Leaving abusive relationship tomorrow

[CarlosCarlos]

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've had to come home and act like everything is normal in order to get my documents and leave tomorrow when he is at work. He's playing with DS. It's a horrible feeling. He seems such a lovely dad in this moment. I'm going to tear his world apart. Women's aid said its common to feel like this. That the guilt isn't forever. But it feels like it will be.

They've advised me to leave a letter in the morning.

I feel like I'm being so deceptive by acting like things are okay.

Please keep me company.

He's trying to reel you back in because he senses you have detached. Hang in there.

Totally get why you're feeling bad. You sound like a really good person, the fact you still want to do right by someone who you're aware is abusing you says it all. But remember that, he's abusing you.

Of all people I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this. Stay strong and let him work out his own issues, he's an adult xx

Oh wow, I had this too.

I'd left him. I'd spelled it out and he pretended he'd heard me, but then when I wouldn't go on the holiday with him, he got angry (all over again) that the money was wasted!

But look, there will never be a perfect time to leave. There is always going to be something planned that is awkward to get out of, and that's because of the nature of the WAY you have to leave! If he were a normal man who would let you leave you could wind things down, he'd help you pack up your stuff, he'd have HEARD you when you told him you weren't happy (and I bet you have tried repeatedly to tell him he doesn't treat you like you'd like to be treated).

So the holiday doesn't happen. I"ve known loads of people who've missed a holiday. They all seemed to get over it without too much anger.

I know it seems unfathomable when you're in the eye of the storm though.

You have made a very big and very brave decision. Be strong. You CAN do this. Try and think about all of the reasons you came to this decision in the first place. Good luck

Yes, it's precisely the fact that you're a good person that has you in this situation with him. Empaths and narcissists.

The human magnets.

xxxx

Stay strong.

Oh my god. It's my last night in my home. I didn't even think about that...

This is the best decision you will EVER make. Next week it’s 2 years since I left my abuser. Freedom feels awesome believe me.

So true. As another friend (that I made on here!) said to me freedom never loses its gloss and she is right. When I was broke and at various crossroads I was still able to enjoy the simple things that he spoiled if yswim.

And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

A life worth living.

I have no idea what to write in this letter. I'm playing him reading it and sobbing over and over in my head.

I left my abuser on the fourth of JUly! Coincidence. I'm not American. But it is my independence day. I celebrate it. I buy myself something every year on the fourth of July! I used to go to an art gallery or something when the kids were smaller, just to make sure I marked it. So I had the counter in my head, five years free, six years free. Obviously as time goes by you even forget it on the date itself some years which is healthy.

13 February sounds like a good day to be free!

I left abusive ex.

I will say the one thing I can see from your post is you feel responsible for how he feels you aren’t.

It may not feel suddenly better . One big thing that reinforced I did the right thing my Ds 1 st night in refuge seemed to physically relax and had the best nights sleep he ever had. He was a baby but sensed it all.

Tomorrow is the next chapter

Keep it simple @carloscarlos

Don't try to make him understand.

Say things that can't be '''argued with''.

ie, This isn't working for me so I am ending the relationship.

That will sound cold but keep it as factual as you can.

Letter I would be brief. Tell him enough not to worry write too much he will twist it and turn it against you.

It seems so cold doing it by letter. I feel like this will just piss him off.

He won't sob he'll be angry that his skivy has escaped.

ps, he will feel self-pity, he will feel loss of control, the loss of control will unsettle him, your departure will inconvenience him and confuse him and make him indignant,. HE ought to be the one who decides if the relationship is over goddammit not you. But he won't be feeling 'sadness' in the way that you or I or the women on this thread understand.

Stop it, you wouldn't be leaving if he was a good man.

@randommess, I agree, Anger, outrage, indignation.. That's what they feel. He will GUILT you with his ''sadness'' though

I'm starting to feel panicky now...

@carloscarlos, stop, the letter is the advice of women's aid.

I did it with a letter as well. althoguh I see now my letter was too long.

Write that you're miserable in the relationship so it cannot be right for both of you if one of you is this miserable.

Keep it short and simple and don't ask for his blessing or approval.
He will be angry no matter WHAT you do.

Stay safe. A letter seems like a respectful way to communicate in this day and age of twitter and whatsapps.

Carlos. The body cannot tell the difference between terror and excitement.

IN evolutionary terms we're wired to resist change and stick with the devil we know even if the devil is a devil and freedom is only a mile away.

I have to go now as I have to be up early but I will check in tomorrow and I would love to see you check in and let us know that you have safely gone.

xx

You can do this, you need to, for your sanity, security and welfare

Keep the letter short and don't apologise

Do read back over your old threads and imagine going through that crap for the rest of your life. Appealing? No.

What you are doing is right
Be strong

@Pomello thank you so much for your help x

Stay strong, you know you need to do this.