DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

Why are you using your savings to buy groceries?
I’ve always handled groceries because my work hours were shorter, I did 40 hours and DH does more like 50-60. I used to also give DH a chunk of my earnings towards bills, which he has always handled.

Since I’ve been SAH I’ve obviously stopped giving him the monthly lump sum. But I continued paying for groceries and my own little daily expenses as I did before (just out of my savings instead of my earnings). He doesn’t give me any money, he just pays our living expenses.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries

OP, does he know this? Is he aware?

Op you need to claim the child benefit and then your dh can pay it back.

This is heading into financial abuse. You will have not a penny to your name if this continues.

You also need to get a job. Even if it all goes on childcare, you'll still be paying pension contributions. The cost of nursery comes out of the whole pot, not just your wage.

I would also be fucked off if i got asked to do a full shop on my way home from a long day at work.

His salary is irrelevant, he didn't agree for the OP to be a SAHP and was given no choice. With just one child even at min wage childcare can be covered. That's just an excuse to not work.

If he had lost hos job and decided not to bother getting another one as the OP worked he would be classed as lazy and a cocklodger.

You could see it as DH also covering childcare costs so you can get back into working - a long term investment
It makes no difference. A min wage job now or a min wage job in 2-3 years time. I’ll be no better off for working now.

Op, as a comparison - I have been married 22+ yrs with 2 young adults.

I had very little savings when we married, had a house but little equity, he had a lot of equity in his, which sold before mine, he used that to pay off my mortgage just before we married!

A year later, we had bought a joint house and had first baby, I went part time and still am, 21yrs later. Both good earners but he is Contract so paid himself an annual dividend.

We have always had a joint account, joint easy access savings and individual ISAs. All money into joint account, all bills out, including 2 sets of nursery fees at one point. They were never mine to pay - but ours - our children, our nursery fees.

Excess monthly money went into joint savings, paid for holidays, house updates etc. Most of money for ISAs and updating cars came from his dividends in early days, less so now as I have had an inheritance, endowments and a share payout in recent years.

DH has never once mentioned his and my money. Never, ever. We are married, we have joint children and joint finances. Incidentally, I will have better pensions, having been employed rather than Contract, but again it won’t matter, as it will just be pooled anyway.

Yep - if I'd been ordered to do a full shop on my way home from a stressful day at work I'd be pretty pissed off too.

It sounds like you both need to have an adult conversation about how you are going to live your lives. If you are going to remain at home then you have to sort out how household expenses will be paid. Both of you have to be comfortable with that.

It's a huge responsibility being an only wage earner. It's very unfair if your DH had no say in your decision not to work.

I've been a SAHM and a working parent. Being at home with a baby might be tiring, but not more so than commuting and working.

@Reticulata

The thing that’s missing here is any sign that you’ve laid this all out for your DH and you’re quickly defensive to any alternative suggestions. Possibly because you don’t want to work - which is completely fair enough.

But you need to set this out to your dh and have him face up to the financial consequences.

You also need to get a job. Even if it all goes on childcare, you'll still be paying pension contributions.
The pension contributions you get from a min wage job are literally worthless.

Are you on the mortgage?
Yes. Due to inheritance I’ve actually paid for half of the house in cash. The other half is a mortgage that’s being paid from DH’s salary.

You have to sit him down and discuss finances and scenarios of how much it would cost both of you if you were to go back to work. He would also need to do 50% of housework, night feeds etc and would not be able to travel for work at the drop of a hat nor schedule any work stuff without checking what's happening with your child or whether you're free.

Sit down and calculate his salary and bills. Then from that do a food budget and entertainment budget and the rest you can decide what goes into savings and what is each of yours to spend as you wish.

Then do a scenario with you earning a hypothetical income. Then add childcare and babysitters and possibly a cleaner unless he's going to pull his sleeves up and clean too.

Then decide which is better for you as a family. Let's see what he thinks when he sees it in black and white. And do not use any more of your savings unless that's the only way you can afford to eat.

This is so wrong op.

He gives you nothing to live on . I bet he has savings .

You need a conversation .

You also need to not use up all your savings . Get a job . He pays half the childcare. You will then be better off . C . Minders are cheaper

the comment about paying for everything would make me angry - however I’d wonder where that came from
Yes exactly.

Wow, so you've already paid your half of the house, always paid for groceries AND pre DC were giving him money towards what ? (Gas, electric and insurance would surely be less than groceries and you've already paid your half of the house.)

And he earns more than you? Where's all "his" money going OP and have you ever sat down and discussed finances in general and how having DC would affect them?

It makes no difference. A min wage job now or a min wage job in 2-3 years time. I’ll be no better off for working now

You many not have much choice. Your DH clearly resents you deciding alone you don't want to work. He may not stick around given its all about what you want whilst not giving him a say it would seem.

Would you honestly if the situation was reversed and he didn't want to work and expected you to so that he didn't have to worry about paying for anything whilst free to do as he pleases all day? I highly doubt it.

You do need to claim Child benefit, even if you don’t actually get paid it or he claims it back via tax form, as otherwise your SAHM years won’t count towards your state pension. You need 35 yrs at present, which will likely rise in time but any years at home looking after a child under 12 are counted.

My understanding is that you can claim it but not actually be paid it.

I went for the other option, to be paid it and DH included it on his tax form as he was doing one anyway (plus some years recently has diverted excess earnings into building up his pension, so stayed under 60k.)

As others have said, you need to sit him down and talk to him about your work plans and finances. If you split up you will have used all your savings and be in a mess in the short term.

His salary should be going into a joint account while you are not working. It's absurd that you had to use your savings to buy food.

I really don't understand why you would need to pay for childcare.

Simply the question is can you afford childcare out your joint incomes. I would imagine the answer is yes, so there is no reason for you not to work.

Your child is nearly a year old, I'd go back to work,

If you've paid for half the house he lives in, and are paying for the food he and his child eats, you really need to point out to your husband that he isn't supporting you as much as he thinks.

Is it possible to use your time at home to improve your qualifications so that you have more choice than minimum wage jobs?

The pension contributions you get from a min wage job are literally worthless.

Yes, but working means you accrue entitlement to state pension. Please tell me you're claiming child benefit, because that would give you the NIC credits on your record to count towards state pension that you're missing out on by not working.

He's a high earner though, so has he told you not to claim it? If he has, put a claim back in now but elect not to receive it (if you want to appease him) - that way you still get your NIC credits but he has no issues with it being clawed back from him for having a high salary.

HRTFT.

If I were in your shoes I'd worry that just as your savings run out your DH would decide you needed to split up, you weren't getting on, blah blah blah. Then you'll be left with a house you paid half towards in cash, no income, no way to pay mortgage if he turns difficult, no way to work if you can't afford childcare. You really need to have a serious conversation now before your savings evaporate, leaving you in a very vulnerable situation. I'm sure PP have said the same thing.

Does he know you pay for the groceries? What is he paying for? Mortgage, heating, electricity? He'd need to pay rent anyway, and heating and electric, so it seems like his outgoings aren't that huge - the mortgage is halved because of your large down-payment, and you pay for the groceries.

He's not doing you any favours, you really need to protect yourself, discuss the situation calmly with him. TBH I'd be trying to get a job right now, and expecting him to pay for the childminding. It's not your responsibility alone. And yes, that's what I did when I realised I was going to be in a dicey situation if things got worse. Which they did.

His salary should be going into a joint account while you are not working. It's absurd that you had to use your savings to buy food.

Just picking one thing to quote, but there is a pattern here of financial abuse. This set up is not normal and nor is his "anger" at you for asking him to share a teeny tiny portion of the burden he should already be carrying.

It's scary that you think this is all normal.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Your DH sound like a bit of an arse and I agree this is financial abuse or heading that way.

But I can also see why having to do the weekly shop after a day at work is annoying. You sound exhausted Your DS is 11 months now and should be sleeping through the night in his own bed. To me this sounds like the priority and i’m sure you’ll see things more clearly once you are able to get a full night’s sleep.

Ah.
Please stop wasting your time.
Say nothing to him.
Get legal and financial advice. It might be that, with his decent income, he would have to support you and the child fully, for a while.
Then when all ducks are in a row and quacking, see the back of him.

If you don’t you’ll be begging him for crumbs for the rest of your life.