Leaving abusive relationship tomorrow

[CarlosCarlos]

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've had to come home and act like everything is normal in order to get my documents and leave tomorrow when he is at work. He's playing with DS. It's a horrible feeling. He seems such a lovely dad in this moment. I'm going to tear his world apart. Women's aid said its common to feel like this. That the guilt isn't forever. But it feels like it will be.

They've advised me to leave a letter in the morning.

I feel like I'm being so deceptive by acting like things are okay.

Please keep me company.

Women's aid said take all paperwork but I just don't know where any of it is. Mortgage stuff etc but I can request this from the bank. I feel really sick.

The fact you don't know where your mortgage paperwork is speaks volumes. It's financial abuse.
Be brave and do it for your child if it doesn't seem worth it for yourself. He's brought this on himself you have nothing to feel bad for.

@cupoftea84 I think we are both really disorganised. I don't think he would know where it is either! Genuinely.

I'm so anxious

Hi OP. Request the mortgage stuff from the bank. Focus on the physical leaving now. Do not stress about how HE will feel about your leaving. He didn't stress about abusing you, did he? Now is YOUR time. You are doing the right thing. We are here for you.

I feel so stupid. I just want to fast forward 5 years.

I had to do similar, except without a child. I took sentimental stuff that couldn’t be replaced, whatever paperwork I could find, clothes and shoes. I also hunted out the sentimental Christmas decorations I had as well. Honestly though, most things can be replaced over time and don’t worry too much about those.

The unknown is scary, but I am so much happier on the other side and you will be too in time

Take certificates for any qualifications you have.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, you are doing a very kind thing for your older self and DC.

Good luck.

First things first - deep breaths. You’re going to be OK, I promise you

On this link you’ll find a bit about what to include in your safety packing list. It will help you to focus on what you need.

Spend half an hour making a list of what to take and work through it. Try not to get distracted, focus and keep calm. You can do this, I believe in you xx

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Having been in an abusive relationship/marriage for 20 years to then have the final kick in the teeth that he left me (IYSWIM, it;s a relief he's gone but wth trauma bonding you don;t feel like that at the time), you are doing the right thing. I wish I had left STBXH years ago, but you get sucked into the cycle. I went for counselling after he left and it did me the world of good. The counsellor explained that you will go through the grief cycle....it is like death..... and it's perfectly natural and okay to feel all the range of emotions, including guilt. Soon will come anger and that will help you to boost your confidence that you have done the right thing. If it helps, you are best to go now whilst your DS is young(? I assume is young) - my DS is now 12 and I am about to send him to counselling as doctor has said he has issues due to what he has seen (he also cannot control his anger and has outbursts, cannot express his emotions, has a fear of his dad and hates going, is failing in school and i think is depressed).... you are saving your DS from the potential of this happening.

This is what i would say to make sure you do, it helped me anyway:

• take all documents you can, passports, birth certificates, qualifications with you when you go. Other stuff can be collected with someone with you/on your behalf at a later stage.

• Take it one day, of not one hour at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether it be guilt, rage, sadness, relief etc. It is all natural and go with it. Make sure you eat and drink little and often.

• If you can get yourself some counselling. I did 6 months and it was very beneficial to help me realise why I allowed people to do certain things, how my upbringing affected my life choices etc. I did it more for me than him, and it helped me to realise who I am and why I am me.

• You could drive yourself mad on the internet Googling things, my only recommendation would be to definitely read Lundy Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?) and to read up on reactive abuse, as they have a good way of making you feel like it's your fault/you were abusive to them and it makes you doubt yourself immensely - you'll realise it's not the case when you read about reactive abuse.

• Do not hide the truth of how he was from anyone. If they choose to "side" with him, then they are essentially agreeing that abusive behaviour is acceptable. my XMIL knew my STBXH had been violent on several occasions but still said she was not taking "sides"....i now don;t speak to any members of his family and my life has less drama in it since then! The abuser usually tends to play the victim, claim you were abusive too or downplay the severity of what they did so that they look like the nice guy (especially as you are leaving him, be prepared for this).

• Keep yourself as busy as possible, even if this means starting a new hobby or cleaning your house 5 times a day. You will not feel like it but forcing yourself to do this, or socialise will make you feel better. Lean on friends/family for support when you need it.

• Keep a journal if it helps to write it down. Once it's on paper you may feel better. It is also a good way to track your emotions and gradually see that things are getting better!

• Similarly keep a list of all the things he did/said to you. I have a list I keep in my handbag. If I ever felt guilty/sad/that he wasn't a bad guy, I just had to look at that list. Brings you back to reality with a bump and is a good reminder of the crap that you never wantto experience/go back to ever again.

• Low contact. If you didn't have DS you could go no contact but you will have to maintain low contact. It might be hard to do at the start but it does get easier. I only communicate with STBXH about children and bills, nothing more, nothing less, and I only communicate via Whatsapp message. He sends me long paragraphs of shite and I send him a thumbs up/ one word or one sentence answers. it means I have control and he no longer does. At the start he tried to do things to get me worked up and provoke a reaction. I just stepped away from the phone (my counsellor said you don;t have to reply straightaway or at all) and now I just laugh if he makes any attempts to provoke me. I do all handovers either at my dad's house or at the school, I don;t talk to him and I don;'t look at him (easier as my kids are older).

He has been gone 18 months. It took me only 5 months after he left to decide that you don;t abuse people you truly love - it isn't love at all. I spent 12 months getting to know me, healing me and being happy on my own - now I'm trying to date.

Sorry this is very long but hopefully something here from my experience helps you. You can do it and you are doing the right thing. Stay strong

Hand holding - you are doing the right thing for the right reasons.

Take passport, driving license, any certificates, medical paperwork if you can find
Any irreplaceable mementoes, Photographs & jewellery
Favourite clothes that make you feel fabulous
Phone/laptop

Anything else can be got later, bought or borrowed

The most important things you are taking with you are freedom, a new life and self-respect and he cannot take those away

Stay strong OP.. look at your baby boy and know that by leaving this man you are going to give him a better life and to grow up knowing that his father behaviour is not acceptable.

It will be hard but you will be FREE

I hope you have left if not remember clothes for yourself. I left and forgot about myself . Pack like you are going on holidays with plenty unwear , toothbrushes .

Take what paperwork you can find . Nii. No if you can find it and his for cms.

Stay strong OP you will be fine and your DS will have a happier life.

Your ex will be fine too in the long run, you have nothing to feel guilty for, he has brought this situation about by abusing you.

You are brave and strong and you can do this.

Please come back and update us when you can

As someone whose mother once did just what you are doing now, I can tell you that you're doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your son.
Stay strong, one step at a time.

Everything for my mortgage is paperless. Could yours be the same?

Everything @jackstini and @Starlight456 said and don't forget to take phone/laptop chargers etc too. Try and find some of his payslips if possible.

Don't forget login details for online banking.

Take some toys for DS.

Apart from the paperwork, just take what you need to get you and DS through the next few days.

Please let us know when you are out and safe. Best of luck.

Just sorting out final bits then leaving... my son is asleep. He's so lovely. I'm such a mess...

There is life after abuse, there is. A good one. scotgal has given great advice.

Take care Carlos, you can do this.

I can't find his toy bear that I got him when he was born 😥 I need it...

Just wanted to send you some strength. I had to tell an emotionally abusive man it was over and he had to move out of our home. He accused me of 'breaking up the family' 'never being supportive' etc. I felt guilty but it wasn't fair on my dcs to be in that atmosphere. Unfortunately I ended up with someone even more abusive for 3 years. It took me about a year to finally sever ties. It had got to the point I was so scared I was barricading up the front door with anything I could find and I used to jump at anyone knocking on the door. I had to go completely NC with that one (we didn't have kids together). I know how hard it can be and how guilty you can feel but you can do this!

I'm so glad I did. I'm now with a really nice dp who has shown me that their behaviour wasn't normal and I didn't deserve it. I'm happier and so are my dcs. I've even got a new baby!

Your ex will probably try every ploy going but remember what he did and this is what they do. Call woman's aid if you need support. Think about your ds, you're doing it for him too. I too kept 'abusive emails' my ex had sent me in a separate folder and any time I needed reminding I'd have a quick look. I used to keep them too in case anything happened to me and I'd need proof of his behaviour 😟I haven't read them for a while but they are truly vile, threats to kill me and hurt my children. I'm so glad he is out of my life and I want you to be free too.

@CarlosCarlos did you find the teddy? I hope so but even if you didn't you are a great mum doing the best thing for her baby! Give yourself enough time to leave and be safe before he is due home. You've got this! We're all here and thinking of you xx

@CaseofEllen I can't find it. It's gone. I have no idea where it is :( it was his first teddy. They still sell the same one but it's not the same...

Please make sure you are gone and safe before he is due to come home Carlos.

Don't worry too much about the teddy, I know it's a keepsake and manes a lot to you, but the main thing is getting you and DS out and away before he comes home.

If he cares about his son as you say he does, he will find it at a later date when the dust settles. Take care.

*means