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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner & my son hate each other

380 replies

Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 13:51

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 18:07

Looks like it's a unanimous verdict !! agree can't get on the deeds without going on the mortgage which I am reluctant to do as the interest only piece was his ex wife's payout and he has added loans to it along the way although he can't remember what or when. His sister and dad despise him and his mum died after a cancer battle and a 2 year dispute with him and she died without us knowing until after the funeral. Having been so close to my mum who I miss every day that feels so wrong but he says he feels he lost her years ago. He was a huge support to my mum and to me when I had a breakdown after she died but it's just the money and son issues that I can't get past

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/02/2019 18:18

120k and you aren't married or don't have your name on the deeds! Madness.

What did you learn after leaving your last relationship?

I just can't believe you've thrown away your inheritance like this.

I do always wonder when one person has fallen out with the entire family... I agree with your son I'm afraid.

CassettesAreCool · 19/02/2019 18:20

He's dragging you down OP - walk away, but with the furniture!

Dieu · 19/02/2019 18:41

What time gap was there between leaving your abusive ex and shacking up with this man?
It sounds like you would have been absolutely fine on your own (inheritance, good job, your son, etc), so why you chose this is beyond me.
As the others have said, sort out the financials and then leave, both for your sake and that of your son/future grandchildren. I guarantee that you will regret it one day if you don't.
I wish you well Thanks

ZigZagZombie · 19/02/2019 18:43

He was a huge support to my mum and to me when I had a breakdown after she died but it's just the money

I bet he was a fucking peach to you after she died... so nice in fact, you handed over your 120k without hesitation.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunk_cost

I know you think you're older, wiser, richer etc., but can you not see you're just the same as any other woman rolling up here putting her partner before her kids? :(

Baddit · 19/02/2019 19:45

Wakey Wakey OP!

He doesn't need to plan ahead with his finances because you're the gift that keeps on giving.

When it comes to the crunch there is still your pension pot and your spare flat to cash in to save the house isn't there?

He has an MBA so it's pretty clear that he knows exactly what he is doing when it comes to the finances. I really don't think you haven't seen half of what he is capable of yet and you are still being so incredibly naive.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 19:48

I have known my partner all my life / we were at school together and even through both our failed marriages we were always good friends - when I visited Mum
(I lived 100 miles away then) we used to meet up for coffee so although there was very little gap between my abuse and moving here, it felt right as I knew him already and the kids at that time were good friends, none obviously it felt strange or rushed, but there was no inheritance and no jealousy of my son then. I left my job of 20 years, my home and my friends, had to face my ex in court for assaulting us, by doing what I did I felt we could have a good and happy life here and that my son would be happy. He has always been my number one which is why I feel
bad now they don't get on.

OP posts:
Baddit · 19/02/2019 19:55

*I don't think you have seen half of...

poglets · 19/02/2019 20:00

Ffs, urgently sort out your financial situation,

You have put all your inheritance at risk. Forget about your son's relationship with your partner for now. Get your money protected and then deal with it.

jelliebelly · 19/02/2019 20:22

Get yourself some legal advice NOW

Robin2323 · 19/02/2019 20:23

My son is early 20's.
If it was me I'd be packing and taking him with me to the flat.
His safety and happiness would come first.
No body abuses my son.
I don't want to think that's normal.

Merryoldgoat · 19/02/2019 20:30

Sweet Jesus. The reality here is you chose a useless awful man over your child. You can’t change the past but you need to salvage what you can.

I can’t for the life of me understand how you made so many terrible decisions. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to kick you whilst you’re down - it’s just such a mess.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/02/2019 20:37

You do realise that the reason he hates your son is because your son van see exactly the kind of gobshite this man is.

He has taken advantage of you.

You should've bought your son a property if you wanted him to have security.

ZigZagZombie · 19/02/2019 20:44

You're so far up the damned river, you've lost your canoe.

You can't turn around and say you only ever thought about your son : by doing what I did I felt we could have a good and happy life here and that my son would be happy. He has always been my number one which is why I feel bad now they don't get on.

Because that somehow makes it sound like they've fallen out within the last 3 months. Truth is - you got together with this man 10 years ago... when your son was 10. So how many years is it he's he put up with you putting your partner first?

But you keep hanging on to your belief eh that your son knows you put him first and your partner will see you right financially. Must be nice in there.

SevenStones · 19/02/2019 20:51

You should've bought your son a property if you wanted him to have security.

The OP bought her son a flat which is currently rented out.

Prinstress · 19/02/2019 22:41

I’d give your tenant notice and move with your son. Cut your losses, seriously.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 20/02/2019 08:33

Thank you so much for all your feedback, I sat down last night, had a good read and a good cry as I realised that I am now no better than a Jeremy Kyle mum. All I have ever wanted is security, love and a family life like my Mum and Dad gave me and my brother, being a Mum is what I feel I have been put on this earth to do, and despite all the aggro in the house, my son and I are the very best of friends. First and foremost, I need to get the money side sorted out and then tackle the rest chunk by chunk, I cant move into the flat as it isn't big enough for both of us, its rented out to a single lady and just suits her fine, but the rent money as well as my pension and my salary will mean that whatever happens, I wont starve. I think I have wrestled with how I feel and with what has been going on for so long that I have kind of lost sight of the issues, and its good to read in black and white and for me to realise that it is not just me being a nag going on about the mortgage, I am in the right, I was starting to doubt myself and wonder if I was in the wrong, so thank you. I think that if anything, I have been guilty of being over generous and too trusting, I need to change. Thank you all

OP posts:
Yippeee · 20/02/2019 08:37

Do you want to stay with your partner?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 20/02/2019 08:43

I do want to stay but only if things are different - ie he deals with his debts and acknowledges me as a lifetime partner with my name on everything legal, and tries to make some sort of a relationship with my son. I feel that he is holding off making that commitment as he is holding on for someone better to come along, its the same with marriage. Friends of ours have been together years less than us and are either married or engaged, have open and honest joint finances and in one case even have 9 children between them and they all get on like a house on fire. Is it wrong to want that for myself ? Its too late to build bridges with his family, his Mum died 16 months ago and his dad is 87 with dementia but if I can salvage from this relationship what we had before, and I can feel secure, then yes I want us to be a proper couple again

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/02/2019 09:30

Wow, you're deluded Sad

Yippeee · 20/02/2019 09:39

How long are you going to give him?

combatbarbie · 20/02/2019 09:58

You have ploughed YOUR inheritance into a property that is on interest only and has £100k still to be paid at end of term?? Is there any equity in the house after he remortgaged?

You need to give your head a wobble!! And listen to your son.... DP has no-one except you....that is worrying....

HappyLife21 · 20/02/2019 10:24

I do want to stay but only if things are different

They are not different though, are they? They are what they are.

minmooch · 20/02/2019 13:13

Whether you stay with him or not it is absolutely imperative that you get legal advice. Independently of him. Do not tell him you are seeking advice. Find out exactly where you stand

Only with this knowledge can you progress your discussions with him. It will give you facts with which to discuss what he needs to do. Without this knowledge you will put off discussions or if you have them he will put you off again and again and again. He will gaslight you

You need proper independent legal advice. DO NOT PUT THIS OFF ANY LONGER.

You need to be proactive. You need to pull your big girl pants up and sort this one way or another.

You have not been generous and trusting you have been naive in the extreme. You need to acknowledge this, forgive yourself and bloody do something about it.

It will give you inner strength once you start sorting this out.

category12 · 20/02/2019 13:30

Things aren't going to be different. He's in debt you say, but instead of paying it down, he buys a motorbike. He'll continue this way because it's entirely in his interests to do so.

He's got no incentive to change, everything is in his favour at the moment. Why on earth would he put you on the deeds - he'd be stupid to do so.

You're in a better position than many people. Leave. Pursue the money through legal means from outside of the relationship. Accept you fucked up by trusting this man and don't put any more of your time or energy in. You'll never get those years back. Life is too short.