I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

Can you ring the restaurant and take a query about the booking?

‘Hi I’m just double checking I booked correctly, how many people is it for?’

Least then you’ll know if it’s more likely a date than a work outing?

Could the lunch be to do with work?

I would also phone to “check” the booking-& yes to turning up when he’s there. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit.

No, the booking wouldn't be work related. I can't say what his business it would be too outting.

Good idea on calling the restaurant, I can't call today because we're both at home. I'll call tomorrow while I'm at work.

If you must snoop then things are in dire straits indeed, and if he finds out that you've snooped and it turns out all to be innocent, then there may be irreparable damage done. That said, here are some tips:

Print a photo of his face and show it to the phone to unlock it? Face unlock devices have another unlock method as a backup in case of low light etc, you may be able to figure out what it is.

Check his location history on Google maps, if you can get into his account on a pc this is fairly easy if he is signed into google. It's called "timeline" and you can check his whereabouts on any suspicious days.

Check the mileage on his car and see if he's racking up more travel than his usual routine would suggest.

Oh I’m so sorry to read this. I think going to the restaurant (subtly) is the only way to be sure.

Maybe think what you would do if he is meeting another woman? Have you got anyone you could see after? The thought of going back to work after that sounds really difficult so give that some thought.

As for today, try and keep busy so you don’t say anything to him. I’d find this hard to contain and you don’t want to risk telling him as it’ll give him chance to cover any tracks.

Good luck, I really hope it isn’t what it seems x

Ring the restaurant and ask for another place setting? Nothing says I love you more than an empty place setting for the wife.

I second checking with the restaurant to clarify how many the bookings for, if its for 2 I would probably change it to 3 and book the 14th off work or go sick, leave home the usual time and wait till the time the meals booked and turn up and say “surprise” and sit down and say “ what are we all having”?

The look on his face would be priceless and if it is another woman you can introduce yourself and ask her some questions and watch him squirm.

Could it be his mother? Friend? Someone completely innocent?

Is there a way you can get away from work for an hour to scope out the restaurant when he is supposed to be there?

Is it the kind of restaurant you would book for valentines?

I'm going to find an excuse to go to the shops by myself this afternoon and I'll call the restaurant and double check the booking.

He's never gone out to lunch with his mum and she doesn't live close by. If it was a friend, he would have told me, he's met up for lunch with female work colleagues before and I've never had an issue because he's always told me and he's not saying a word this time which is why I'm so suspicious.

I agree I'd probably go but what if it is innocent and he sees you?

FWIW, with face recognition, after 2 tries, it lets you input your passcode. If you choose to go down that route.

I hope it's a misunderstanding for your sake.

Don't panic as of yet.he could have booked it before he realised you were working. Men forget to cancel things

Or could he have organised it secretly with your work?

I would be very careful with this. If you show up at the restaurant and it is perfectly innocent it would be really embarrassing

Oh dear OP, I'm sorry to say it dies sound a but suspicious but perhaps he's booked it for you forgetting that you will be at work?

I know I would be like a dog with a bone though so I'd be trying to unlock that phone either using a photo or when he's sleeping if that would work?? And yes to PPs suggestions of surreptitiously watching the restaurant. I really hope uts nothing lovely

This must be like torture for you :-/

It sounds suspicious but as others have said, there is a small chance he's booked it for you both without realising you're working?

If you do go, I think you should make sure you're not seen at all.

Was the male sex toy one he would use with a partner and not solo?

Want me to ring the restaurant for you? Lol

I’m not sure what calling the restaurant will achieve. You know what’s going on here.

What if the restaurant call him back to clarify your clarification?

Going to the restaurant on Thursday is the only thing to do. Surprise them, or just take a photo as evidence, whatever suits you.

In the meantime sort stuff out like, a solicitor, money moved into your sole name, arrange for keys to be changed Thursday morning and have his bags packed ready for him.

Get real people!!!!

He hasn’t forgotten she’s working!! It’s not innocent

I can arrange to have an extra long lunch or have the afternoon off to scope the restaurant/go in and sit somewhere out of sight.

It is the kind of restaurant you might want to go to for Valentine's Day...think Prezzo, Bella Italia type restaurant.

I hope to god he's got his days wrong and made a mistake but I'm still suspicious. For one, we've never gone to this restaurant and we wouldn't go to this town as the ones we go to together are closer to home. He may well want to do something different but he's a creature of habit hence my concerns.

I will definitely be calling this afternoon and will update.

Thanks ladies

I have been through this situation. I found text messages from my (ex) husband arranging to meet a girl on the evening he was supposed to be going to a friends party and to stay over. I turned up where he was picking her up in a cab, followed them to a bar and then followed them to a restaurant, incidentally one he had taken me to for an anniversary dinner.

I kept looking in the window at them, luckily they had their backs to me, and when they had ordered I walked in very calmly and said hello, asked her if she knew he was married and asked to see his left hand. He just gawped at me and produced a left hand with no wedding ring. That gave me my answer. I did take a friend who was also able to keep a look out for me too.

My advice would be to turn up at the restaurant and position yourself so that you cannot be seen by him and watch for a bit. If it's just friends you will be able to tell. If not equally you will know but be warned if you do something like this you will have no choice but to face the consequences. It was the best thing I ever did because afterwards he told lie after lie about how it was all innocent and had I not seen it with my own eyes I would have wanted to have believed him. If you can't go yourself maybe a private investigator could do it for you.

I suppose it could be innocent and it depends on your personality but I wanted to know. If you ask him before he goes he will be able to deny it, make an excuse etc. I suppose my advice would be to think very carefully about what you want out of this situation yourself before you proceed.

I hope it's nothing OP. Hugs to you. X

Agree with other posters, you can only find out by going there to see what’s going on on the day!

Its does sound suspicious, i wouldn't meet an AP near my own town.