DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

So your DH does sound like a bit of a twat, OP, but in fairness I wouldn’t be happy about having to suddenly do a full food shop on my way home from work when it’s Snowing heavily - that is definitely a case of ‘get in, grab what you need, get out’.

Honestly, It sounds like you just don’t want to work. Have you even tried looking at admin type roles which would be above minimum wage, and figuring out how you could get them? Or have you looked at part time work perhaps around your DH’s hours? I’m thinking you haven’t tried very hard to find something because you actually want to stay at home.

That’s perfectly valid - IF both partners agree with it, and it sounds like your DH resents being the only earner.

Present him with some options of you going back to work - clearly laying out the childcare expectation and need for him to step up with the household chores, bedtimes etc. You never know, he might jump at the chance!

Or he may just be a twat, in which case see a solicitor, pack your bags, and leave.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I also think your H will actively sabotage all and any attempts at you now getting a job. Where is his money going here?.

I would also be seeing a Solicitor now in your particular circumstances because this man you're married to does not want to share and is more than happy for you to spend your savings on groceries. You will be left trapped and penniless if you remain with him - he wants all the power and control in this relationship.

Abuse like financial abuse is really insidious in its onset and I do think this has crept up on you over a long period of time.

You must register for child benefit or you lose your credit for ni contribution towards your state pension and maybe other benefits. You could claim the cb, but he would pay tax. That might make more sense. Don't use all your savings. Have a family account for bills and food etc, you can pay in when you are earning. Make sure it's fair, not equal.
I do think sit him down and talk to him, ask if he would rather split up. I have been in very vulnerable position but the trick is not to let them get the upper hand. Always say you know where the door is, leave your key, and insist they know what your contribution us worth. If you went to work he would have to pay for nursery, wake up in the night, shop, clean etc. Keep telling him, don't be cowed

You need to sit down and talk to your DH.

It sounds like you want to stay at home with your child, and he’s feeling the pressure of being the only wage earner.

Sit down and talk it through. Maybe you could do evenings/weekends somewhere for eg.

I am always so surprised by how many people on MN think that a baby should be dumped in to child care even when the family can afford a SAHP, of all my friends who have children, the ones who can afford to do have a SAP and the ones who need both parents working wish that one of them could have stayed home.

My DH would happily do the shopping on the way home and actually does most of it as we both know it's far easier to shop/pack car/unpack car without a baby hanging out with you. When the shopping gets home we both unpack it.

11 months old is so little, I hope that you are able to stay home a while longer.

I would be bringing up with him what he said as he may have just said it and not actually meant it.

"DH told me to quit and he’d support me because he didn’t want to see me so unhappy. So I quit, and then he had several angry outbursts about me being lazy and not contributing".

Another red flag re your DH right there pertaining to financial abuse. I guess too he is also abusive to you in other ways.

Do give Womens Aid a call on 0808 2000 247

Totally agree with PPs about going back to work. You are leaving yourself vulnerable financially here. Aside from pension contributions (which however small are not worthless) you are missing out on increasing your earning potential. Plus, childcare is paid from overall pot of money you both earn. Not just your salary!

Also, if you haven’t had a proper conversation and agreed to be a SAHP I can see how you DH May feel like he has not had proper input into the decision and may feel overwhelmed in being the sole breadwinner.

That said he’s being an arsehole about it. If you were to split you really are putting yourself in a potentially shit situation financially. Clearly he is showing his true colours here.

When I was on mat leave I used my savings, I transferred an amount monthly until I went back to work, it worked fine but as you are not going back to a work it’s not going for you.

You need to sort out sleep, get your DS into his own cot, everything seems better when you have slept. Then have a big conversation about finances. Your DH’s reaction could be as you gave him a massive list after a long day and he didn’t know the resentment you hold towards him regards sleep and money. I wouldnt be happy if my partner gave me a massive list when I had finished work and presumably also had to drive in snow.

How is the relationship generally?

You DH is a shit. He completely fails to acknowledge that your parenting is a contribution to the family. Why are you paying for his food and his half of the cleaning products and why are you paying everything for your joint child? Go out. Get a job. Spilt the childcare costs. Or tell him that's what is happening. Tell him he will have to do half the nights and split the domestic tasks.

Who is paying for clothing and other things baby needs ?

I wouldn't mind asking my husband to pick up a couple of items like bread and milk on his way home but to send him a complete shopping list when he has been at work all day is not very thoughtful on your part. I can see how this blew up into a row.
I can't.
Sometimes things need doing if the other one hasn't got round to it.
Makes sense to do everything on one hit rather than a few bits go home and the do another shop.

OP, you are really backing yourself into a corner.
You have already paid your way for the next 20 years by paying your half of the mortgage.
Basically, the mortgage is half of what it should be, so your DH pays his half, then he effectively just pays bills for his family.

Where on earth is he squirrelling away the rest of his £60k per annum?
You are leaving yourself in a very vulnerable position.
Should you split, you should at the very least the huge deposit you put in, then split the rest of the equity.
If I were you I’d be asking for a joint account for a household expenses and a card so you can do an online shop at the very least.

I think the DH is getting an unfair bashing on here, this isn't about money it's about the time. I'd be pretty hacked off too if I'd been at work all day and then had to do a full shop when I hadn't planned for it.

You were at home all day, the snow and the being tired are irrelevant - DH also had the weather to consider and childcare/work are being likened to each other. You decided you couldn't be bothered and are now acting like it's a money issue! Your DH will perhaps be thinking you have no respect for his time considering the circumstances.

You should have shopped, online or otherwise. YABU. Sit down and discuss finances with your DH, it's obviously playing on your mind if a row about groceries has descended into this.

I think the grocery shop apart, the OP has made some imho naive decisions regarding the place of her money, and she needs to address it now.

I think the DH is getting an unfair bashing on here, this isn't about money it's about the time.

People are picking up on the money angle because that is obviously a bigger problem in the relationship as a whole. She's paying for all their joint food out of her own savings as a SAHP while he earns over £60k a year, that goes way beyond who did or didn't order an online shop in time on this one specific occasion.

In this specific individual instance you probably should've sorted the online shop, but the wider picture is one of a very problematic situation and a shitty attitude from your husband. Complaining about supporting you when you paid for half the house! In terms of value added to the home, given that you have basically funded your half of the housing costs already, he's basically paying bills while you fund food and provide childcare. You're bringing much more into the household than he is.

I can quite see why you don't want to put your baby in childcare in return for no profit and an NMW job that won't lead anywhere, but I still do think in these circumstances you need to work. Even with DH earning enough to lose you CB, if he doesn't earn over 100k after pensions etc you could still potentially get tax free childcare.

I agree. Her expecting him to do the weekly shop after work is unreasonable. But if he expects her to pay for all the groceries, that is also unreasonable.

I am always so surprised by how many people on MN think that a baby should be dumped in to child care even when the family can afford a SAHP, of all my friends who have children, the ones who can afford to do have a SAP and the ones who need both parents working wish that one of them could have stayed home

Gosh, did that make you feel better? No one "dumps" their child into childcare, and plenty of women, myself included, chose to work when we could have afforded otherwise. Just like my husband chose to work when we could have afforded otherwise. And like many of my friends.

Simply because your social circle is so limited, doesn't mean others don't make different choices, and a lack of understanding of that and lashing out on line, says more about you than I think you'd like.

For the life of me I cannot see why it's such a hardship for poor little husband to do a shop (expectedly or not) after a day's work. It's not like had to do it with baby and a pram in tow. He didn't even have to think what to buy, he was given a list. What a fucking snowflake.

This is ridiculous. How do women get themselves into these situations? OP, what are you going to do when the savings run out. Are you going to beg when you need a pair of shoes or your DS needs a new coat?

I gave up for a few years because it made financial sense. But crucially, only after our finances became completely joint and I could access all our household money. DH’s attitude was that he appreciated me putting my career on hold as me being at home meant that he could commit to longer working hours and become fairly senior fairly quickly. The pot of money was family money. I used it for everything I needed.

I’ve been back a few years now but despite him now earning vastly more than me that pot is still seen as ours rather than his because we’re a family unit.

I’d consider your husband’s behaviour as abusive. Not the being pissed off at having to shop in the snow but his attitude that it’s ok for you to continue to pay for groceries when you are not earning.

But...I can’t for the life of me understand how couples get into these weird oppressive situations. Surely you discuss how it’s all going to work before baby comes?

It sounds like you're being financially abused.

YOU paid for HALF the house up front through an inheritance and you've been paying for all the groceries etc from your savings for the past year. He's paying off the other half of the house through a mortgage and the bills. That's more than fair under the circumstances as he's making over £60k.

You're the mother of his child. He's your husband. He's supposed to treating you as such. But he gives you no spending money and bitches when he has to buy food. This doesn't bode well for what's coming when your savings as well.

I do think you need to see a solicitor as well. And talk to Women's Aid.

Just imagine what would happen if you told him fine, you will get a full time job immediately. But he will be responsible for the childcare costs entirely, since he is the child's father, and he'll also have to do half the pick ups/drop offs and sick days. Do you really think that conversation would go well? It would be a completely fair proposal... but I strongly suspect he wouldn't see it that way.

He wanted a family, but he doesn't want to share with his wife and child 'his' money. Yuck.

The husband is getting a bashing because he's taking the piss. If he doesn't want it to be a family money situation and everything is equal, fine, but in that case he needs to take due account of the 50% of the house OP has paid for, the 100% of the food she's paying for and the 100% of childcare she is providing. Far from him supporting her, OP is putting in more than her equal share at the moment!

In this couple's shoes DH and would take a family money, all one pot perspective, we do anyway, and wouldn't be nit picking over whether one is technically supporting the other at any particular moment in time. But this DH is having his cake and eating it. It really needs to be pointed out to him that it's not OP who's providing less than her 50% here...

There are clearly many other problems with DH but in this very specific instance, I would also have been peeved to come home from work in the snow and be sent a full shopping list. I don’t really get how there has been zero time to either go to the shops or do an online order.