Leaving abusive relationship tomorrow

[CarlosCarlos]

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've had to come home and act like everything is normal in order to get my documents and leave tomorrow when he is at work. He's playing with DS. It's a horrible feeling. He seems such a lovely dad in this moment. I'm going to tear his world apart. Women's aid said its common to feel like this. That the guilt isn't forever. But it feels like it will be.

They've advised me to leave a letter in the morning.

I feel like I'm being so deceptive by acting like things are okay.

Please keep me company.

Well done brave lady. I hope you are ok.

I left an abuser by leaving him a note and just leaving one day. I had all my worldly goods in a suitcase and a hold-all. I felt like an absolute shit but I believed it was the safest way. And it was.

It was easier because we didn’t have children but still a hard thing to do.

You have been incredibly brave, you’ve got this. Turn off your phone for now and know that you have given you and your child a better life. It may not feel like that now but you really really have.

You have done a really brave thing op, and the best thing you could have possibly done for yourself and your child.

He's sending messages saying how sorry he is and how he can change and how devastated he is. I feel vile. I can't turn my phone off I feel so, so bad.

Just think he didn't feel bad when he was abusing you. Don't feel bad about him. Stay strong!! Of course he's apologising and grovelling it's what they do when they feel they are losing control!!

His txts will change dramatically soon op
I'd turn your phone off if I were you just while your still so shaken about it.

Please don't feel bad @CarlosCarlos he's saying these things because he can see how strong you've been! Don't let him get into your head xx

This is killing me

Is your friend home op?

Pls put your phone down and ignore the messages. Don't even open them.

Can you pass your phone to your friend if you don't feel able to turn it off?

Regardless of his actions I have still turned his world upside down. He's now a single dad to two children from two different women. He's devastated. I'm not going back but I need to relieve this guilt. I can't eat, I can't drink, and I don't think I will sleep. I have a 4 month old to look after and I'm breast feeding. I can't help how ifeel. The guilt is tearing me apart.

He ought to feel devastated. This is his fault. You have put your son first and that was right.

He had learnt nothing from first time around, his DD is scared of him...

He should be the one feeling awful, do not go back, he will not change.

His actions have led to this. Your actions today and bravery are protecting you and your child.

I’ve done what you’ve just done. Last September I moved out when he was at work. I got to my new flat and went into panic mode. I felt sick and was crying because I was convinced I’d done the wrong thing by leaving.

He was telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me.

I lasted eight weeks and went back. Almost immediately he started blaming me for leaving, saying I was a liar (because I’d moved out without telling him), and other delightful stuff, like I was boring and weak and pathetic. I knew almost immediately I had made a mistake in going back. So last week I moved back into my rented flat which I had kept on just in case.

I still feel panicky and upset but I’ve just got to let the feeling pass. It felt wrong being with him and it feels wrong without him. The bonus of being without him is I feel I can breathe and I’m not being emotionally abused in my own home.

It’s going to be really really hard, I’m not going to lie. But give it time. I didn’t do that and going back was really silly of me. They don’t change. They just develop new tools to suck you back in and then when you go back they are horrible all over again. Only it feels worse this time because this time you know that you chose it. Good luck

2 years on from my abusive relationship and it's amazing the little things that showcase how trained I was to accept the abuse.

The most telling was on Christmas Eve when my new partner asked me to pass the Quality Street and I started to quote the rule that no Christmas candy can be eaten until after midnight officially Christmas day....

I had to stop and realize that I'm an adult, I can open what ever food I want in my own house and don't need anyone's permission. I no longer have to follow a laundry list of crazy rules to keep the abuser happy.

At the moment you are focused on him but he is love bombing you and will make promises and manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. Soon you will feel his wrath at standing up to him and the threats will start.

Stay strong as this is the toughest stretch and once you start making decisions on what kind of life you want for you and your child, you will stop focusing on his wants and accept that you are important.

Write a list of all the bad things he has said and done to you. Keep it on you and when you feel yourself wavering look at the list!

You have done an amazing thing. You have taken yourself and your son to safety. To somewhere where you don’t have to walk on eggshells, wondering what wil got wrong next. Somewhere that you are safe to be you, where you don’t have to worry about your son picking up the vibes of an abusive relationship.

Turn off your phone, give it to your friend for safe keeping. Watch some stupid TV, eat some comfort food, have a hot, strong cup of tea.

You are strong, you can do this, you will get through this.

Is your friend there OP? You need to ask them to help you by supporting you to detach from him, not checking messages tonight, keeping thinking about the positives of this decision.

Get a new phone and number tomoro and throw away your old SIM card. Be the adult now and look after your needs first and your baby's.

I am going to repeat what I said earlier in this thread.

You are conditioned to feel responsible for how he feels you are not !!!!!

You are continuing to torture yourself by reading his messages . You are allowed to have a break.

Also do force some food and drink down you if only so you can produce milk.

You have took a huge step in yours and your son’s happiness

I can't do this I feel too bad. The guilt is worse than being unhappy. I'm fallling apart.

You can do this. You've had years of conditioning. I'm only repeating the advice I've received here and I am A TONNE WEIGHT BETTER. You are not alone.

You can do this. 15 min. at a time! You have to stay away and get yourself some counselling so you get stronger and don't give in to his lies; because they are lies. He will only reel you in ; he won't change. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time!! He's shown you so clearly who he is!!

Please turn off the phone. Completely . Or give it to your friend, so if he does threaten something she can handle it for you. Think about it: someone who makes threats is not a safe parent for your children or good partner for you. You deserve and need someone stable.

Why is your phone on? Really why? Is it for your benefit? If you are using it for Mumsnet fine. But block his number at least for this evening.

@carloscarolos, it's not real guilt though, it's programming. It's a distortion. You've been trained to feel his emotions more than you feel your own.

You can emerge from this. You will have freedom in your head in time, you will. I promise you. But you have to start somewhere. The first few weeks are hard.

But detachment is possible. Talk to us. I remember how excruciatingly awful I found it. It is AWFUL. You have been trained to only feel at peace when he gives you his blessing or approval so now you're seeking that. You must resist that urge. Sit with the discomfort. And I know it's real. It's really uncomfortable. I remember.

Please go through this. Endure it. Don't turn back now.

The excruciating awkwardness does pass but if you stayed with him you just get more and more ground down with every passing year until there's nothing left.

stay strong