I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

If you don't have a friend that you can ask to scope out the restaurant for you, I bet someone on here would do it, if you post the county that you are in.

No don't do that. It's stalkery. Remember, we don't know who OP is. If they are a suspicious wife they can sort it out themselves or with friends/family who know them.

Tell him you've arranged an extended lunch break on 14th so you can have lunch with him...see what his reaction is.

Getting a friend to go along is a go idea. I had two good friends who would go, however, the first works FT and nowhere near this town and my other friend who is a SAHP is on holiday.

I could maybe ask my sister but don't really want to get family involved at this stage.

So that means I'm either going to have to ask him beforehand or go to the restaurant myself on the day.

I think before I make a decision, I'll do some more digging and see if there's anything else I can find.

Thanks again for all your advice xxx

It does sound a bit suspicious.

I think asking him beforehand will give him a chance to wriggle out of you finding out. If he really is carrying on an affair then it sounds like he is a good liar. He could easily just apologise to OW/tell her what's up if she knows about you, then take you instead (!)

If you ask him before or mention the restaurant or anything like that he'll cancel it and you will never find out. I would go along and see for myself who he is with. Definitely have a look around for any other evidence and keep it to yourself for now.

Hope you get to the bottom of it op

Can you arrange a longer lunch from work, and book a nearby restaurant. Then say you've checked his dairy and booked the restaurant for lunch

I think that turning up is the best way. First, check that the reservation is indeed for two.

Ok. I've just got off the phone to the restaurant and 'double checked' my booking. It's for 2 people.

As I can't find any evidence at home (I don't know his passcode for his phone and I can't guess too many times otherwise it locks for a few minutes and notifies the owner).

I'm going to rule out any misunderstanding on my side first. Tomorrow, I'll check the my team's work diary and see if I'm on annual leave for the afternoon or long lunch etc. I'll also ask my team leader if my H has tried to contact them asking if I can have time off.

I will keep casually mentioning about his plans for the week to see if he reveals anything.

If I'm not scheduled to be off work and he carries on being secretive, I will go to the restaurant on Thursday and will find out the answer for myself.

Oh love... I’m so sorry you’ve found this. As you have access to his emails I would go through everything with a fine toothed comb - send and deleted emails if you haven’t already. You might find more or some other pointers. I’d also search high and low for the sex toy because if it’s not at home then where the hell is it?

I know it’ll be excruciating but please wait until Thursday. Catching a man red handed is the only way you’ll ever know the truth. I hope its a complete surprise for you but its not looking good OP. Sending you huge hugs, loads or resolve and patience until then xx

I'll also ask my team leader if my H has tried to contact them asking if I can have time off
Don't do this. Don't involve your work colleagues in yourt private business.
It's so awkward and embarassing either way.

Just go and see who he's with for yourself.

That's awful. And on Valentine's day too.

will keep casually mentioning about his plans for the week to see if he reveals anything.

Don’t run the risk of him knowing you’re in to him and cancelling his plans. Then you’ll never know for sure.

Ask him in the morning, before he has time to think you’re on to him.

I'd keep your team leader out of it tbh unless (s)he is super discreet. Gossip is not what you want.

Bella Italia or Prezzo type place on valentines's day?

Surely he's not going on a date there, you'd make more effort than that surely?

Fiddie she already made it clear that she considers this to be a nice date place, so he probably agrees

Could the sex toy be something for Valentine's Day? Maybe he's trying to do something nice with a surprise meal, obviously it could be he's cheating but be careful not to ruin your relationship without proof

Aww no. Fingers crossed it’s just a miss understanding.

Q

Ah I must have missed that @dellacucina.

I still think it's unlikely though on that basis alone.

I think he's forgotten she's working or has arranged time off for her if it's where she'd like to go.

Hope it works out ok OP.

Don't let him have any idea that you are suspicious. Behave as normally as you possibly can which will be a strain. Then you can catch him completely unawares at the restaurant. Good idea to have moral support if possible

Can you ask your DH what day you guys are doing something for valentines since you're working the actual day? That might clue him in if it's an honest mixup. If he comes back with "the 13th obviously" you probably have your answer.

Fingers crossed it’s a mix up it a surprise for you OP

You only need to walk by and see him. I’d not be letting this go OP.