I think my H is having an affair? What do I do?

[LilacDaisyChain]

Hello MNetters

Long time lurker, and have no one in RL I can talk to about this. Please can I have your advice, I'm trying to keep calm.

Ok, first of all, I know it's wrong but I signed into my husbands email. I did this because I wanted to book a table at lunch at a restaurant for 13th Feb. Back story: I don't work on this day but am on Valentine's. H is self employed and just started his business so I know he will be available for lunch this day and wanted to surprise him.

I looked on his emails to see if he booked something similar for the 13th for us as a surprise.

And to my surprise he has...for the 14th. This is a day he knows I'm working. It's for lunch and it's in the next town over. I can't find on the email the party size.

Now my mind has gone into overdrive. I usually never check his email (bad I know) but I've trawled through his emails and at the end of Jan he bought a male sex toy. I've never seen the sex toy and he's not told me about it either.

Also there has been a decline in our sex life. We have a DS aged 4 and we've been having fertility problems and in Oct last year, we were told that IVF is our only option. Since then, our sex life has dwindled with him not being interested. I've tried speaking to him on a few occasions and asked why, he says he's been tired and getting older and doesn't need it as much. I accepted this answer because up until Jan he had been working flat out at his full time job getting paid overtime to build our savings now that he is self employed.

Now, I'm starting to connect the dots and if a friend told me this about her H, I would be screaming affair!

What do I do now? I can't get access to his phone because it has face recognition ID. So at the moment I can't get anymore evidence. I asked him in conversation this morning if he had anything planned this week except work stuff and he said no.

As I can't get anything concrete yet, my plan is to go to restaurant on Thursday in my lunch break and see for myself. I work close to this town but my H knows I would never go there on my lunch break, as well as other family/friends.

I'm absolutely gutted that he would do this to me, I thought we were doing good and were happy. Any advice welcome ladies, what's my next step?

If you mention anything beforehand it is going to alert him or he is going to deny it so playing cool and turning up on the day seems to be the best thing to do. It will be hard but how else will you catch him?
However you can do one thing beforehand which is pretend your phone isn't working or you've left it at work and don't ask but say to him let me use your phone for a bit. I need to call work to see if it's there... Or I want to have a look at restaurants for us on the 13th or something random like that. Don't tell him shrug you off but make sure he hands it to you to use.
If he's with an OW then you can act as much as he is acting and he will not be able to call your bluff.

Fingers crossed op it’s all a mix up x

I hope it is innocent. The idea of him secretly organising time off for you seems a bit contrived and unlikely, sorry. Has he ever done anything like that before?

OP, I hope this is just a mix up with dates. xx

I agree, if you mention anything to him before hand then it might spook him and cancel the plans for Thursday (if he is seeing someone else).

I really hope it is a surprise for you though. Stay strong x

What will you do about the plans for the 13th ?
I don't think I'd even be able to into work on Thursday if I were you, is it short notice to book a days leave ?
If meeting business contacts for lunch isn't really a normal thing for him then it looks bad. I really hope I'm wrong.
I can't imagine how you must be feeling op , try to stay calm , nothing has been proven.

Try to remain calm 💐
Don’t ask questions or alert him to the fact you’re suspicious as he may change his plans and then you will never know.

I agree with going along Thursday. Observe from a distance.

If you’ve got the nerve I would turn up at the restaurant on the day. Best of luck!

I actually feel sick to my stomach for you OP.

Last March I discovered my STBXH was having an affair. I don't know how long it was going on before I found out but he played a blinder in keeping me in the dark.

I so hope you're wrong and there's an innocent explanation but the agony of even thinking there's something going on his just horrendous.

Keep strong and good luck

It brings it all back doesn’t it Lily? 💐

Gosh I hope you are wrong

You have my sympathies, OP. It's a horrible situation to be in, whatever happens

I would phone him about an hour before the time the lunch is booked and just say 'Hi, have you got any plans for lunch today?' as if you unexpectedly managed to get the afternoon off work and were thinking of meeting up with him.

His answer will be

• yeah, sorry me and Jeff/Julie thought we'd have a catch up lunch, why don't you join us/meet up afterwards (innocent)

• no, I'm working (lying)

• why do you ask (avoiding answering)

Then you say, no worries, just thought we could meet up but I'll see you later.

Doing it so close to the lunch gives him little time to cancel so he will probably go ahead and you can see who he leaves the restaurant with.

Bear in mind two things:

They might arrive and leave separately so unless you can see directly in you won't find anything out.

Also, prepare yourself for the fact that he might be meeting up with a man rather than a woman. The lack of interest in sex and the undisclosed sex toy might indicate that he is exploring his sexual orientation. My friend's dh did this. Long marriage, three children and he left her for a man. He didn't tell her he was meeting men, she found out by accident and he even denied it when she confronted him with irrefutable evidence (naked photos).

OP I'm sorry you're having to deal with this it's honestly gut wrenching whilst you're waiting to find out more details. I had something similar where I found a message from OH asking a woman to meet for a drink during his work hours (no suspicions I wanted to see if I could guess his access code ). It was innocent in the end and to do with work but bloody hell my mind went through everything in the interim period.
If you both have iPhone's do you have family sharing activated? You can share location and see where he's at.

Just read the whole thread. You sound like you're keeping so calm. I'm really hoping that it's just an innocent thing. I'd probably be marching into the restaurant myself, but that isn't necessarily the best course of action.
Good luck OP x

So sorry op! Doesn't sound good, keep quiet about the 14th. I'd just suggest a meal on the 13th if that's when your off, and what you would usually do, just to see what he says. I know it's hard, but try and act as normally as you can until Thursday. Like pp I agree to you going to the restaurant. Hope its not what you think it is op. If it is, you deserve so much better.

How are you OP?

Hello Everyone,

The only update I have so far is that I've checked the team diary and I'm not scheduled for any AL on Thursday pm.

My next step is now to see if he has got his days mixed up. I have booked lunch for Wednesday 13th but haven't told him yet.

I was thinking I could email/text him tomorrow while I'm at work and do a romantic style invite in the hopes that he'll be reminded of what he's booked. If the booking is intended for us, he will most likely say 'oh, I've been an idiot and booked the wrong day'

If he says nothing then I know I need to go on Thursday.

I'll keep you all updated...

why don't you just until Thursday - if he's made a mistake or has booked you a surprise then you will know then.

Oh no doesn't sound good.

Bit odd that he had an email to say he'd reserved a table though, and that you'd thought of checking email to see if he'd booked anywhere when I've only ever thought of doing that over the phone. Surely if you were booking a table for you and another woman on Valentine's day you'd do it over the phone with no trail? So I hope it is innocent, you never know! Good luck

I would do that OP.
Because of the time of year I don't think it looks suspicious you saying that. If he has booked the 14th in error, and it was for you and him, I think he would then say something to you, although why he would have booked in another town I don't know--

do you have access to the mobile phone bills OP, if you do, maybe have a quick look through them and see if a number crops up a lot.

Don't give him any indication that you suspect anything!

The more you hint things to him the more he may figure out you know. If you want to know the truth I would just leave it till Thursday then go see for yourself. Best of luck

lilac got to admit it doesn’t sound good.Whatever you do you want to make sure you get to the truth of it so you need to act as though nothing’s up as you wouldn’t want to scupper your plans of finding out.thinking of you.