My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

Good update.
Take a breathe and stay calm.

Stick to your plan.

Well done on taking the first step. Take it a stage at a time

Wow! You sound so clear and confident about your next steps and are tackling this now from a position of strength. Get you!

If he says yes and then does nothing, plan B and I go. If he doesn't do it this time, he never will and I cant waste my life sitting round waiting for it.
It is 4 years since I paid for the extension and at that time, I was to have either been put on the mortgage and be noted that way, or have some sort of legal document drawn up to recognise my share. We have wills that leave everything to each other, and ultimately when we have both died, to our children, but if I go first he could cut my son out completely and that's his inheritance gone.
In that 4 years, mainly due to work issues/lack of continuous work due to him working as an interim and not a full time job, re mortgaging hasn't been an option, but I think now that his relationship with my son is so bad/non existent that I have to take action myself.
He has 2 choices, he can go with it, or not. I equally have 2 choices, and after reading everyones opinion on here I have seen things very much more clearly.

Please change your will while you're at it. I have no idea why anyone would leave all their money to a partner if they've children with someone else

Keep going, you sound so much stronger than you did when you started this thread. You can do this x

Yes, the will is part 2. At the moment we leave everything to each other and then to the children when we both die. The way I want it is that I leave my share to my son, he leaves his to his daughter on the understanding that the other partner has the right to live there till either they die or sell. At that point the money goes to the children.
Once I get my share of the house acknowledged then the wills will change, or at least mine will, he can leave his if he wants but I need to make sure my son is covered. My life assurance (3 x my salary) goes to my son, and the flat I bought with my 25% pension payout is in my sons name, so I have at least seen sense there !!!!!!!!! My partner did try to make me see how much better it would have been to have used to flat money to reduce the mortgage but I dug my heels in on that one - he would have been so much better off re repayments, as it is I am better off to the tune of £450 a month rent money coming in !!

You need to change your will now, there's no need to wait. (You don't have to tell him you have.)

What's your timescale for moving to plan B?

Yes
Change your will.
Make it iron clad.
Mum left me and sis some money when he sold the house.

Dad loved us and gave us the money but he said ( not sure why) he could have contested it.

"My partner did try to make me see how much better it would have been to have used to flat money to reduce the mortgage but I dug my heels in on that one"

Thank God!
Can't decide if he's a cheeky fucker or a crafty bastard. Probably both.

YY to changing your will NOW. Everything you own to your son.

I cant change my will until I have an interest in the house that I can leave, the flat is covered as already in my sons name, he is the beneficiary in my life assurance and my pension, so anything else would be just what it is in the bank. Once I have my share of the house recognised by whatever means then that's something I can leave him and I will change my will at the same time. Time wise - not easy at the moment as he works away Monday - Friday (although that said that helps the atmosphere at home) so as soon as I have got my options, I put them to him, then as long as/if he agrees, whatever paperwork we need to sign would need to be signed by us both, so would push to him finishing early on a Friday and going back to solicitors then. So probably no more than 2 - weeks after putting the options on the table. I go to vegas with my son in 6 weeks so would like sorted by then at the latest.

Another Emma -

Thank God!
Can't decide if he's a cheeky fucker or a crafty bastard. Probably both.

You and me both - I was flabbergasted. Did 2 x second viewings on 2 flats, both the same afternoon so they were clear in my head as to which one was the winner. Got home, was about to phone the estate agent and make my offer, then he said - "before you jump in with both feet, let me just show you something" - out came an A4 sheet of paper divided into 2. One side, benefits of buying the flat in terms of rental, future value vs service costs etc., other - side benefits of using the cash to pay off a chunk of the mortgage which would have reduced the payments to a fraction. HIS payments not mine, and the pension money was from a company that I worked for before we even got together !!!!! he then had the bright idea that the rent money could be used towards the mortgage payments should he remortgage and roll the repayment and interest only parts together and add my name, after the £16K motorbike purchase I told him he obviously didn't need the rent money so could whistle for it. The flat is in my sons name and the rent money with me, it has funded our Vegas trip nicely.

What was his reaction when you said no and bought the flat anyway?

Do you think he’s refusing to note your interest now as some form of punishment?

I think he was disappointed and told me a few months ago that he resented the fact I didn't pay towards the mortgage- it's not my debt and I pay for other stuff, the food every week, the cleaner, the window cleaner, holidays, concerts, meals out so I don't freeload at all. He had never refused to note my interest but just seems to find excuses and drag his feet - no more though, once I have my options in line I will present them and then ask for action. No more delaying tactics.

"I think he was disappointed and told me a few months ago that he resented the fact I didn't pay towards the mortgage- it's not my debt and I pay for other stuff, the food every week, the cleaner, the window cleaner, holidays, concerts, meals out"

He's a twat, a. for expecting you to pay HIS mortgage and b. for getting you to pay for all those extras - doesn't he earn 5 times what you earn?!

If you end up going on the mortgage then make sure it is tenant in common rather than joint tenants as then you can leave your half directly to your son.

Be careful about leaving dp an interest in it until he dies because if he then moved another woman in and left her a life interest on his half, then your son wouldn't be able to force a sale so although half would be technically his, he wouldn't be able to access it until she then died. And so on.

Thanks for the advice Fishwifecalling - will ask solicitor how to manage that one.

And yes AnotherEmma, he earns 5 x my salary, although to be fair this is the first year since I lost Mum so 6 years that he has had a job for a good solid run,he has tended to do six months on and six off while he waited for the next assignment. His salary at the moment is at least 5 x mine. A friend recently queried his time off periods and he told her he is semi retired !!!!!!!! Unemployed is the word you are looking for 🤣 if only we had the luxury of being able to even drop to 4 days a week !!!!!

I hope you can do the Freedom Programme and work on your self esteem after you've got the legal/financial stuff sorted.

You need to retrain yourself not to put up with this sh*t for so long.

You are absolutely insane and spectacularly naive. Why the fuck give your h so much money without paperwork?

See a solicitor NOW.

As for you son, your family life sounds toxic. Absolutely awful. Get the money sorted, dump your h and start looking after your son.

Presumably "h" is for husband?
He's not her husband, that is the whole point.

Have just started the conversation about the house, said I have been googling my options and have found a couple of ways that work, just threw into the air, slowly slowly so I don't hit him with it out of the blue - laid the ground out ready, then suddenly he remembered a barbers appt at 9 so that was end of conversation!! Have had to change solicitor to 7 Mar due to work but have got my ducks ready and on 7 Mar they will be in a row ready for the options to be delivered. Watch this space xxxx

He's not a twat. He's very, very clever.

He's had his life paid for, for a number of years.

Good luck OP.

Funny that

Somehow I don't see him agreeing so easily. He is crafty and cunning. He really wanted you to give him the money to reduce his mortgage.... still not having your name on the mortgage!

You need to say to him its been 4 years now since you ploughed money into his house and it's time it got sorted out. No wriggle room for him. Pin him down and give some dates to see a solicitor.

Bloody nonsense about having a barbers appointment. How convenient.

He's so obviously trying to exclude you from having a financial interest in the house. A blind man can see that.