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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Leaving abusive relationship tomorrow

183 replies

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:01

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've had to come home and act like everything is normal in order to get my documents and leave tomorrow when he is at work. He's playing with DS. It's a horrible feeling. He seems such a lovely dad in this moment. I'm going to tear his world apart. Women's aid said its common to feel like this. That the guilt isn't forever. But it feels like it will be.

They've advised me to leave a letter in the morning.

I feel like I'm being so deceptive by acting like things are okay.

Please keep me company.

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CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:06

I feel sick.

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RandomMess · 12/02/2019 21:11

You are doing the right thing, he is the one that destroyed the relationship by abusing you Thanks

Kittybelle123 · 12/02/2019 21:14

Thanks Well done on finding the strength to do it. daunting as it seems now, you will come through it stronger than before. All the best for tomorrow Thanks

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:19

The guilt is eating me alive.

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Bekabeech · 12/02/2019 21:26

It will be fine. Try to think about the reasons you are leaving. Remember the times he was not being kind. Remember the bad times.
You can do this.

QuintadiMalago · 12/02/2019 21:26

Hi op
I read your other threads, you're definitely doing the right thing and I'm so pleased for you that you were able to get help.
It's very normal to feel guilt and many other emotions. As you've been to Women’s aid they will have experience of similar situations so their advice will probably worth listening to. Very best wishes and I hope your life gets so much better soon

Bess78 · 12/02/2019 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grincheux · 12/02/2019 21:30

Maybe try to break down exactly what it is that you're feeling guilty about and address it bit by bit with a reasonable response. At the moment everything you're feeling must be overwhelming. Sending warm wishes x

danni0509 · 12/02/2019 21:32

Bless you x sending Thanks

OurChristmasMiracle · 12/02/2019 21:32

Echoing previous poster I bought a notebook and wrote some of the awful things he had done to me. I still have that notebook not that I’ve looked at it in a long time because I haven’t but it was almost therapeutic to write it down

You are doing the right thing for you and your son. Do you want him growing up thinking this is a normal relationship and ending up either being abused or becoming an abuser because he will learn a lot about relationships from what you tolerate as “normal” and “ok”.

Do not feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Flowers

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 12/02/2019 21:34

I left mine ten days ago. I feel much better but like you felt guilty. You can do this. Pm if you like.

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:35

He's going to be devastated that he can't see his son. He will in time but he will miss him in the interim. He adores him. It's so sad.

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user1493413286 · 12/02/2019 21:35

Well done for what you’re doing; just remember that this isn’t your fault, it’s his behaviour that has caused this. The evening after I left I realised I felt like I could breath freely again for the first time in a long time; whenever I had a wobble I reminded myself of that feeling .

Pomello · 12/02/2019 21:37

You are doing the right thing, saving yourself. I did this 11 years ago. Right down to the pretending everything was normal.

You can do it.

Don't feel guilty. Easy to type but these types 'train' you to feel their emotions before your own.

You have a right to feel your own emotions before his and you want to leave.

xx

blindsighted · 12/02/2019 21:38

Wow, how brave of you. I can't imagine how you're feeling but it sounds like you're definitely doing the right thing. Good for you ❤️

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:38

I'm so sad I can't just make a clean break. I'm so worried about the aftermath.

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Pomello · 12/02/2019 21:40

I feel for you. You are feeling the weight of HIS emotions and his sadness.

Remember, if he had considered your feelings before his own, even if he had considered your feelings as equal to your own, even some of the time, I bet you wouldn't be miserable and leaving.

The night I escaped, I cried for him, for his anger, outrage, indignation, self-pity.

It delayed my own recovery I'm sure. Please TRY to drown out his emotions and tune in to your own.

Wine
CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:40

@Pomello @Canthearthroughmyglasses - are things okay for you now? How did you deal with the guilt? I have no idea how to PM as I'm on the app...

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Pomello · 12/02/2019 21:48

@carloscarlos, I think you're right to expect that it will be hard.

But come back to us and take it one battle at a time.

It'll be the usual cycle of shock, self-pity, pleading fake niceness, anger, silence....
No doubt you'll go through this cycle a few times before he gives up.

MY mistake was to try and make my x understand why I'd had to leave.

I spent about two years trying to phrase it this way or that way to try and make him finally finally understand that I'd had to leave.

He was never going to give me his 'blessing' for having left him! Never.

so my advice to you now would be NOT to defend yourself. He may well use your former niceness against you. Ie, you probably identify with being a nice decent person and so you will be called a cold hearted ruthless bitch for leaving.

Dont' waste your time defending yourself or trying to get him to understand. Don't waste your energy or your time putting your 'side' across. He will deliberately never get it. He is not going to see the light, or if he does, it will be a ploy to bring you back to heel. Do not fall for it.

If he accuses you of being insane, impetuous, ruthless, cold-hearted, just say something bland like ''I did what was right for me'' and do not drive yourself prolonging it for years.

When a man is so crazy you have to plan your escape in secret they will never, ever acknowledge that they were an arsehole to you because that is going to challenge their entire world view.

Try and fast forward yourself to the point (that will come!) where you do not give a fucking rat's ass what he thinks of your departure. You won't get their for a while and he will no doubt be able to manipulate the fact that you feel guilt at cuasing him inconvenience which he will say is pain...

Do not put yourself up in the dock defending your decision to leave.
Stay safe.

I hope that you have somewhere safe to go and that the people around you will buffer you.

Pomello · 12/02/2019 21:53

Things are great for me now @carloscarlos and it's funny, I agonised over the decision for so long. My DC are smart, funny, flourishing and far far more confident than they'd be if I'd brought them up in the toxic environment of my fear and his controlling rage and entitlement.

I have a job I like and we got our own place. I have lots of interests and most importantly, the anxiety and the self-doubts that used to plague me, they are gone. I feel at peace, I feel content, optimistic. He has another partner now! God love her but it's not my problem.

It took me TWO years to disentangle myself from him emotionally after I left and I realise that was a big mistake now. I'd left, physically, but by continually engaging with him, to defend myself! he had me on a hook.
He always knew just what unjust slur to throw at me to get me to defend myself. He always gave everything I did or said the most negative interpretation imagineable and so I foolishly put myself up in the dock for at least two years after I left him, always trying to defend myself.

I finally saw the light but I was slow to I think. It's because I didn't understand anything to do with abuse until after I left. I finally realised he was enjoying making me defend myself. So I stopped. He called me a ruthless coldhearted bitch and I said 'yes'.

Peace followed shortly after that.

SpanielEars070 · 12/02/2019 21:55

You need to remember that he's the one who has destroyed the family, NOT you.

Best of luck and stay strong Flowers

Pomello · 12/02/2019 21:56

Check out Meredith Miller on youtube (inner integration)
Ross rosenberg (the human magnet, codependent+ narcissist)
Lisa romano.

They will rebuild you, honestly, over time, you will stop feeling the guilt as your right to feel your own emotions more acutely than his will come to the fore.
Wine

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 22:11

I've just realised I'm meant to have his DD on Friday and some days next week for half term. He's going to be so angry and also pissed off she won't see her DB. Oh god this is so bad Sad

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Pomello · 12/02/2019 22:14

His emotions are for him to deal with.

I know that's easy for me to type. I know you will be racked with guilt.

But flip it for a minute, has he ever been racked with guilt over inconveniencing you?

NOPE.

It takes time, but a bit at a time, let that guilt go. HIs emotions are his responsibility. You need to feel your own emotions now. Fear and relief and sadness but try try try to ''dialogue'' yourself away from guilt. Because that's how these arsholes manipulate and control.

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 22:16

He's talking about going on holiday as a family in the summer. Our first family holiday. Oh god oh god.

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