My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

Who do you want to put first OP because your son and partner are never going to work

Good heavens OP, can't you see that your dreams are pie in the sky nonsense?

One day your son will give up on you and reach the end of his tether with you always choosing your partner over him.

Maybe that will give you the wake up call you need.

He didn't buy a motorbike OP. You did. Fucking piss taker.

Get your money back and get rid of him.

Deeds not words. He has shown you who he is but you don't want to believe it. Children are forever. Don't lose your son over this, he and you have both tolerated more than enough. You deserve better.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP and make it clear that the £120k was a loan and not a gift. there is a general presumption at law in favour of loan rather than gift, but this can be displaced by outside evidence (e.g. something in writing from you saying that it is a gift) and by circumstances (eg if you paid literally nothing else towards the family home/ life together. If you were otherwise paying your way, then it could (and should) be argued that the £120k wasn't you buying a right to occupy, but was a loan to be repaid over time or by being given a stake in the property. If there is £200k equity in the property and you were to get a 50% interest, then mortgage obligations aside, at least you would have an interest in the property and something to show for your money (he would then have to remortgage to buy you out, or sell and move) An alternative would be for him to grant you a second ranking charge (i.e. ranking behind the bank's interest) so that in the event of a sale, once the mortgage was paid off you would get your loan back out of proceeds before he got anything.)

You need solid advice OP, and you need it ASAP, this week.
You need to sort this regardless of what you decide on the romantic side of things- and I suspect that his reaction to you formalising your currently unsecured loan (which he is treating as a gift) will make your mind up on him once and for all.
Sending you much love OP. Give your son a huge hug.

Thank you so much, that's a big help. My concern is if anything should happen to me, my son gets nothing as I can't leave in a will what I don't own, that's common sense. If I got a second ranking charge, could that then be passed to my son via a will ? You will all be pleased to know I have a solicitor appt next week but any info I can gather means less time with him and a smaller bill. Thanks so much for your understanding- I feel as low as can be at the moment and the worlds worst Mum 😢

You have been absolutely foolish here and put yourself first by wanting this man more than listening to your sons needs. Sorry that's harsh but it's the truth. You can rectify this though.

Get a lawyer asap and sort out the financial side. You have foolishly put both you and your ds in a very vulnerable position.

Next dump this man and start repairing your relationship with your child. You have only one child yet men come and go. Leaving this man is going to make a big statement with your son and you can start from there.

You have said it yourself. You swapped one toxic environment for another. Didnt him falling out with his own family signal big red flags to you? It's not too late though, you can work on all of this with your ds.

I have a solicitor appt next week

That’s brilliant!

Pinkie Well done! Every journey starts with a single step right and it sounds as though your thinking on this matter is now far clearer. Also don't worry about the solicitor's bill - will be worth every single bloody penny if you can get your 120k back and worth every penny to gain further clarity about this man and the implications of his actions. Being fully aware of any situation allows us to deal with it pragmatically rather than on hope and prayer.

Tomorrow is another day and I have chance to put this right before it's too late. The family thing didn't raise alarm bells as they fell out with me too, over the years his mum and dad and sister have had arguments and bust ups with just about everybody they know but maybe that should have indicated there is a trait - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Luckily my son and I are rock solid but I can't risk our future as and when he leaves home and I have to protect what Mum and dad left us, they worked too hard and cared too much for me to lose it. Onwards and upwards

My thinking is clearer thanks to nearly 100 identical opinions - you can't all be wrong !!!!! Friends take an emotional view and I only have my brother as family - I try not to tell him stuff as I don't want to worry him, and I suppose I feel ashamed - he had the same inheritance as me and has a beautiful home, cars, fab holidays and I don't want him to see me as most people do on here as a loser and all round bad person. I think I also may need counselling to improve my self worth

Tell your brother! he probably will be cross with you - but maybe he can channel that anger in to helping you put things right!

You did indeed get 100 people saying WTF - but then that's great if it's meant the scales have fallen from your eyes.

Counselling is an excellent idea!

I don't think you're a loser and an all round bad person - show me someone who hasn't made mistakes! We all make mistakes - the lucky ones get to put things right. IMO you probably will lose this money - or at least a big chunk of it. But you're still young enough to have another happy 30 years and a great relationship with your son. This man is sucking the joy out of your life money or no money - life's too short for that shit and money comes and goes.

Hello.

If you manage to get your loan formalised (and it's up to you whether you decide it's interest free or carrying a small coupon) and secured, then that will become an asset of yours which will pass to your estate when you die and will be dealt with in accordance with your will (or the laws of intestacy of you don't leave a will).
I guess the main issue then is that the loan is an illiquid asset- you should consider whether to include terms around its repayment so that he is paying it off to you/ your beneficiary if you die, and he stops making payments, that you can force a sale to recover the debt.

Of course another option for him would be to remortgage the property and give you the £120 back- if there is £200k equity in it then that could be an alternative?

That's fab - thank you so much. Initially we did look at the remortgage idea with a view to me going on the mortgage and the deeds. However that was a non starter as due to his erratic work pattern, he couldn't get another mortgage, and also I am very loath to put my name to what is essentially his debt, I don't owe a penny in the world and don't really want to start with someone else's, especially as the interest only part of the mortgage (which is causing the issue as its interest only) was his ex wifes payout. At least I know that if I get my input formalised then its something I can leave as an asset to my son in my will. My fear is that if something happens to me at the moment, my partner will not only not offer my son a home any more, but would then cut him out of his will and make his daughter the sole beneficiary. Looks like all may not be lost as long as I can get recognition of what is mine, I will let you know it goes with the solicitor next week. Thanks so much for your help x

You need to start seeing the house as an asset (with equity) and not just see the debt. The problem with not wanting to put your name to 'his debt' is that, as a result, you are not getting any of the equity! I would have gone onto the mortgage and the deeds in a heartbeat in your shoes because at least then you have a real right- and if he stops paying the mortgage and the house is sold, you would at least get a share in the proceeds! And if you broke up you would have some leverage- at the moment you don't have that.
However if you don't see the relationship continuing then that ship has presumably sailed.
See what your solicitor has to say about formalising the loan and securing it- sounds like that may be your best bet after all, although I suspect your DP will show his true colours when you break the news to him about what you are seeking.

The problem is you should have lent him the money as a legal charge against the property at the start - although it would need to be separate to the mortgage

You don’t want to be on the mortgage (is it interest only) as that puts you in line with the debt not the equity

Is there definitely 200k equity in the house? I worked that out earlier in the thread based on 55k repayment and 100k interest free mortgage and what you say the house is worth, but you haven't confirmed that is correct.

"I don't want him to see me as most people do on here as a loser and all round bad person."

I'm sorry you think that, but I think it's your own self-loathing talking - I don't see you that way and I very much doubt others do!

You're a good person who has had difficult experiences. You've made a big mistake but you are determined to do what you can to fix it. I don't think that makes you a loser, it makes you resilient.

Good luck with solicitor next week. They will be able to advise on protecting your investment without adding your name to the mortgage.

The only 'loser and an all round bad person' in this is your 'D' P.

Good luck with the solicitor, hopefully this is the first step on the path to a brighter future for you and your son.

Yes, there is def £200k equity. The house was worth £200k 4 yrs ago before the extension that I paid for with my £120k, his mortgage at that time was around £180k. The mortgage has come down to around £155k and the house opposite ours which is identical but older and with one less bedroom (they have 3 not 4 as we do) has just sold for £360k and they got the full asking price within 2weeks. Part of the increase is due to the extension as we doubled the size of the house and the rest is just a general upping of values in our area.

Well done with getting the solicitor appointment. I’m sure there will be sonething you can do as I know soneone who just contributed to a mortgage of her OH for a few years (not on mortgage orcdeeds) and got a pay out.

You definitely aren’t a loser! You handed over the money in good faith, thinking it would all work out and you were making all of your lives better. Even if there was no way to get it back, I bet your parents, brother and son would want you to be happy above all else and ditch this man. If you end up staying with him and making both you and your son more unhappy just because of the money then it’s become a millstone round your neck and is worse than useless.

Great that you've got an appointment with a solicitor. I can't understand why you didn't do it at the point you handed over £120k, but still, that is past. A good property specialist solicitor will advise, but from what I can gather, you'd be better off going on the deeds with your contribution ring fenced, rather than going on the mortgage. As you say, why saddle yourself with his debt? Once you are on the deeds, I'd seriously think about forcing a sale and liquidising your asset, the £120k, then starting afresh with your son. Your partner doesn't sound like someone you want to hitch your wagon to for life, with his debts and expensive toys, like a motorbike.

Tell your son and your brother that you have finally started to realise your 'D'P is a bad 'un. They will be so so relieved. They will help you. Watching you try to play happy families with an abusive man must be awful for them after experiencing you leaving an abusive relationship previously. They will help you if they think you are coming out of the FOG.

Make sure that solicitor helps you get back the money he scammed you out of.

The solicitor has said that can only see me as long as my partner agrees to me having formal recognition, he says that as long as he is agreeable, there are several options that he will go through when I see him. If he isn't agreeable, then the solicitor has suggested I consult a firm who specialise in Trust of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996. Obviously for now I have said that he agrees - the way I see it is that I will come away armed with options, put them to him, and his reaction will determine which way I then go. If he says no, then it will let me know which way he is thinking - ie that he is out to fleece me and I will be off, I will then have to pursue him via the court. If he agrees, then we go ahead, get my interest noted, I keep my gunpowder dry and I can then see if what we have is worth salvaging, safe in the knowledge that is the answer is no, I don't lose what I have put in. Scary times, I feel like I am teetering on the top of a cliff with one foot already hanging over the edge, but unless I start this process, I am forever on a back foot. Thanks again to all for your help and wise words, my Mum was my tower of strength and in the old days, I would have turned to her, but its at times like this, sometimes I don't know which way to turn. Friends are fab, but sometimes and outside view and an impartial opinion are so much better as there is no emotion involved. Thanks all xxxxx

And if he says yes, but never does anything about it, puts it off, what then?