Has anyone ever found out about their husbands affair and just kept it to themselves?

[howhasthishappened]

As above really.
I'm lost. I'm in shock and I don't know what to do. I wish I just didn't know.

OP - you need to get your ducks in a row here and read everything before you say anything. I am so sorry this has happened to you but you need to find your strength and make a plan for you and your kids. I know thats hard right and you’ve had a truly awful shock... BUT, he decided a long time ago to place you all in this position. Not you. He must be a supreme liar and a cheat to be so convincingly going through the motions at home. And I don’t doubt he could well love you - but its not in the same way that you love him. Are you prepared to soend the rest of your marriage metphorically looking over your shoulder? That gut wrenching suspiscion you’ve had this last while.... could you life with that feeling all day every day, the minute he goes out of sight?

What an utter fucking shitbag you are married to. Be prepared to see the most remorseful, devastated, victimised male that ever walked God’d green earth if you do confront him. He doesn’t deserve someone as lovely and sincere as you pet xx

Don't show him the photos, because that will give away exactly what you know and he'll be able to deny the rest. There's no way he will admit to it still going on if he knows you've got no proof of that.

You don't have to confront him tonight, that's up to you. If you'd rather talk to a friend first, do that. If you'd rather have longer to think about what you want to say and to plan for his reaction, do that. There's no obligation on you to follow someone else's timetable.

If you want to talk to your mum then do it for yourself. I do know it could be hard for their future relationship if you decided to continue (and yes, I've been there personally), but if your Mum is a great support for you then she will be happy to support you whatever you decide to do. It's not your responsibility to make sure her opinion of him is good.

I also urge you to summon all your strength and to sit tight. I have had this happen to me and I wish I had gathered my thoughts beforehand.

I'm so sorry OP. You deserve more than this.

It’s not going to be easy to move on regardless of whether or not you tell your mum!

Ouch

What a pig!

I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry OP - this happened to me (except I was 9 month pregnant rather than with newborn) and every single thought you have, I had. I sat on it for a day then exploded. I still haven’t told anyone as I’m so embarrassed.
We are still together as I couldn’t bear to break up my (I thought perfect) family.
Whatever you choose to do, you will be strong, and cope.

You need someone to support you. Tell your mum x

I'm so sorry xx

What an awful situation OP. Only you know if you can forget about this or even mention it, I'd kindly suggest to do neither but appreciate it is more difficult than that. He's a shit bag

So sorry OP, thinking of you and sending you nothing but strength and love

I'm so sorry. How awful for you.

You need to prioritise yourself in all of this. If you need to tell your mum just tell her.

You are in shock now, give yourself time to absorb this new information and adjust to it. Things being normal, he would be the first person that you would turn to, but, this is a new normal and you can't assume that he has your back anymore. Sleep on it, your mum will have your back no matter what, and maybe you need her support. He has forfeited the right to her good opinion. She can still support whatever choice you make.

Sorry you have to go through this

Firstly, the shame isn't yours it's his so tell your Mum. Don't even think about protecting him from her reaction.

And secondly, I wouldn't say anything tonight. You've just had a baby, and you won't have the strength to confront this head on. I'd sit on it for a few days, and see what else you can find out first.

so so sorry you are going through this. and strength being sent your way.

Oh OP. I know that sickening guy wrenching feeling all too well. Just remember this is not YOUR dirty secret to be ashamed about. It was him, he's the one that should be hanging his head in shame.
So so sorry.

I can see why you're tempted- my dh is beloved to my family, but you owe it to yourself to address it. I am so sorry he did this to you.

So sorry to read this 😓 you must feel sick to the stomach! Don't try to understamd or rationalise. He probably does love you and wanted marriage and family life.
But
Many men and some women compartmentalise. Having his cake and eating it. Probably seeing it as just meaningless sex whilst he has love and commitment with you. It would probably eat you alive from within if you don't confront him.
For what its worth i caught my DH and caused a huge scene, i then made it clear i wasn't sure i'd forgive and forget (but in all honesty i knew I would) i didn't speak to him for 2 weeks, i went out with friends and put on my happy face. I waited until he was begging me on his hands and knees.

I agree with everyone telling you to basically keep shtum here.
Talk to your mum, and talk to a solicitor.
You can write a letter to your mum and in it tell her you feel so rotten and also ask her for whatever kind of support you need from her. Tell her that you are not sure at all how this will end up and that you will need her unconditional and unjudgmental support no matter what you decide.

Take the time to let your discovery sink in. You have an ideal setup with a newborn baby - he won't suspect you are devastated by what you saw and will put any upset or change in you down to having a newborn, sleepless nights, stress juggling the older child and the baby.

See a solicitor. Bring your mum along. Get someone to take care of the baby and little one. Before you talk look up all the details you can find wrt your financial situation - bank account/s, mortgage, lease, car payments, student loan payments, cc bills and accounts.

When the time comes, ask him if he's still shagging the same girlfriend he shagged right before your wedding.

Don't let on you have any sort of proof. Listen to him protesting innocence, getting angry, accusing you of being crazy, and all the other ways he will try to convince you that the problem is all inside your head.

I would say to him...

“I’m going to give you one opportunity to tell me the whole truth about your affair. If you miss out anything I already know, then you will be leaving tonight.”

Oh dear I’m so sorry.
I think the advice not to share the evidence is good. He will just admit to what he knows you know that way.
My mum turned a blind eye as she didn’t want it confirmed. But it has changed their relationship completely.
Do talk to your mum or a friend. X

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened. My ex cheated whilst I was 8 months pregnant until our son was 3 weeks old (that's when I found out). I wouldn't have been able to keep it in any longer than I did - around 3 minutes.

Fwiw I did tell my mum and stepdad and it was so good to have their support and love. I chose to give it a chance - I felt like I owed it to my tiny baby to try. They still supported my decision and understood why I wanted to try. He cheated again maybe a year later and he was out on his arse immediately. I told everyone to almost reassure myself I wouldn't/couldn't go back.

I'm still glad I gave it a try otherwise I'd have always wondered. You don't have to make any decisions right now. And there is no right or wrong decision.

Please tell your mum. You would want to know if you were her so you could support your daughter.

Whatever you decide I wish you and your children a life full of love, happiness and contentment xx

How awful op especially with such a new baby. You say you wish you didn't know, but I'd rather know what sort of person I was married to.

You must speak to him. You must insist on the whole truth. Where you go from there is up to you.