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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

247 replies

LilacDaisyChain · 10/02/2019 09:48

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

OP posts:
thepinkp · 10/02/2019 11:14

Book yourself a table and just pretend you happened to be there.

MyFootHurts · 10/02/2019 11:14

Maybe he organised it for you as a surprise and he's checked with your work etc. If you think that might be it, then you need to be in work for his plan to succeed (and it would be a lovely thing for him to do). If he turns up at your workplace to surprise you, and you're not there ('cos you're lying in wait in the restaurant, then you have seriously damaged your relationship... What on earth could you tell him then?

However, you also need to know who he's meeting if is not you. Have you got a friend you trust that could check out the restaurant for you? It might be good if they went over for a quick chat, then he'd have to explain/introduce his 'friend'.

SherlockHolmes · 10/02/2019 11:17

Sorry to hear this OP. Do you think he's forgotten that you're working, or has arranged for you to have a long lunch break? The sex toy thing is a bit odd, but could just be that he needs something if your sex life is a bit lacking at the moment.

Don't jump to conclusions too quickly.

As far as checking his phone goes. I would be very careful. Mine automatically sends me an email with a photo if someone attempts to unlock it, so you would need a very good excuse if he knows you've done it.

I hope he's not having an affair, best of luck.

Maelstrop · 10/02/2019 11:35

A male sex toy? As in something he might use alone or with a male partner?

SheeshazAZ09 · 10/02/2019 11:42

Get a private investigator to be there that day instead of you going--protects you in case it's innocent.

Fairenuff · 10/02/2019 11:43

Why don't you ask him to meet you for lunch on the 14th and see if he says he's already booked lunch with someone.

Honeybee79 · 10/02/2019 11:46

Don't go to the restaurant, it could be really embarrassing for you. I would let the day pass and then simply confront him and tell the truth about how you found out about it and demand an explanation. Or send a friend to the restaurant to check out who he's meeting. That would be ideal, but I note you say there's no one who you feel you can tell.

rugbylover · 10/02/2019 11:50

Hedge your bets....stay at work hoping it's a surprise he's planned for you. Ask a friend to see who he's meeting

Hope it's the former not the latter

ChrisPrattsFace · 10/02/2019 11:55

I would try and get someone else to go to the restaurant, as others have said - if it’s innocent you may look a fool.
When he comes home on Thursday night I would ask him how his dinner at said restaurant was, and that you were disappointed you weren’t invited in the date!
I hope he isn’t cheating OP. Awful way to find out!

MostlyBoastly · 10/02/2019 11:56

But if he is having an affair, isn’t there a chance he’s booked under a different name? Bear that in mind when calling.

CatinMyLap · 10/02/2019 11:57

I wouldn’t call. I’d turn up on the day

Original poster
LilacDaisyChain · 10/02/2019 11:58

The sex toy is something you could use solo or with a partner.
Again, normally he would tell me something like that but again he's said nothing.

I have spoken to him about the lack of sex and asked if there are any issues, is he bored, does he want to spice things up? He said he's happy with our sex lift, still finds me attractive. He just keeps saying he is tired and doesn't need sex as much anymore.

He was depressed while he was at work but now he's started his self employed business he's much happier and I thought things might get back to how they were but it feels like he's being very secretive which is not usually him hence my suspicions.

I will tread carefully, I don't want to end the trust between us but I can't shake off the feeling that something might be off...

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 10/02/2019 11:58

It’s a difficult one because even if the reservation is for two people it could still be innocent.

I think you need to look for more evidence. Do you have access to the accounts and can see what he’s spending money on?

TooTragicToBeFunny · 10/02/2019 11:59

If it smells like shit, and looks like shit...

You know if you’re own heart OP there is no reasonable explanation for this

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 10/02/2019 12:01

Does he keep a work diary (old fashioned paper sort!)? Maybe clues in there.

ConstantStruggler · 10/02/2019 12:02

Book the same restaurant for your early Valentine's lunch on the 13th? If he booked it as a surprise for you but forgot you're working on the 14th he'll surely mention it and you can laugh at the "coincidence" of both of you picking the same restaurant. If he doesn't say a thing you can start digging further and get your ducks in a row. You'll have a slightly awkward date though...

OdeToDiazepam · 10/02/2019 12:04

Def call the restaurant and maybe ask a friend to go on the day, or casually ask about his plans on the 13th in some roundabout way? See what he says about what his plans are, that should tell you a lot

ConstantStruggler · 10/02/2019 12:04

If it is an innocent work lunch,i would think,
he'll mention it too. As in: gosh the coincidence..

keepingbees · 10/02/2019 12:05

Is it possible he's forgotten you're working and booked it as a surprise for you both. The sex toy could be something he's keeping to just use by himself. Have you looked to see if it's at home anywhere?

user14869556378 · 10/02/2019 12:13

My partners phone opens with face recognition but if I'm using it, obviously it recognise me so it goes to pincode open. Perhaps that's not the same for every phone.

happylittletree · 10/02/2019 12:18

I agree it's best not to assume this is what is happening and that you should confirm it.

It is possible he wants to surprise you, as PP have said. Staying in work and getting a friend to help seems like the best plan - but do you have a friend who is able to go to the neighbouring town for a long lunch on your behalf???

If not, you could pull a sicky once it's apparent that he's not coming to surprise you for lunch.

GiveMeFiveMinutes · 10/02/2019 12:47

If you don't have a friend that you can ask to scope out the restaurant for you, I bet someone on here would do it, if you post the county that you are in.

It's a horrible feeling when you start to notice little things that just don't add up. I hope that it's all innocent, but it doesn't sound great.

Fadingawayagain · 10/02/2019 12:49

Maybe just be honest and say you was booking a surprise and came across a restaurant reservation for the 14th and could he explain it? What would calling the restaurant achieve realistically, even if they confirm it’s for 2 people it doesn’t confirm he was cheating as it could have been a surprise for you it also doesn’t mean he isn’t. You say you don’t want to break the trust you have with each other so I think just being honest about what you have seen. You know him so you will be able to tell if he is lying or if you still have suspicions. Good luck and I hope it’s innocent x

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/02/2019 12:54

Why not tell him you've unexpectedly got the day off and suggest going out for lunch?

His reply might be revealing ...

AstralTraveller · 10/02/2019 13:12

You have to turn up on the night OP. That's the only answer. Claim a thunderous headache, skip out and drive for a look.

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