DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

WRT shopping lists: I struggle even without children with online shopping/menu planning. I’ve found the AnyList app a real help.

I would have been annoyed at having a full weekly shop sprung on me on my way home from work, especially if you agreed that you would take care of those sorts of things.

He probably just said that out of anger. Doesn't make it ok though. You need to have an honest talk about finances and responsibilities and come to an arrangement that you are both happy with.

Your dh is nasty and petty. You are lazy and have never held down a real job. You both need to talk to one another, keep talking and sort this out or you'll be heading for an acrimonious divorce.

Wouldn’t most married couples regard an inheritance as “theirs” regardless of who it was left to? More to the point, wouldn’t a divorce court regard it as “theirs”? DH seems to think that the instant you get married everything you own becomes 50/50. Which means the inheritance from my DF is half his, and so is my savings account, and so is the lump sum from my Gran. He thinks that if we split the court would just hand him half of that £15k my Gran left me, so there’s no point in me holding it back and not putting it in the joint account because it’s half his regardless

So if this is the case, 50% of everything he earns is yours!

You are lazy and have never held down a real job.

Completely uncalled for @FionFlorist

Get your health sorted and make him pay for it. Point out that he is the one who ruined your health...

Talk about finances. Work out the cost of the work that you do - what would he have to pay someone else to do all the housework and childcare (including nights)? Present him with a bill for half of that amount, backdated 11 months.

Tell him you’re going back to work full time and he will need to pay half the childcare and also do half the nights, half the sick days, half the drop offs, half the housework etc etc regardless of the impact on his job. And let that thought sink in.

My dh has a full-on high-earning job and I’m a long-term SAHM (disabled child). All our money is in a joint account. It’s OUR money. DH is totally aware that he can only earn what he does because of what I do. We had an inheritance, it was Ours. DH got sick, we paid for private care because We had the money and it seemed like a good idea. Sometimes I’m too tired to cook so Dh does it. He does the night care at the weekend and sometimes in the week if I’m exhausted. We’re a team.

You and your dh are not a team. Please think about your exit plan.

Someone who has completed a PhD is not very likely to be a lazy person. What OP does have is a very odd attitude to work and her career prospects. OP I know academia is tough to get a secure job in these days, but I really don't get why you think the only possible alternative is 18 years of minimum wage work. What's led you to see it that way?

how can you be worse off working if you have a PHD????

you have basically funded your half of the housing costs already I’ve pointed this out to him before. DF died and left me his house, which I sold and paid off my half of our mortgage. But DH insists that can’t be counted as my contribution because I haven’t earned it, it was given to me by DF. So it’s DF’s money not mine.

but I’m also thinking about elective surgery to repair birth injuries that the NHS won’t cover.

DH insists I’m being selfish for considering spending any of it on surgery or on myself. He complained that I haven’t transferred it into our joint savings and said he’ll get half of it if I leave him.

fuck off!

Basically childcare is 100% my responsibility, apart from when DH does occasional bedtimes or weekends when he’s available.

swap him for a nanny

On min wage I end up with about £14k after tax. Transport to work costs around £2.5k. Childcare would cost somewhere in the region of £12k and I could claim about £2k of government support towards that. So if you do the maths I’m approx £30 a week better off for working.

You have a PHD - why would you be on Min wage???

He thinks that if we split the court would just hand him half of that £15k my Gran left me, so there’s no point in me holding it back and not putting it in the joint account because it’s half his regardless

so he has already talked about what would happen if he left?

Why is it in your post you said that your wages wouldn’t cover the nursery fees, why wasn’t your child’s father paying half the nursery fees?
Because it’s irrelevant who pays. When you compare me SAH vs me working there’s no difference, we aren’t any better off if I work.
no, but you* would be better off

but I can’t move because of house/DHs job/parents
yes you can

if something goes wrong with your marriage you can not take care of yourself and your baby
I figure in the worst case scenario I’ll move in with DM and get half of the marital home plus child maintenance from DH. Then top that up with a min wage job when DS starts school. I’d scrape by for the necessary 18 year

if this arsehole leaves you/you kick him out, you think he will happily pay you child maintenance!?!?

I don’t have a psychology degree. I studied EBusiness, my PhD is more like change management and workflow design. I already have a teaching qualification because I taught during my PhD.
corporate world? change management?

This just gets worse and worse

He resents paying for things
He makes you use your savings to buy groceries
He doesn’t see your contribution physicall as anything of value
He discounts your buying 50% of the house because you didn’t ‘earn’ the money (JFC!)
He won’t let you get yourself surgery to repair birth injuries
He expects you to do all the shit work
He won’t marry you????

You are with a grade A bastard.

THIS with Bells!! Hammers!! Red Flags!! and everything else on!!!!!

What a shame you didn't rent out your dad's house and use it as an income for yourself.
Agree with others you need to book in that surgery and get your health back. You'll need it when you're a single parent because it's bloody hard work.

OK - your updates have proven somewhat enlightening.

Your DH is still being financially abusive, but it sounds more now like he's highly resentful at being "forced" into staying in his high-paying job because of the golden handcuff situation. His job/employer sounds absolutely DREADFUL, with the absolute lack of flexibility and understanding. If I was in his job, and I felt trapped in it because of bills and outgoings, I'd be fucking resentful too.

I'm not saying he's right, and he's certainly not right about the inheritance and so on, BUT I would resent massively feeling trapped in a job like that.

What might be an idea for you all, if he can be persuaded to think of it, is for him to decide he IS going to leave that job and to look at a way that he can earn less and have a more flexible job - and then there might be a way that you could get a job if you wanted to and could find one, and it would take the pressure off of him.

BUT that's assuming he's actually telling the truth about the situation with his job/employer - did you hear any of the bollocks his employer was saying to him about getting a nurse/calling your baby a "f*ing kid" etc? Or is that what just what he told you?

However, it still doesn't get round the fact that he's being completely unreasonable about your inheritances. You really do need to talk to a solicitor about the legal position on inheritances - they are not automatically considered as a marital asset at all, but as someone else said, you paying yours into the house has turned it into one.

And it doesn't get around the fact that he's expecting you to run your savings dry to pay for things that you all need, rather than using the renewable resource that is his salary.

You need to have a very frank and open discussion about this job of his, and whether there's a way for him to get out of it, rather than continuing to feel shackled to it and hating every minute of it (if that is in fact what is happening).

Have you fallen into a 1950s set up and he’s getting too used to it?

But at least in the 1950's, the man paid for everything. This guy wants his cake and eat it too.

He's not thinking of you as a team at all
It is ridiculous that you're using your savings to pay for groceries when he's earning over 60k. Ridiculous.

Don't put up with this shit

I've just re-read the original post and it's one long whinge.
A SAHM with one child of 11 months should be able to get through most days without this constant level of total exhaustion. She could start solids instead of breastfeeding . If the little one wakes up every hour or two, then how come her DH manages to sleep through it all and get a perfect night's sleep? How come she hasn't got help to address that problem? A child of nearly one year old shouldn't be waking up every hour or two. I know it's possible of course, but to put up with it for nearly a year without trying to address it seems difficult to understand, especially if the result is that the op is too exhausted to even get through the day.

Nearly every suggestion of help or improvement from here has been met with a response of new drip fed information and unmanageable hurdles.
I just get the impression that the op simply wants to continue to stay at home and not go out to work. The result of that kind of mindset is often that the less you do ,the more you just want to do nothing.

Regarding the surgery, is there an operation available that could help and if so, how much would it cost to have it done privately?
It sounds like the op is a bit depressed and maybe she should get help for that. Would it be possible that if her underlying pain from the birth is holding her back, the some inputs about the depression may help to get it done on the NHS.

The financials are a different matter and I agree with much of what has been said here.
The constant whinging is annoying. It's obvious that with her qualifications she should be able to get a better job than minimum wage if she looked hard enough. It does take some personal motivation though. It won't come flying through the letterbox by itself.

Your husband doesn't seem like a very nice loving man. Does he do anything with his child?

It sounds like you need to sit down and talk properly about your financial arrangements. You're both in a position where it's possible for you to be a SAHM and it appears to be what you both want.
Yet he is ruining that with his awful attitude.

Secondly, book yourself in for whatever medical care you need. Health is extremely important. Any man who begrudges you that is seriously not someone you should be spending your life with.

I think he sees you as the financially secure one with half the house paid off, savings, plus you have primary care of your child whilst he's having to work non stop to earn his money. But instead of being happy about having a wide who contributes so much he belittles it and is trying to get his hands on your finances without sharing his.

Op you really do need to stand up for yourself more.

OP it sounds like you're all having a really tough time. There's been lots of great practical advice already but that will only help if you have the energy to follow it through. Your health, mental and physical, both sound poor right now so if at all.possible please prioritise that above all else. Use some of your money to get surgery and seek support for your mental health too. Its draining having a non sleeper, my first didn't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time until about 20months old and didn't reliably sleep 8hrs until age 3.5. I was going crazy with lack of sleep and was eventually referred for cpunselling due to postnatal anxiety and depression. Don't let yourself get into my mess, take action now to get your health back as you'll need to be fighting fit to get back to work and to address the imbalance in your marriage

Seconded, Pink.

Cannot remember who said it but if you’re suffering and feeling low overwhelmed etc, take a look at the world around you and ask yourself ‘are they contributing to my situation in a negative way?’

Is he feeling a bit ground down having to work such long hours for any employer he hates… an employer who refers to his child as 'that fucking baby'? Maybe the way forward is for him to actively job search for something more 'civilised' for want of a better word.

DH insists I’m being selfish for considering spending any of it on surgery or on myself. He complained that I haven’t transferred it into our joint savings and said he’ll get half of it if I leave him.

So much abusive crap from this man but this really stood out to me. A dog in the street would have more sympathy for you.

My guess is as soon as the last of your inheritances are accessible to him, he will scarper off, having lined his pockets and will pay you minimum maintenance if any. My money is on none.

It never ceases to amaze me what people will tolerate from the very people who are supposed to be nicest to them - the people who are actually supposed to LIKE them - not regard them as a cash cow who can limp on with her pain because alleviating that pain has no benefit for him apparently. You do know that there are men out there who would take a second job to save to pay for an operation that would alleviate their wife's pain.

He is really twisted.

I hope you can get some distance so you can see this.

Good luck.

Get the surgery you need instantly. Just book it and do it.

Your need to return to work. There is no reason whatsoever you can't find well paid work.

You will have to make compromises but they will be for your longer term benefit.

I would move any assets you have. Turn them liquid and hide them.

If your husband won't support you then you have no choice. He also needs to make compromises. When you see he is doing that then you will be a team once more,

Act now.

Also, go and get help to sort your child's sleep issues. Whatever it takes. You need all the pieces in place to be in a strong a position as possible for the next few years.

I had a calm chat with DH about money. Said I could get a job and based on past experience I might be able to achieve £15-20k, which is enough to pay my half of nursery and have enough left to cover my half of expenses. Of course he would have to pay his half of nursery and do half of the pickups/dropoffs and sick days, half of the nights, half of the housework, and he wouldn’t be able to just swan off on 2-3 day business trips. He’d also have to quit his football team (which is a full Saturday one week and a Tuesday night the next week) because I can’t guarantee I won’t be on the rota to work on any given Saturday.

Apparently he thinks DS is too young to be in full time nursery, and he has zero flexibility at work so wouldn’t be able to do any pickups/dropoffs or sick days, he needs to be well rested for work so couldn’t do any nights, he can’t control when he’ll be away overnight or for how long, and it’s “unfair” of me to “take away” his only hobby. He’d have to find a job with less responsibility in order to be able to do his half and it would pay less so we’d be worse off.

He said I’m being ridiculous and there’s no need for me to work. I said there is a need because he keeps complaining that I don’t work and he’s taking all the pressure and expense as the sole earner, so he needs to understand that this is the price of rectifying that situation.

So basically that’s how we left it. I can’t possibly work and still do virtually all the childcare and be 100% flexible. Which is what he appears to want.

You aren't really dealing with the fundamental issue which is that he doesn't value your contributions at all, isn't very nice to you, and thinks his life, job, hobbies, and everything are WAY more important than anything in your life - including any pain you may have from birth injuries. You couldn't pay me to live with someone like that.