I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

I get security alerts when someone signs into my email on a different device so I think he’s realized his error.

Hope you’re ok OP

How are things now, OP? Thinking of you.....

you deffo need to check who he met up with on the 14th. my advice is that you confront him and try to talk to him, this is the only way you'll find out the truth. you said you don't have anyone to chat to in RL, even just going out to your parent's, seeing family members and even taking your son out for a mummy-son day would be a good distraction right now! I hope it's not what it seems and all is well. remember your self-worth- something that's always helped me in relationships. hugs doll, xx

Did the sex toy materialise yesterday?

Hello Lilac, how are things? 🌹

So, what happened on the 14th then OP?

Did you just ignore the whole day?

I hate that we all invested into this thread and we’re none the wiser. Sure, the op may have more important things to do than be on MN, but you did start the thread and you have to please fill us in?

I couldn’t agree more, soooooooo annoying😡 people giving such brilliant advice and people very caring. Very rude!

Christ, this is someone's real life, not a fucking soap opera. OP can update if/when she feels ready. This forum is for giving support and advice, not gawping at people's lives.

I don’t think of it at all as a soap opera, wouldn’t dream of it, I’m quite insulted by that. Don’t think the swearing is necessary either, but I agree with Minnie’s mum. It would be nice to know if she is ok.

Of course it’s sometimes for gawping at peoples lives, MN isn’t a forum of professionals, it’s a forum of women from all walks of life who want to hear others stories and offer advice, blah blah blah, we thought that the OP might be ready to post since Thursday y’know, it’s been 4 days and we want to know the outcome. No need to tell us off like we’re 4 year olds @RiversDisguise

RiversDisguise, hear hear. 👏

Why do people feel so entitled to updates/outcomes from OPs who might be going through a really tough time atm and have more important things to deal with than coming on here? They don’t have to do anything, and no, not at all rude.

Lilac, I’ve been following your thread, though not posted till now. Hope you’re ok and have managed to find answers. You do not have to give any detail that you don’t want to. Take care x

Hello All.

Sorry, I have been busy with work etc. I do hate it when the OP doesn't give an update either.

To be honest there isn't much to tell. On Thursday, H did go to his dads during the day. I know this to be true because H's dad is helping him with his business and H called me while he was there to clarify childcare issues and I could hear his dad in the background.

Over the weekend, H, DS and I have been together the whole time and I haven't seen anything suspicious.

I've tried looking for the sex toy. I can't find it anywhere, I'm still on the hunt. I didn't get it as a Valentine's present (not that we usually do presents- not that I really would have wanted to use it). If I find it, I will confront him about it.

I think the sex toy plus the restaurant booking made me paranoid. I will still remain vigilant but if I'm being honest, I think I've just been a paranoid idiot 🤦🏼‍♀️

Although he says there's nothing wrong with his sex drive, I think our fertility issues have played a part in the decline too.

If I see/hear anything of suspicion I will update but thank you for all your advice and next time I will do better at keeping everyone updated

Thanks for the update Lilac and pleased for you that nothing else suspicious has happened.

Re the sex you, might it be a joke gift for someone else? Or is it something he might have bought for personal use - the same way women use vibrators possibly? I m8ght not feel I had to tell my OH if I bought something like that.

Hello Lilac, that must of eased your mind, I’m so pleased for you, and that you understand about updating your post. You are not a paranoid idiot, you were worried, it’s understandable. Maybe a heart to heart is due. Sending much love. 🌺🌺

@LilacDaisyChain look in the garage, any suitcases, where the spare wheel is kept in car. As an ex dominatrix that is where I was told by subs that they hid their dirty secrets, oh and gym bag.

OP it is very odd he came out with all of that about the restaurant booking. And then calling you from his dads so you know he's there.

All you know is that he was at his dads at that moment in time. Sex toys and restaurant bookings but none of them for you? Sounds dodgy to me.

I'd guess you can't find the toy as there's already another woman that has it.

Having read through the whole of this thread I think you have every reason to be suspicious and need to be on the alert. It usually is just the little things...Years ago I found an email order for some sexy items my now ex had ordered online and no I was not suspicious or snooping at the time. I did receive a couple of the items but knew I had not been given one of the items. I mentioned this as I admitted seeing the online receipt. The missing gift was forthcoming upon this disclosure, it was a little pink night wear item with a logo on the front. Absolutely not my style and the sort of thing I believe he would ever have picked out for me. Being so naive at the time I never questioned it, although I do think I questioned the overly familiar e - card he received from a colleague. Whether he was having an affair then I never found out, however he is now my ex and there was another woman involved.

... I wouldn’t let me guard down even 1% after this. That sex toy, well it’s an intimate toy , where the fuck is it?

Yes I would still be looking for evidence too. Nothing you have put here makes me think everything is OK OP.

I don't understand why everyone is so suspicious about the sex toy. I have a vibrator, I never have and never would cheat...

Maybe it's a fleshlight and is using it to try and get his libido up a bit. Maybe he's embarrassed and that's why he hasn't mentioned it to OP.

Charlie - I agree. I'm sure women buy vibrators for personal use and don't necessarily feel they need to tell their partners. It does help to keep a balanced mind on such things rather than just assuming the worst - mind you, the worst makes for more "interesting reading" for some posters.