Has anyone ever found out about their husbands affair and just kept it to themselves?

[howhasthishappened]

As above really.
I'm lost. I'm in shock and I don't know what to do. I wish I just didn't know.

Oh no tbh I think you have done well keeping quiet until now. I wouldnt have been able to keep it together, not for a minute. Hope you're ok

Oh you poor thing OP, I’m so sorry. 😔
Yes, have had similar. I kept it quiet for a few years, but I was always watching and waiting. It was only a matter of time.

Tell your mum. You need her. She might see him differently, but at least she’ll see the real him. Your mum will put you first.

Good luck, I hope you are ok.

Well he denied it.
I should have waited.
I'm so stupid.

Please stop putting yourself down, why are you stupid? You've got to be kinder to yourself x

How could he deny it when you had evidence?

I'm so sorry OP 💐 this is so awful, how can anyone treat the mother of their children, their partner like this. You need to stop putting yourself down, you've done nothing wrong, you deserve so much more - respect, honesty, trust. Please look after yourself

He said it was someone else- that it happens all the time on the instant messenger when people leave their laptops open.
Her reply was only 'hahaha' so I guess it's plausible. Except I don't believe him. I want to- but I don't.
I should have waited and got access to laptop again. God knows how long that would have taken tho

We went through a lot a couple of years ago. I had PND and I basically switched off from life, cancelled our wedding and told him I didn't love him any more (I only realised there was something seriously wrong when my feelings for my daughter started to change)
I broke his heart then, we were apart for 3 months, I got help, got better and he took me back no questions asked.
He fought for me every day despite me literally being an uncaring and unkind robot. He told me he knew something was wrong and he wasn't going to give up on me. I told him I had zero feelings for him anymore and to fuck off.
He didn't, and we rebuilt our life, we did get married and have obviously just had another child.
So part of me thinks, why!? Why would he risk us for this? Would he? I always thought not and now I'm not sure.
He's kind and loving to me and always has been, has always made me feel wanted and is the most amazing father to our kids.
So I want to be wrong- I want to believe him. I also think I'd rather he'd just admitted it so I knew one way or the other and we could try and move on. But because I don't know for sure either way, how do I move on?
Do I just take what he says at face value and trust him the way I always have done? Trust that he means it when he says he would never do that to me and that he would never risk our family for anything.

Sorry I'm rambling, I'm up feeding my newborn and just trying to get my feelings down and process them and it's easier to write them out.

@Alyssatomasz This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

What does this mean? Why has my post been hidden?

Sorry if I've missed something op. But you say you've been so happy and he's been amazing, so what made you look?

Of course he was going to deny it. He's lying, you know he is.

It's not your post that's been hidden, it's Alyssa's reply to you. Probably suspected troll activity, don't worry about it.

I can't tell whether he's been unfaithful or not, or if so, whether it was an ONS or some sort of relationship. Sounds like the messages you saw aren't all that clear on it, and I'd be reluctant to throw away an otherwise good relationship without certainty. It can't help that you're tired and hormonal just now either.

Sorry, not much use.

It doesn’t make sense

It’s orobably too late now as he’s probably deleted all other evidence. But I would’ve asked him there and then for his phone and laptop and gone through everything. If he refuses then you know why! However he’s probably got rid of half the proof

@howhasthishappened, what did the message say that you showed him? It sounds like it was conclusive to you.

op.did I read right and it was something you discovered happened before you were married.excuse the cinic in me but could it be from your last update that when you split he cheated.then only let you back and supported you so much because he new what hed done was worse?all that time you were struggling and he went off and splet together and fought to get you back.
I might have got the tmielines totally wrong here.

I did. I used the time to gather more evidence and to get my ducks in a row. Didn't tell any of my friends - everyone thought we were a normal, happy couple. I'm not the sort of person to confide in other people anyway. So I knew he was having an affair but he didn't know I knew and I used to laugh inwardly at all the lies he was telling me all the time.
Divorced now and much happier.

merryberrycheesecake why are you still with him hun.if your happy then ok.but you didn't sound it from you post and it really got to me

If it's all a misunderstanding ask to see the messages again, it will be clear from the history, if it's a joke or someone messing around. If he's deleted them then that tells you he is hiding evidence and getting rid of the one thing that would prove his innocence or guilt.

I have just read your last update and do fee lthat maybe you have pnd raising it’s awful head again.

I am in no way defending your dh if he has done anything, but do you think that could be possible? Reading your last post it seems as though he took the brunt of your feelings before so could do again.

How have you been feeling generally?

So so sorry that you are going through this.
I was in your place a month ago as I found a secret phone. I can not imagine going through this with such young children.
I always said I would not stay .Until it happened .
I too felt embarrassed and ashamed.Of him.I have told no one as I knew it would forever change the way they felt about him.
But you , with such young DCs probably should talk to someone you trust to be balanced and able to listen without judgement.
We are currently in counselling and are probably going to stay together.But ...only because he had to be COMPLETEY HONEST and remorseful.No second chances after this.
MN has been a lifeline for me .Helps just to put it in words.
Just something I found useful is not doing or saying anything while upset or emotional .Waiting to calm down meant I could clearly express myself. Don't make any big decisions until then.
My heart goes out to you.

Can he go stay with someone for a few days whilst you try to understand what's going on?

How weird and very unprofessional that they do that on IM at work!

Frustratingly I guess you'll never know now as he will delete everything and if he is having an affair will now be extra cautious to cover his tracks.

I second that - have you got a bit of PND back again?
I had that with my first child.

Wouldn't hurt to have a chat with your health visitor.

Sounds like he fought very hard for you.

OP my colleague nearly lost his job over someone else sending a message from his laptop. They Typo’d and it ended up with a VERY senior female executive. He was seen to be sending dirty emails... except he wasn’t.
All very messy, but a joke. It can happen. X

I'm not sure about PND- up until today I felt fine I think- I was happy.
I'm so so tired but other than that I think I'm ok.
I've been awake most of the night however feeling really lost and a bit empty.
My baby is currently snoring on me after his (third) bottle since 2am

Part of me just wants to forget about it. Part of me wants to push one more time for the 'truth' which I may already have or may not. I don't know how I would ever know.