Has anyone ever found out about their husbands affair and just kept it to themselves?

[howhasthishappened]

As above really.
I'm lost. I'm in shock and I don't know what to do. I wish I just didn't know.

@Robin2323
He did. He really did. Even when my parents were telling him it's time to move on. He was utterly convinced something was wrong and he never wavered.
That's why I can't imagine him doing this to me.

Me. I didn't tell anyone other than my then husband that I knew. We split up but I didn't tell people the main reason. I'm the kind of person who doesn't tell people about my big problems, I just keep them to myself. I prefer it that way. Does that make me weird?

I wouldn't make any hasty decisions until I know the facts 100%

How many children do you have with him?

Have you talked? Did he offer to shown you his laptop and phone?

Op, your update has me unsure.

What exactly did the message say that say that you saw?

I'm a bit unclear on the dates. This message which you saw between husband and work colleague - was this in the period when you were telling him to fuck off?

Because I suppose if you were telling him you didn't want him any more , then it might be ok (??) for him to be flirting with another woman

I don't know -

• and if there was just one message and it was ages ago??? Is that now over?

However my problem with all this is that his explanation is crap. Obviously a lie. His explanation is bollox.

Agree, @Gina the timeline is important here. OP’s husband may be felt he had to say that explanation because he’s scared to trigger off any potential feelings of PND when his wife his so vulnerable after what they went through before? Just a thought.

I didn't tell anyone other than my closest friend. Embarrassment mainly however it came back to bite me as when he left he broadcast a fabricated reason for going (Not derogatory about me) and got loads of sympathy from people, quite often expressed to me and pointing out his past and on going behaviour made me look bitter.

If he's got nothing to hide he will let you read all the previous messages.

OP, the impression I get is he evidently loves you enough to fight for what you have. I think you seem to want to forgive him and also fight for what you have, as you said you have been very happy of late. It sounds like you’ve both been through a lot, not excusing his behaviour (if he has slept with someone) but I think in some situations a marriage can be salvageable.

Had this affair ended?
Maybe it was a genuine mistake.
I'm not one for tolerating I'll treatment of others but it might have been a one off.
I would however confront him, you don't want to enter into a marriage under dubious circumstances.

Only 2 people know the truth and only ever will know the full truth. Your DH and her.

ooooohbetty I don’t know but I did the same. We’re still together

If he is certain you're wrong surely he can show you and explain what you saw?

Why are people trying to tell op she may have pnd and it's all in her head? She hasn't said she feels depressed or disconnected. She found messages that suggest her husband had sex with someone else. Let's not fuck with her head.

Sorry I'll clarify the timeline-
First child, Pnd, cancelled wedding all in 2016.
'Second' wedding- end of 2017.
Message, month before second wedding.

The message is sexually explicit and he does work with some immature dickheads that I've met.
I've looked at the message again on his laptop- there doesn't appear to be others but not much recently and it could be he's deleted more recent ones and just missed this one.
It's an instant messenger conversation in Work that then saves to his email inbox.

We talked and I cried and now can't stop. Hardly slept.
He's just come upstairs with a card and flowers (never normally do valentines) and I just burst into tears.
I want so so badly to believe him and there is a possibility his story is true as no further messages. He showed me his phone also- but he's never been secretive with it anyway.
But I can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

tbh if it was just one message, her reply to it was "hahaha" and he says people send stupid messages from other people's computers when they've left them unlocked, I'd be inclined to believe him. There are some really immature people who will do that kind of thing. Keep a watchful eye out for any change in behaviour, but I reckon leave it here for now...

Pit of stomach feelings can be misleading, especially when you're in a flood of tiredness and hormones. Sending you hugs, because this must feel shit, but I think try and trust first xx

Oooh. Now I know exactly what you mean. I'm inclined to believe him, that is exactly the sort of thing immature workmates would do and that's exactly the sort of response somebody used to working with immature no boundaries arseholes men would give. Ha ha ha is not the sort of response somebody would give to their affair partner. Xx

@lunabody
Thank you for your kind message.
I'm an emotional mess. I think in absence of anything else I have to try and believe him.
But if I ever find out it was true that will be it. I could forgive if he was honest now, and I've given him that opportunity so I'm hoping he is being honest.

Thank you everyone for all your messages. This has really helped me process and not instantly launch a chair at his head upon reading the message.

He's taken the baby downstairs now and I'm gonna try and get some sleep

I hate the Internet mobiles sometimes because of the grief, suspicion they can cause. It's just something more to worry about when unpleasant things are found.

tbh if it was just one message, her reply to it was "hahaha" and he says people send stupid messages from other people's computers when they've left them unlocked, I'd be inclined to believe him.

I agree with this. Plus all the stuff about how good he was from your PND.

for you OP