I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

If I saw an email like that in my husband’s inbox I wouldn’t worry because I know he wouldn’t cheat. Something must be up somewhere that you’ve gone there instead of mix up.

I hope it turns out to be nothing.

If I saw an email like that in my husband’s inbox I wouldn’t worry because I know he wouldn’t cheat

More fool you purpledaisies

I’m not a fool. You don’t know me or my dh. There’s no need to be insulting.

If I saw an email like that in my husband’s inbox I wouldn’t worry because I know he wouldn’t cheat.

Everyone is capable of cheating imo

If I saw an email like that in my husband’s inbox I wouldn’t worry because I know he wouldn’t cheat.

It’s lovely that you trust your husband, and so did I...until he cheated. I don’t think everyone should be mistrusting of their spouses but I will never again assume someone won’t cheat because they’ve never cheated.
I think being blind to the possibility in a situation like this is more dangerous than considering it an option.

I of course hope it isn’t the case though op as having been there, it’s somewhere I wouldn’t wish on anyone x

Anyone can cheat. There has been numerous threads on mn about people with solid relationships, solid family guys, etc, cheating, often a friendship that developsi into an emotional relationship, into something more physical.

I’ve known a couple of men would you never think would leave their wives for other women, but have had affairs.

Since when was it a thing to book restaraunts over email? Am I in the stone ages or something. Surely if it was secretive he'd have just called them....

If I saw an email like that in my husband’s inbox I wouldn’t worry because I know he wouldn’t cheat

@PurpleDaisies I was married for 23 years and trusted my 'D'H implicitly. He cheated and I was oblivious for months. Prior to discovering the affair, I too would have staked my life on him never cheating!

@user1479305498 I checked my STBXH's mobile phone bill, it revealed nothing untoward. All of his and OW's contact were via Whatsapp so can't be tracked!

Yes @S02 it brings it all back as @QatEx so succinctly puts it, it's "gut wrenching".

OP I'm hoping there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

Russell19 Exactly what I thought. OP thought to check his emails to see if he'd booked anywhere yet when she questioned how many booking was for immediately thought to ring.
Why would you leave a trail if you cheated?

Good luck, OP. Hopefully it's all a mix up. But you must go to the restaurant and find out for yourself. You'll regret it if you don't

I'd be inclined not to bother with the booking of the 13th you'll be on edge the whole time wondering.. just wait until Thursday and see if it's a surprise for you or you surprising him! Sadly having been down the cheating husband route myself I don't have much faith but I hope I'm wrong of course and all turns out well. Also where the heck is this sex toy 💁‍♀️

Good point Pink. Where has hehidn’t the toy?

Maybe op should buy a similar toy as a Valentine gift, and see what reaction dh has when he opens it.

I thought it was the done thing to email these days. I would if booking a restaurant.

@pigglywig I did think that about her knowing to look on emails for a reservation... I and most people I know would just call directly but maybe I'm old fashioned haha!

@completelyfine interesting....I wouldn't even think of it but it's an idea for the future!

...

I think you're doing amazingly well OP. I really hope there's a good outcome for you.

@LilacDaisyChain please don't be surprised if it's a man you find him with. My first thought was that is he gay?

imanoldbattleaxe why, because he ordered a sex toy?! You do know straight men enjoy them too, right?!

Poor you OP. I hope it turns out totally innocent but of course you’re suspicious! If you show up to the restaurant just have a friend to speak to after incase it is the worst & don’t feel you have to confront him there & then, do what feels right. Here’s hoping his booker you off work as a surprise & they haven’t put it on the rota incase you see it!

Lots of places allow and encourage you to book online now and they email you a confirmation.

If your husband has face recognition on his phone, could you unlock it using his face whilst he's asleep and have a nose?

I have no idea how it works, so excuse my suggestion if you need eyes open for it to work!

@PurpleDaisies

That's possibly the most naive thing I've ever heard bless you 😂

Op don't say a thing...no hint dropping, nothing.

You will never get the truth out of anybody by asking..When the police want to catch drug dealers so you think they knock on the door and ask them if they are dealing drugs??

The only way is to turn up on the day and even then I wouldn't go in straight away as my gut feeling is that they plan to use said sex toy after the lunch date.

What a sleazy cunt...

It all sounds very upbeat from op considering the circumstances?! ”I’ll check to see if I’m scheduled for AL on Thursday. Surely you would know?

Sounds like a story to me .... sorry.

I did try to post this but hasn't so apologies if this is a double posting!

I have an explanation from H and it's a misunderstanding in my part.

I will try my best to not drag it out because it's long (and a bit boring)

While H and I were making dinner. H asked if I wanted to do something Wednesday as we are both off during the day. He knows I always like doing something little for V day so I couldn't not say anything. I told him I was going to surprise him with lunch.

H replied saying that would be nice and doesn't muck up his plans and he is planning to cook dinner for us on Thursday.

He then carried on talking without any prompting from me that he did make plans for Thursday day but they've been cancelled.

H said he was due to meet an ex-work colleague (male) from the job he resigned from in Jan. H booked the restaurant in this town for two reasons. His work was based in branches in our county, H asked to meet ex-colleague here because a) it's not the main branch as he didn't want to bump into management as they were the reason he left and b) while trying to arrange a get together, ex-colleague told H he was working at this branch for the week (which H also did every now and then so plausible).

Of course I asked H why didn't he think to tell me this yesterday when I asked. He said since being self-employed and not working FT equivalent yet, his days are merging into one another and that he also 'forgot', which, to be fair is pretty typical of him.

I've accepted this answer, he has always been honest with me in the past. However the lack of sex and sex you that I've yet to find (and I've been looking) is still niggling at me.

The sex toy might be a V day present which is why I've yet to find it.

I'm feeling like an idiot at the moment, especially as I've posted this on an open forum for all to read 🤦🏼‍♀️

But I wanted to say thank you for listening, you've all given great advice. And I will not be checking emails anymore as it's caused me two very stressful days for no definitive reasons.

for all who read this whole thread xxx

Why is the lunch with the colleague cancelled?