his work ethic that has worsened over the years, his lack of relationships outside the house and I am trying to manage the money and title deeds issue without intervention from my son as I know he won't tolerate delaying tactics

Well OP, you can't change the past - but you can identify what you want for your future and work towards it.

It sounds to me like you have a lot going for you - your relationship with your son and his girlfriend, your job, your pension pot, a flat and a load of new furniture that you paid for.

BUT you have a 'D'P whom you are ambivalent about and who seeks to isolate you from your son, and up to £120k that is tied up in an asset to which you have no immediate legal title.

So you need to establish (a) whether you can establish any sort of legal or beneficial title to the house WITHOUT also taking on the £100k debt (your title to the new furniture is clear and you can always sell this) and (b) whether you want to continue a relationship with your 'D'P that means losing your son and being tied up in his selfishness, debt and general uselessness (the motorbike is a red flag - been there!) until you die.

See a solicitor to establish point (a) WITHOUT giving any indication to 'D'P that you are doing so. Stop going for meals, concerts etc that you pay for until this point is established - save your money.

Think very carefully about point (b). It sounds to me like you will better achieve what you really want (a continued good relationship with your son) by moving to your flat alone and continuing to work/contribute to your pension until you decide you wish to retire. This may or may not involve ending the relationship with 'D'P - most likely the latter.

You may have to walk away from the money in the house to achieve happiness, though. Look on it as rent for the years you spent there. I'm sure your parents would rather you were happy than tied to a life of misery for the sake of their cash.

You sound like you are just putting it off, OP.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and go and see them this week or next week. Get the ball rolling. Get some information on what you need to do.

Fill in the form ASAP - not next month, not after the Vegas trip, not after your son turns 21. Do it this week.

Then you can enjoy your son's birthday knowing you have set things in motion.

The dates you given us suggest you literally went from one abusive relationship to the next barely pausing for breath. You may wish to consider the Freedom Programme or at least a long and single period of self-reflection once this is done and dusted.

I'm no legal expert - but it seems to me you have a real emotional involvement with this money - understandable I suppose. You suggest you and your son will have "nothing" - but you won't. You say you have another flat and you're both working. That means you'll have food on the table and a roof over your heads. Perhaps not quite as grand as you'd hoped.

The reason I say you're emotionally invested in the money is that whilst you allow yourself to focus on getting your money back - it allows you turn your anger at him - rather than your own shame/anger/fury that you've allowed yourself to get into this pickle. That's stuff you'll have to forgive yourself for at some point.

Reality is - this man is a cock, whether you get your money back or not.

Ask your son straight up tonight "do you want a stab in the dark at getting your inheritance back or do we leave tomorrow?"

I know which he's going to choose. He'll take the flat with his mum any day!

I am afraid you have swapped one toxic relationship for the other. It is shocking you have thrown down the drain 120k with no financial protection!

You going to have to consider that money a lost and move out.

It is a priory you salvage your relationship with your son. Eventually he will get fed up and distance himself from you, this will be more evident when he moves out.

Unless I am mistaken the mortgage company will not be happy about you going on the deeds unless you go on the mortgage.

Therefore not only have you given this guy £120k with no protection for yourself, you will then also be liable for the interest only mortgage when it runs out with no payment plan in place.

Also if you are on pensions then mortgages are fewer and harder to find.

His joint vision is you having all the dosh and giving it to him.

I would actually avoid going on the deeds and find a way to get some of the cash back. You will be throwing more money away the longer you stay. Your partner could well borrow against the house or stop paying the mortgage. It's done now but you could avoid throwing even more money into the property.
The fact your son hates him but also his own family want nothing to do with him is a bad sign,
My first ever LTB!!