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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner & my son hate each other

380 replies

Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 13:51

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

OP posts:
PurpleHollyhocks · 06/03/2022 10:08

Good for you, well done and wishing you a happy future

JackieQueen · 06/03/2022 10:34

Great news op, glad life is good for you now Flowers

Mellowyellow222 · 06/03/2022 10:45

To be honest you thread has made me so angry I can’t give advice.

Why did you get involved with this man. Why did you let him take all your money to extend his house? Why did you stay with a man who can’t maintain any other relationships and is awful to your son?

2catsandhappy · 06/03/2022 10:45

Fantastic update!!

Mellowyellow222 · 06/03/2022 10:46

Oops I got carried away and didn’t read the update

GandTfortea · 06/03/2022 10:49

So hold on ,
Your son is 21
So for 12 years or so
He’s lived with a man he hated
And your only worried now because you think he won’t visit when he leaves home
You should of put your son first years and years ago ,and moved your son from one unhappy home to another unhappy home
Not unhappy for you no
But unhappy for your son ,living with a man he hates
Well
You reap what you sow I’m afraid

GandTfortea · 06/03/2022 10:59

At least say if it’s a zombie thread so people don’t waste time replying

Quitelikeit · 06/03/2022 11:03

Brilliant update op!! Can I ask how he paid you off? And if you got back your 120k did he sell up?

wingscrow · 06/03/2022 11:05

Never put a man before your kids...

Red flags everywhere when it comes to this man: he has no relationship with his relatives, poor relationship with his daughter, financially irresponsible and he is 'jealous of the relationship I have with my son'...

The man is a complete loser. Leave him, get legal advice and sort out your finances.

I think you also need to do some work if you can through counselling to look at how you approach relationship and how to improve your self-esteem. You left an abusive relationship only to end with another toxic man. Sounds like there is a pattern you need to address.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 06/03/2022 11:06

Great update @Pinkielove
Thought of you often!
So glad all worked out

Eightiesfan · 06/03/2022 11:23

If you stay with this man, you are choosing him over your son. Yes, your son is an adult, but this kind of hatred does not just appear out of nowhere, you have either ignored the signs in order to have a relationship with this man, or you must have had your head in the clouds.

Your son will get on with his life, and you at best will be hovering around the edges or at worst you will not be a part of it.

Your DP sounds like a controlling twat, if it was me I’d rather be in my own rather than stuck with someone who clearly does not see you as an equal in your relationship.

NotStayingIn · 06/03/2022 11:26

Brilliant news, so glad your perseverance paid off! Really well done! Now please don't give this new chap all your money Wink.

Pinkielove · 06/03/2022 11:28

@Quitelikeit I forced a sale and got back what I put on and more - took a while but I got there on the end and my life is very different
@GandTfortea - not a zombie thread - just one with a sad start but I wanted to give anyone in the same situation hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel
If you read the update you will see I did just what you are saying - I was a fool but an unhappy fool. That has now all changed thankfully once I got my big girl pants on
@Mellowyellow222 - I made myself angry but I was trapped.
I was in a car crash last year in which a baby died - not my fault, thankfully none of us were badly hurt but I realise now how precious life is and my little family are my world - just wanted to update that there is life after abuse xxx

OP posts:
Pinkielove · 06/03/2022 11:31

@NotStayingIn - I won't !!!!!!!! Very early days but he's good company and puts the spring back into my step - I don't think I'll ever commit fully again but just so happy to be free from my past. There is more to life than having a partner and I've realised that now 🥰 xx

OP posts:
Pinkielove · 06/03/2022 11:32

@Eightiesfan - I got out with my sanity, my family and my money. Was hard and very stressful but I did it and am proud of myself !!!!!!!

OP posts:
Pinkielove · 06/03/2022 11:36

@IWentAwayIStayedAway thank you !!!!!
I never did anything to intentionally hurt my son - I knew he wasn't happy so I am glad that we are all now out and free 🥰 my ex now has a new lady in his life - I hope she sees through him faster than I did but he's now her problem not mine thank goodness. Onwards and upwards for me !!!!!! Xxxx

OP posts:
LemonFanta123 · 06/03/2022 11:39

I’m so happy it all worked out for you in the end OP what a lovely update. Enjoy your life!! :)

babbi · 06/03/2022 11:54

Fantastic news 👏👏
Well done OP .. so pleased that you managed to salvage so much from that situation.
That was a very welcome update 🥰

I wish you much peace and happiness going forward!!!

You should be very proud of yourself !!

Ohmybod · 06/03/2022 11:59

I think you need to give your DS more credit. You say he resents sharing you with your DP. He’s a 21yo in a relationship with his own. I expect it’s not about sharing at all and all about the fact that he is starting to understand what adult healthy relationships are about and recognises yours is not this. It’s more likely he’s angry about the money and general crap behaviour than sharing you.

As others have said, get to a solicitor asap to understand how to get your money out. You aren’t trapped. You can walk away, with or without the money.

Ohmybod · 06/03/2022 12:00

Ignore my comment!! Hadnt realised it was an old thread. Glad things working out

NeverChange · 06/03/2022 12:11

Congratulations but every single financial and legal move you make for test of your life needs to be on the back of independent, professional, legal advice.

I'm not saying to be horrible but be cause it's necessary. For example, your son's girlfriend now has a claim to his flat etc. I'm not saying this us a bad thing but it was flagged on this thread and you dismissed it.

I'm delighted you are free, that you got your share and that your relationship with you son is still as strong as it is but I really hope you gave learnt from this and will protect yourself in ever way legal/financial/mental/emotional from now on.

SamphiretheStickerist · 06/03/2022 12:12

@GandTfortea

At least say if it’s a zombie thread so people don’t waste time replying
It's an update. Just Read All of the OPs posts and you can see that quite quickly.
SamphiretheStickerist · 06/03/2022 12:13

@pinkielove

Congratulations on getting out mostly intact.

FlibbertyGiblets · 06/03/2022 16:05

What a brilliant update, well done!

FlibbertyGiblets · 06/03/2022 16:09

[Opens book on how many more posters will fail to RTFT and lamp the OP instead]

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