My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

Go and seek proper legal advice.

You have been spectacularly naive with regards the money. You would be an idiot if you did not seek proper legal advice.

Once you know where you stand with regards your £120K then you can leave this man.

Do not waste any more time.

You make the appointment with a solicitor for advice first. Then you can approach him properly.

"I have contributed, in the region of £120k, plus I have paid for holidays, concerts, treats, meals out. He earns five times more than me"

You are INSANE! You have basically GIVEN £120k to this man! That could have been your son's inheritance one day and you've given it to a man he hates! Plus you were paying for those extras when he was earning five times what you earn?

It's financial abuse. You don't need to go on the mortgage, but you need legal advice - ask about beneficial interest.

From the outside looking in, I feel like such a mug and such a loser and if any of my friends did what I have done, I would raise merry hell and tell them what fools they had been. In the early days they got on, but not sure whether my partner was just tolerating my son to get what he wanted, my son is such a kind hearted, lovely, fully, caring young man and so like my dad it breaks my heart. My partner told of him for swearing, it wasn't done in aggression, just part of a conversation that was funny, yet my partner stood over him, bawled at him, told him he had no respect for me (???) and that he wouldn't tolerate such behaviour in HIS house. I didn't help in that I sided with my son and told my partner to grow up, my son laughed and him and told him not be such a wuss, and they have now washed their hands of each other. I think my son also hates the fact that my partner cant get a full time job and yet with all his debts, thinks nothing of taking 6 months out between assignments and buys mid life crisis toys with cash he doesn't have

Firstly get s a good solicitors advice re your financial options.
Then see if there's any way of mediating between your ds and dp.
It's my belief that if Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams etc were able to sit down together to hammer out the Good Friday Agreement which more or less brought a fragile peace to Northern Ireland surely you can too ?
They were sooo far apart.

Sorry I cross posted.
"He earns five times more than you" ..."but can't get a full time job"
????

You've fucked up really badly.

Get legal advice, yesterday.

How much do you estimate the house is actually worth at current market value? Has it appreciated? 120k seems like an awful lot to have invested in extending even if you can get a charge on it to get it back - will it have increased the value by more than that amount?

I hope you leave him, raise your standards and find some happiness. You and your son deserve a lovely life.

But first things first, sort your finances out.

Dig out any evidence you have of the transfer of the £120k, and then go to a solicitor. You may be able to take a charge on the property. If the money is lost its lost, and staying with this awful man won't get it back

Not sure whether its cant or wont get a full time job. He was made redundant just after my Mum died - about 6 years ago, took a year out without working at all, and since then has done consultancy work. The trend has been 6 months work and 6 months off, the money is good - the last contract has actually lasted a year which is better than any of the others. I have asked him to get what I call a "proper" job, he has all the qualifications including an MBA so that he would get sick pay, holiday pay, a pension, but he says that at our age (58) interim work is a better option. Of course it is when you can take time off at a whim, take the bike out in the sun and then ask whats for tea when I walk in ?????

The house has gone in value from around £200k 4 years ago to around £360k now with the increase in property prices and also the extension, we virtually doubled the size of the property and replaced every stick of furniture we both owned so that we had a fresh start

Do you have any proof of investing the £120k in the property? Any transfers/receipts... anything?

So the repayment part is £55k, the interest only part is £100k and the house is worth £360k? So there is approx £200k in equity?

Lets say that the solicitor could get you half of that if not the full £120k, then its worth getting to the solicitors asap.

Yes arm yourself with as much proof of the 3120k as possible.

How was the mortgage paid? Did any of it come from your bank account or a joint bank account. If you can prove you've paid towards the mortgage that might help.

You really need to get proper legal advice about where you stand.

£120k

I agree with everyone else.

You are INSANE! You have basically GIVEN £120k to this man!

I especially agree with this.

Please hotfoot it to a solicitor and get the financial aspect sorted. Of course your waster of a partner is dragging his heels when he's been given £120,000!

Get whatever you can back from the money you've given him, then please see some sense and leave the wanker.

When does he plan on selling the house as it is interest only?

You gave him £120,00 no strings?

Without a single piece of paper??

Please tell me you went to a solicitor at some point beforehand.

Does your son know about the money?? If he does, why on earth wouldn't he loathe your DP? You've given away his inheritance!

What are your retirement plans op? Do you have a pension?

It was always my intention and he said it was our joint vision that he would pay off the repayment part of the mortgage over the term, he had hoped to inherit from his parents for the other £100k but due to the fall out, hell is more likely to freeze over than any member of his family leaving him anything. So - he either has to remortgage and roll both mortgages into one and pay over the remaining term, job done and when we both die, his daughter and my son have the house between them. Or he makes lump sums to the repayment piece, but there is always a reason not to - just need to sort my tax out, need to finalise my accounts etc etc., that and spend £16k on a new bike. I haven't paid any of the mortgage, my injection has been cash by way of payments to the builders for the extension. I hope that my son will benefit but only if I can get my name on the paperwork. I cant leave him anything in my will that I don't own, I did buy a flat with some pension money I had and put that straight in my sons name, so if I did tomorrow, it is already his and it doesn't go into the family pot. That flat is rented out.

I have a pension that I am already taking, plus I have a full time job and rental income from a flat I bought 12m ago with 25% of my pension pot.
He doesn't have a pension as he is self employed and the firms he worked for didn't have any/very good schemes.

Why did you give him £120k for his house?

Please go and see a solicitor.

I thought at the outset that I would be retired by 60, travel, see the world, and on my own, I could do, but not while he has debt. We had a joint vision, goals, providing for our kids but that seems to have gone by the wayside. We will be working till we are 90

You say you love him ‘deep down’

That’s an odd choice of words. Are you sure that you just don’t want to admit that you don’t love him?