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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving abusive relationship tomorrow

183 replies

CarlosCarlos · 12/02/2019 21:01

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I've had to come home and act like everything is normal in order to get my documents and leave tomorrow when he is at work. He's playing with DS. It's a horrible feeling. He seems such a lovely dad in this moment. I'm going to tear his world apart. Women's aid said its common to feel like this. That the guilt isn't forever. But it feels like it will be.

They've advised me to leave a letter in the morning.

I feel like I'm being so deceptive by acting like things are okay.

Please keep me company.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2019 20:45

Turn your phone off and stop reading his self pity...

Pomello · 13/02/2019 20:45

Please turn off your phone.

I remember my mother begging me to turn off my phone.

She was right. I should have.

Pomello · 13/02/2019 20:48

Why do his emotions trump yours? They DON'T. I know it feels like they do but they don't. You owe it to yourself to 'honour yourself'.

People leave relationships because they're not feeling it. He was abusive!

jackstini · 13/02/2019 20:50

You can do it and you need to
Take every minute at a time
Feed your beautiful son and remember the reasons you have left

Look at those words: you have left..
You've done it CarlosCarlos!!!

FionaFries · 13/02/2019 20:59

You need to do this. You have done the right thing, believe me. I left an abusive ex 25 years ago, I had suffered a head injury, broken ribs and a broken wrist. I wished I had left earlier.
Eventually I met my lovely dh. I'm so happy now.
Please be strong, your son will benefit so much from you leaving, I can tell you this, my son is loving, caring, living with his gf.
Please think of your child, be strong for him. Stop it Flowers

Sunnydays78 · 13/02/2019 21:02

Op you need to get a note pad and start writing down everything he would say or do to you. Every time you feel a wobble read it.
Leaving isn’t the hardest part staying strong and standing by your decision is!
He will trying absolutely everything to get you to go back. You need that note pad to remember. Things get muddled in your mind and I really couldn’t remember half of it. Good luck stay strong x

Hidingtonothing · 13/02/2019 21:15

This is his training of you kicking in OP, he has taught you to put his feelings before your own and that's exactly what you're doing. In the coming days and weeks you will have to learn a completely new way of being where you don't have to think about what he wants or how he feels, you do what you want. But you can't do that in a few hours, it will take time to learn the new way and tonight you just need to stop, breathe, just be.

And you can't do that while you're reading his messages, everyone is telling you to switch off or block for a reason, it's what you need to do, or everything you've done today will have been for nothing. Taking that time for you, switching off from him for the first time in forever, is the first step to where you want to go, you just have to be brave and take it.

Otherwise you wake up tomorrow no further forward and knowing that you still have that huge first step to take. Do it now, get it over with and wake tomorrow knowing that you're on your way Flowers

wheresthehope · 13/02/2019 21:17

Your stronger than you think!
You CAN do this [ flowers]

wheresthehope · 13/02/2019 21:17

whoops Flowers

Kittykat93 · 13/02/2019 21:21

Imagine 5,10 years from now. You have a lovely, kind supportive partner who you feel truly happy and safe with. You and your child have a good life. This could be you, but not if you go back to that arsehole. Please don't op. Just don't.

Greenmum2019 · 13/02/2019 21:49

Use this post to channel your strength..... Write us all a list of all the reasons you have gone. Every single one.... Just let it flow.... Then read them back again and again and again.

Tell yourself that your emotions right now are not your true feelings, they are conditioned responses from him to control you to please him

XXXXX

rvby · 13/02/2019 22:09

You are in FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. These are tools to keep you close to this man. Hes used them on you, they're working. That's why it feels bad.

You have to hear this: your feelings are temporary. They will pass. Your job is to let them happen and eventually they will pass you by.

If you can allow the feelings to pass, its your DS who will benefit.

If you give in to the feelings, it's your DS who will suffer.

Guilt is massively self indulgent. How you feel isnt important, it really isnt. What's important is your son learning what love is, by watching his mum NOT being emotionally abused x

scotgal2017 · 13/02/2019 22:11

The abuser usually tends to play the victim, claim you were abusive too or downplay the severity of what they did so that they look like the nice guy (especially as you are leaving him, be prepared for this).

OP this is what he is doing now. He knows you and he'll know that you will be feeling guilty, so he will play on that to get you to go back to him. You are one strong woman and mother for having left now instead of years down the line when it will affect you and your DS even more. Please stay strong, as many have suggested turn your phone off and let yourself breathe, think and process everything you need to. Think about you, your needs, your son's needs, not your ex - he is not your priority now.

Flowers
Starlight456 · 13/02/2019 22:17

Op . What do you hope for for you and your Ds for the future?

TiReDmUmone · 13/02/2019 22:32

The guilt is not worse than being unhappy for the rest of your life I left someone who was abusive and they are very good at manipulation
The I'm sorry I'll change nope it is very unlikely to happen long term
The I'm sorry and being nice will turn to anger and true colours will come out when he realises he's not getting what he wants and if you were to go back this will likely be thrown in your face
You have to stay strong because you deserve so much better and once you start to feel what it's like to not feel constant anxiety of abuse you will be able to breathe and you will become strong
You will look back on this day and you will thank yourself you did this for you and your DS

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/02/2019 09:20

Good morning @CarlosCarlos.

How are you? Did you get any sleep?

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 14/02/2019 15:13

I'm ok but just realised my son needs his jabs. Ugh.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 14/02/2019 16:02

It just shows he knew he was abusing you by saying he'll change.

Well done.

SpanielEars070 · 14/02/2019 16:25

You just need to find a new surgery to register at OP. A few weeks won't make a massive difference, my DD is always getting appointments changed... hers went at least 6 weeks in between each set last time.

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/02/2019 16:40

The mantra you need is ‘he has done this to himself’ pretty much the last thing I said to my ex monster ‘you did this to yourself’

Your guilt is misplaced- he is the architect of his own misfortune.

Go enjoy your life, believe me, the sun will come out again soon for you and you will bask in it.

louisejanep · 14/02/2019 21:30

Hi Carlos,

I left an emotionally abusive relationship just before Christmas we were together 10 years and have a 3 yr old DD. The lovely people of mumsnet helped me leave, I use to lock myself in bathroom run a bath and just read everyones replies to my post. It really helped me see him in a true light.

For about a month I was consumed with so much guilt, I would burst into tears on the school run because I would imagine him waking up on his own. And for a month that killed me. I am still healing now but wow the difference I feel is remarkable! I never ever imagined I could feel happy and look forward to the future.

I feel like I am getting to know myself again, and it’s a very strange feeling at first. But for my whole adult life I didn’t make decisions, everything was his way or the highway. And it is liberating (and daunting at first). I have started seeing a councillor, I’m still not great at talking but I talk to a lot more people about the situation. Everyone keeps saying you will meet somebody, but I honestly don’t want to, I am happy with finding myself and knowing what makes me happy. It’s an interesting journey but once you’ve made the first huge step of leaving you won’t want to undue all your hard work. Good luck. Feel free to message me if you want to chat x

Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 18/02/2019 16:43

Things I need to sort...

  • Where I'm going to live long term.
  • How to release money from joint mortgage
  • How to move forwards regarding the extreme guilt I'm feeling (this is the worst bit)
  • How to ensure he doesn't try and get overnight custody of my bf baby

Can anyone advise? 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 18/02/2019 16:46

@louisejanep thank you.

That guilt is what I am terrified of. He now has 2 kids from 2 different women to sort custody with. The closest I would consider living is 60 miles away.

Did he accept things? Or try and make you feel guilty? I can't message you as only have the app and can't remember the email address I used 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
CarlosCarlos · 18/02/2019 18:04

Bumping my last post...

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 18/02/2019 18:23

The best thing you can do is contact a solicitor for free 30 minute appointment .

Re guilt give yourself time. We have all told you there is no need to feel guilty . It isn’t rational . Just know it will feel different in time

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