DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

Does he know that you’re topping up finances with savings? Have you had a proper discussion over budgets?

Have you fallen into a 1950s set up and he’s getting too used to it?

Kicking off doesn’t sound like a good response to being asked to get groceries.

You sound exhausted you poor thing. Have you and your DH not sat down to have a full discussion re finances before now? You should both be aware of how much money is coming in how much going out and how much will be saved. You should each have the same amount of monthly "fun" money to spend on whatever you wish if the budget allows. Why on earth are you spending your savings to buy groceries? Is money tight? Are you aware of monthly budget and how much money is spare?

You hit the nail on the head when you said he could not go to work if you were not providing childcare. Or letting him sleep during the night while you deal with baby. Or presumably doing the cleaning, cooking, shopping and everything else in the house too.

I am a single parent. I work and do all the household stuff. Your DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

You should not be paying for food out of savings, his earnings should be for the family he has helped create. Quite why you should be justifying being tired and asking him to do some shopping when you have a baby is beyond me.

Agree with Golden - do you really want to stay with this man? He really needs to step up.

From your savings!! You need to be having a chat with your husband that's ridiculous. I'm off on maternity right now and passed the point of any payment. My husband pays for everything savings are OUR savings both what we both saved before I went off and what he's saving now.
I go our with friends he encourages me to spend what little we have left over.
He also works long hours and over nights. But he also does bath time, nappies and parenting because he is a parent.
You both need a chat about how you run things.

It’s probably a good idea to sort the money aspect out before you run out of money. Could you sit down together and do a budget? I know quite a few couple where the woman made two lists, one of the finances and split of the domestic workload if the child goes to nursery and one if she stays at home.
I wouldn’t go back until it’s sorted, it’s a very difficult situation but don’t give in x

I’m happy to pay for the groceries until my savings from my previous job run out. But I didn’t know he’d be so resentful when he finally had to pay for some. Or that he was so resentful in general about paying for everything else. I thought we’d agreed it was best for me to SAH until DS goes to nursery.

I should have known. Several years ago I got a job in a call centre that I absolutely hated to the point that I cried every night. DH told me to quit and he’d support me because he didn’t want to see me so unhappy. So I quit, and then he had several angry outbursts about me being lazy and not contributing.

Do you receive the Child benefit OP?

Did he agree to you quitting work or did you just decide? It doesn't sound like a joint decision from how you've phrased it.

Even if he did he's allowed to change his mind, some don't realise how stressful being the sole earner is. Go back to work and split the childcare costs between you. It's a joint expense not just yours. Him being resentful of having to work whilst you get your wishes with no regards to how he feels will lead to long term problems.

If I'd have been at work all day and DH at home as no job and hadn't bothered to shop so I had too I'd have been cross as well.

So basically you are happy to run your financial autonomy into the ground to pay for food, when he is angry and resentful about you looking after your (both) DC so he can go out to work? Running your savings down to zero means that you have nothing to rely on if you ever want or need to leave this man.

It sounds like he was annoyed about being jumped into doing a full shop on his way home from work.

I’d be annoyed at that. But the comment about paying for everything would make me angry - however I’d wonder where that came from.

I think you’ve fallen into this arrangement without a proper frank conversation about financial implications of you not working. Maybe he didn’t want you to give up work, even though it costs more in childcare than your salary. How much did you discuss it and the practical arrangements otherwise?

Was he like this before you married or has it just been since you had kids? All money should be pooled. You shouldn't be buying groceries from savings. This is madness. Did you discuss this before having children? I couldn't marry someone like this he is not a good husband or father

Why on earth are you using your savings? Did you not agree finances before having a child with this man? Do you have access to his salary

You need to sit down and point out that you are now a family and his salary is family money. If he doesn’t want to have a joint account, then at leas have a joint bills account and separate savings (if you save?) - same with a pension for you whilst you not working (if you can afford it as a couple)

That last bit is the critical wording - you are a family, not two individuals sharing a house.

I would suggest that you also look at going back to work. Childcare should be paid jointly, and even if you are paying out more than a single wage (yours) it is still worth it in the long run.

Why are you using your savings to buy groceries? If you want to live in a time warp then surely he hands over his wages for 'housekeeping'? If you are a family then you sit down and work out a budget to cover all essential family bills, and if it's not viable you working right now then it needs to be crystal clear that your contribution to the family is doing the childcare that allows him to work full time. I can understand why he was cross about the shopping though - one thing to pick up a pint of milk after work, pretty annoying to be asked to do a weekly shop. Time for a big conversation about how you fairly divide financial and practical responsibilities, but I'd suggest if at all possible (can you leave EBM?) he does sole charge childcare for a day first so he sees it's not as easy as he thinks.

Did he agree to you quitting work or did you just decide?
Neither. I got the boot from my shitty zero hour contract job as soon as they found out I was pregnant. With appropriate excuses to cover their backs legally of course. There was no point job hunting when I was heavily pregnant and now I’d have to earn enough to cover childcare which isn’t going to happen. DH exceeds the £60k threshold so we get zero child benefit and wouldn’t be eligible for tax credits or help with childcare costs.

So he didn’t agree that you’d give up work.... you just fell into it?
I’m on a 12 month career break but only after dh and I had very long conversations and knocked up a detailed budget, going through it several times. It was uncomfortable but worth it as we went in with our eyes open. Never would I have just stopped working with discussing. Even if it means I cover all the childcare and household stuff.

Time to be grown ups and have a proper conversation.

Hou need to have a proper sit down onversation with the bills in front of you and his salary and the child benefit. You both need to look at the figures and discuss how you will pay for everything and do everything for the next three years.

Do not continue to spend your savings in groceries. That needs to come put of a wage.

I’d have to earn enough to cover childcare which isn’t going to happen

It depends how you see it. You could see it as DH also covering childcare costs so you can get back into working - a long term investment.

I wouldn't mind asking my husband to pick up a couple of items like bread and milk on his way home but to send him a complete shopping list when he has been at work all day is not very thoughtful on your part. I can see how this blew up into a row.

Your DH earns in excess of £60k a year and is making/allowing you to pay for groceries out of your savings? That’s horrendous.

You are also entitled to child benefit. It’s important from a National Insurance point of view that you are still in the CB system. Your DH might just have to do an annual tax return.

How were your finances managed before you were pregnant?
It’s definitely time to sit down and talk about it.

Tbh I can see his point. An 11 month old is pretty easy to organise while you do an online shop while he sleeps, plays or lies around. You sound like you are making excuses cos you couldn't be bothered.

This is awful OP. Does he realise you are doing a full time job (involving more hours than his own job) raising his child? What's the quantifiable value on that? It shouldn't be yours and his money. Your money should be joint.

In terms of him being annoyed about picking up groceries- I could understand that he's worked all day and probably doesn't want to be doing a food shop. however if it's a one off he doesn't need to complain so much