I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

Sorry to say this but I also have the feeling his "date" cancelled on him and then his "explanation" to the OP followed that. But then I have a somewhat suspicious nature.

I think it all sounds very suspicious. I'd be keeping quiet and trying to find out more.

I’d just like to say that buying/using a male sex you doesn’t make a man gay. And if it’s something like a prostrate massager he might want to keep it to himself out of embarrassment (not that it’s anything to be ashamed of). The stress of the fertility issue might have affected his libido and this could be him trying to get it back.

Having said that, I would be deeply suspicious after finding the original email, it was the electronic trail my husband left that outed him eventually. I’d feel absolutely sick with worry and would speak to him, although the best option is probably to stay silent and observe

Far too much info given - in a panic I suspect. By all means sit back and wait .. see where he goes Thursday, maybe he's changed the venue maybe it was legit but if you have that gut feeling something doesn't add up I'd say keep on your guard.

your husband is gay. sorry

Don't feel mortified op. Trust your gut instinct. It's odd that he suddenly gave such a detailed explanation for Thursday lunch plans changing.

No one books a dinner a deux on Valentines Day unless it's a romantic one do they.

It’s not a dinner. It’s a lunch, on what’s a normal working Thursday for most people.

I'm as suspicious as they come after being the innocent party in an affair but not everyone makes a big deal of valentine's day and not everyone would avoid going out for lunch with anyone other than their partner on valentine's day. I wouldn't even be aware it was v day to be honest as i think it's a pile of crap.

I went to the pub once with my dad for dinner on valentine's Day. Definitely wasn't banging him.

Too much explaining there I think, in these circumstances I don't think he'd have booked a table for lunch with a colleague, possibly he'd meet up then find a restaurant but booking would remind him it was Valentine's Day wouldn't it and that would be weird.

How did it go today?

Hello sorry, I've read all your replies. Thank you.

Well, there definitely is going to be no lunch tomorrow. It's definitely cancelled and he's now going over his Dad's in the day tomorrow to do some work on his business.

Nothing more has been mentioned, no extra details but like PP have said I still have concerns about the sex of lack but I think it's more a case of me being paranoid and maybe too much overthinking. However, I will remain vigilant for the time being.

Thanks for all your help MN

If you signed into his emails from a different device a notification could have sent straight to his phone as a security alert. Just sayin'.

Is he definitley going to his fathers though? A bit weird that he was going to a restaurant without telling you, it’s now cancelled & he’s now going out to visit his dad, would his Dad cover for him if you called the house? Could he be going to meet someone else on route, or post route to/from Dads?

Thinking the same as MinniesMum1606. I would definitely be checking that out, I would follow him.

i would follow at distance and call in on in laws just before lunch time to check if dh is there. If he is say you just thought you'd treat him to Valentines day lunch. If he is not there, you will have your answer.

Good suggestion by Caring. Ie. Use some pre-text to phone in-laws. If he wonders why dh isn’t phoned directly, you can always say you pressed the wrong contact detail by accident. Ie. Was intending to phone dh, but accidentally phone in-laws, as you had them in your mind as you ‘knew’ dh would be there.

If dh wasn’t there, you can always pretend to in-laws that you have your days muddled. Then start seriously snooping....

Hoping everything turns out okay tomorrow. At least you’ll have some answers.

I imagine the OP is feeling very anxious tonight, with ‘checking on hubby’ is just tomorrow, I really hope that it’s all nothing and just a complete misunderstanding though.

Keep us posted xx

Sorry but my gut instinct is telling me he is up to something..

I wonder if he will produce the sex toy tonight?`
I doubt he will though cos i don't think he bought it to use with OP in mind.

I'm invested in this turning out well 😍

Woah there ladies! Why have so many jumped to the conclusion this is a gay relationship the DH is hiding? Men lie- people having affair lie- just because he says he is meeting a male colleague for lunch doesn't mean he actually is! He could be meeting a woman and lying about his meeting?! Those in an affair will come up with anything to buy them time......which is why the sudden change of story to 'I am going to my dads' on the same day he had booked lunch....hm, to coincidental. Sorry OP, there is a lot of red flags in this story. Unless your FIL can confirm DH was there at the times he said he was, I think you have you accept there is a very real chance this is an affair. Please don't bury your head in the sand- there are big red flags being waved. Please listen to your gut and not your H. xx

OP did you call your FILs house then? I wouldn’t take ‘yes he was here’ from the FIL as confirmation that he was there, I would have wanted to speak to him there and I would have called every half an hour to talk with hubby so that he wouldn’t be able to go out anywhere without a damn good reason as to why, etc, etc.

What a coincidence that now the lunch is cancelled, DH is going round to his father's. I'm going with caring's suggestion.Thinking of you, OP.