Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

247 replies

LilacDaisyChain · 10/02/2019 09:48

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 10/02/2019 19:08

If you can get a copy of the sex toy order you can ask for an explanation when you visit the restaurant before tipping there food over there heads.... the cheating fuckers.

Uptheshard · 10/02/2019 19:15

Oh lord.. the wait til Thursday would kill me.!

MinniesMum1606 · 10/02/2019 19:25

I hope it’s all innocent and it could be, let’s all get back here on Thursday afternoon and we’ll find out.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 10/02/2019 21:01

You know him so you will be able to tell if he is lying

Hahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry but that's just not true, as many many women on here can testify when they've been driven to the edge of madness by lying, gaslighting, cheating bastards who would swear on the lives of their children that nothing is going on ...

Crystalintheeyes · 10/02/2019 21:50

Hope it’s for you op and he’s mixed up

RiversDisguise · 10/02/2019 22:00

Fingers crossed he is planning a lovely surprise for you.

tartantroosers · 10/02/2019 22:05

Have there been any other examples of suspicious behaviour recently which could be a clue (apart from the toy)? New colleagues or "mentionitiis "?

ivegotthisyeah · 10/02/2019 22:05

Go to the restaurant you'll need to for piece of mind. I did and sooo glad it did it was the missing piece I needed xx

ChakiraChakra · 10/02/2019 22:16

Suggest a new sex toy for v day to spice up your love life and ask what type he might like to use with you?

youaremyrain · 10/02/2019 22:27

Keep your powder dry

DBML · 10/02/2019 22:34

I’m another one with fingers crossed that this is a big surprise for you 🤞

SandyY2K · 10/02/2019 23:27

I'd not involve anyone else, but would find my way to the restaurant and watch out for him.

I'd wait and see if it's just lunch or if there's any physical contact between them.

Dinner on its own can be explained. You'll need nerves of steel, but I actually wouldn't confront at the restaurant.

I'd wait till he got home and ask what he did for lunch. If I didn't get the truth... as on he was out with a woman... I'd tell him he has one chance to come clean and tell you what's going on because you know he's lying.

I'd be deadly serious and tell him the future of the marriage is hinging on the truth.

Janaus1956 · 11/02/2019 00:04

Can you suggest trying to change your work days, so you will be free on the 14th, And ask him if he would like to go to lunch with you that day. Watch his reaction.

Blondebakingmumma · 11/02/2019 06:29

I think you have the right idea to show up to the restaurant and see with your own eyes. The body language will tell you if he is having an innocent meal with a friend or if it’s something more.

Completelyfine · 11/02/2019 06:37

Why don’t you say something like, I was thinking of taking the 14th off instead so we can go out, what do you think? See what he says.

ZenNudist · 11/02/2019 06:57

Just ask him what hes doing Thursday. See if he mentions lunch. Of hes really cagey then maybe go check restaurant.

snitzelvoncrumb · 11/02/2019 06:58

I hope you are ok op xx

Original poster
LilacDaisyChain · 11/02/2019 07:09

Morning everyone.

I'm doing ok. Never before have I wanted to get to work so quickly on a Monday morning! I'm going to check my team diary and see if I'm scheduled to be on AL on Thursday and go from there.

I'm praying for a mix up and can have my arse handed back to me on a plate by MN!

OP posts:
DoctorDread · 11/02/2019 07:24

It does t look great OP but I too am hoping it's a fumbled surprise. Keeping everything crossed for you.

citysmog · 11/02/2019 07:30

What about the booking you were going to make for 13th- are you still going ahead with that?

TheHobbitMum · 11/02/2019 07:33

Sorry OP it's not looking great for him. I think you have to go to the restaurant to know for sure what is going on.i do sincerely hope its an innocent reason and nothing untoward is happening

Completelyfine · 11/02/2019 07:36

He’s got a busy week, entertaining two women for valentine’s.

MissMacaron · 11/02/2019 08:02

Have you mentioned to him doing something to celebrate on the Wednesday? If you do and it's a misunderstanding he's likely to say 'oh I booked something on Thursday forgetting you were working'. Has HE suggested any Valentine's thing for you to do together?

Capricornandproud · 11/02/2019 08:13

SandyY2K very wise advice. It would take every ounce of strength I had but you’re exactly right. There is nothing so truly liberating as watching someone lie to your face.

Although OP, having been on a stake out before things there can be unexpected balls ups like not being able to see INTO the restaurant from the road or street. I personally would be parking up way before or have a friend he didn’t know eating in the restaurant but I’m a devious cow who’s been lied to too many times.

Did you get any sleep love? Is he acting like normal? Any other red flags? Xx

Littleraindrop15 · 11/02/2019 08:20

Hi op

I would turn up at the restaurant sounds really odd he hasn't mentioned it to you..

Hope you stay strong x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.