DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

I'm not sure about the outrage on he got asked to do a weeks shop after work I've done a weeks shop plenty of times after finishing a full day of work. Or is it because he is male that it is a problem? Just because op is at home doesn't mean he just gets to go to work and do sod all else. What an easy life that would be!
The bigger issue here is that if you go back to work you are solely responsible for paying all childcare. That's wrong and doesn't work like that. The child is not just your responsibility, even being a sahm he should still be looking after and doing things for his child/home.
Your whole situation is wrong especially using your savings on groceries. He should be covering all costs plus giving you an allowance. Plus doing his fair share.
This is financial abuse.

Go out and get a job and stop expecting him to support you and your dc.

How would DH respond if you said to him
"DH, I've been thinking about our finances and I'm getting quite worried. I've been using my savings to pay for groceries, and I've nearly run out. And on reflection, I don't think it's fair that I've been feeling obliged to do this while I've been taking care of DS.

Do we need to reconsider me being a SAHM? The way I see it, I can carry on at home, but all our money goes into one pot and we set a monthly budget to make sure we've got everything covered.
Or I find a job and we share the childcare. Again, all money I earn would go into a shared pot.
Unless we start sharing our money, you are going to throw comments in my face about 'paying for everything' and I'm going to be worried about my savings running out and not having enough to pay for a coffee, haircut or softplay for DS. I don't know how we've slipped,into this situation, but I'm sure you can see that it isn't fair and we need to agree a sensible plan between us"

If you said that, would he wake up and realise how he's been treating you so badly?

I think there are a few things you need to change here.
First, start claiming child benefit
Second, get a joint account - all income goes in, all bills including groceries comes out, make sure you and your DH have equal spending/saving money left over
Third, get into work or training asap. You need to ensure you will have the ability to look after yourself and your ds in the future

Seriously, is this thread full of trolls or is everyone posting from Stepford?

This isn’t just about him having to do the grocery shop as a one off. Although as an aside why the hell shouldn’t he?

He clearly resents having to provide for you financially and you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position to rely on him completely for that. Childcare costs are both of your responsibility, they don’t just come out of your wages. Even if you don’t want to work, or think the jobs you could do are menial, it will give you financial independence from him.

You know you can do a shop online on your phone right? its pretty easy and simple. the same way you are posting on this thread is the sameway you can do an online shop.

Have you ever actually talked about finances?

Whether we like to admit it or not, many men do not value what a sahm mother does at home . The fact that the Op’s husband thinks that he pays for everything is very telling and would set off alarm bells .
This is why I refused to give up my career to stay at home
I have a wonderful husband who would be quite happy for me to stay at home, but I wouldn’t do it.

Your husband earns enough money to do some of the grocery shopping (especially as half of your mortgage is paid off.) He resents feeding his family. That's a worrying sign. Also, if you did work, the childcare costs wouldn't just be your responsibility to cover. They would be a joint expense. If he thinks anything other than that, that's also a worrying sign. And frankly he could be more helpful with your baby. My husband has always worked full time. But he has also changed nappys and bathed our children when he gets home. Lots of red flags OP. Hope you are ok.

Why is childcare a joint responsibility but earning money and pay for the family not? I’m baffled. Why is it ok to just abdicate any financial responsibility for the family because you fancy not working. How nice to just be able to declare “it’s not worth it” and stay at home.
OP - get a job! Childcare AND earning money is a joint responsibility. You’ve just opted out of one element without any discussion. Get a job and contribute to the family income. Split childcare costs in proportion to wage. If he’s earning 60K then he can contribute more to childcare while you need it. You need to try to make your employment prospects better. Your DH is not earning 60K by accident - no one gets that wage without working their arse off. You need to find some of that work ethic and he needs to become a proper dad by doing half the childcare. Given the chance, he’ll love it. Most men, once given the chance and a few weeks to get used to it, actually love looking after their kids. They just aren’t given the chance.

Stardust, I have read the thread. OP thinks it's her decision alone to choose not to work and her DH should put up with it because he has a decent salary. Her paying off a chink of the mortgage has nothing to do with it. It doesn't mean she now gets to do as she pleases and he has to put up and shut up.

OP kept her savings away from DH but he's expected to hand over everything, the double standards are rife.

As for her paying for food, why on earth shouldn't she? He's picking up the tab for everything else.

Pretty much all of this post is wrong thebigbangrocks. Because:

1. OP having paid for half the house, not just a chunk of the mortgage but 50% AND thus securing him a lower interest rate for his half has literally everything to do with it. This is because he wrongly thinks he's subsidising her, but the fact that she has paid her 50% already and has also made his housing costs cheaper in the process is a substantial part of the reason why he in fact isn't.

1. He's not picking up the tab for everything else. He's paying at best half the housing costs, which her capital has made cheaper for him, and not having to make any contribution towards childcare either financially or in terms of restricting his work hours by taking a share of drop offs, sick days etc.

1. She is hardly keeping her savings to herself when they are being used to pay for the food he and their joint child eat. This is nonsensical.

I do actually think OP needs a plan to get back to work anyway, but not because he's subsidising her. He's clearly not. It's because he's stupid and blinkered enough to think he is, when his wife's finances and care of their child mean he's only responsible for 50% of their housing costs at a cheaper rate than he could otherwise obtain, no childcare costs or sick days, pick ups etc and the smaller bills.

He's unhappy about being the only wage earner. So call his bluff - offer to go back to work.

Tell him you're exhausted from being the only person doing any childcare and housework, and you'd welcome splitting it more evenly.

Of course, it means he'll need to amend his hours to do half the caregiving/housework. But that's the trade-off:

1. An extra income, but he'll have to change his work to accommodate half the childcare, and pull his weight with the housework
2. Continue as you are, but he needs to pay for everything because you have no income.

God, some people are pretty hard on the OP for not working yet. I'm guessing they didn't read the first post in which she said she's still suffering with long term pain due to birth injuries, so I'm not sure what she should be expected to do right now. To me from her first post, she doesn't seem in a position to be working, and that's OK too.

I can see why he was annoyed at having to do a weekly shop on his way home from a job where it sounds like the hours are long. I would be annoyed too.
When I was married (briefly) I was only 'allowed' eight months off with my daughter (husband was desperate to get me back to work) and I had to take out a loan so that I could keep paying the same contribution to joint account that I'd made before going on maternity leave.
I thought it was completely normal until I talked to other women. Of course it wasn't but thank God I did go back to work because I was a single mum by the time my daughter was 13 months old.
I did feel, however much of a bastard my ex husband was about many, many things that while on maternity leave, that it was my responsibility to sort everything else out - so food was always in, dinner was always cooked and I would not expect him to get up in the night to see to our daughter. This is your 'job' while you're lucky enough to be at home with your child and I'm sorry, but for a normal person with a normal child it shouldn't be that difficult.
Looking back I don't know if I was delusional/manipulated or what but, going back to original question I can see why he was annoyed.
If it were me I'd be getting
myself some kind of job sharpish for my own independence.

I don’t understand how you can be married and have a child but appear to have totally separate finances. The first thing DH and I did when we moved in together was set up a joint bank account and joint credit card. We both pay money in and everything is pooled to pay for all household and childcare related expenses

So you don't understand that people are different and not everyone does the same as you? that's pretty narrow minded.

The issue imo isn't that the finances are separate, that can work fine as long as it's fair, this clearly isn't fair but it's not becasue there are separate bank accounts

No-one has the right to dictate how your family operates OP. You can split wage earning and domestic work and child rearing however you both see fit. But the crux of it is that you need to discuss it and BOTH be happy.

It's quite difficult to tell from your posts whether your partner is being financially abusive or unthinking. Either way, it's definitely not right that you're paying for food out of your savings. If nothing else it's not sustainable. Have you not had this conversation because you're afraid to do so? Or because it just hasn't happened?

I think some people, often men, see things from their own point of view, and very unimaginative. Some other people, often women, won't put themselves first and get downtrodden. That's a recipe for unintentional abuse.
If you can explain that you are home to look after dc, not to do every damn thing, and that your financial situation is changed, so it's a choice of you working and he pulls his weight, or supporting you to run the house and baby, a reasonable person would make the adjustments and see your point. If he's not reasonable he can go, you can get a lodger to pay the mortgage. Get the upper hand, don't be wet, he may step up and not realise. If he's a git get rid.

This thread is full of snarkey arseholes

Of course there's online shopping but you don't click a button and your shopping magically appears in seconds I'm
Still waiting for my milk delivery for Friday the weather has disrupted things.

You shouldn't be putting yourself into hardship and use "your" savings why isn't it household money anyway and likewise why isn't his.

Of course there's online shopping but you don't click a button and your shopping magically appears in seconds I'm
Still waiting for my milk delivery for Friday the weather has disrupted things.*

Loads of places offer same day delivery, tescos, amazon. Op didnt say she couldnt get one she said it was hard to do an online shop with an 11 month old to look after 🙄 Im sorry but it isnt hard, if she can post on mn she can do an online shop, I manage to do one with 4 kids to look after, I can see why hes annoyed, it seems lazy. Im also going to be “lugging” 4 to the shop today op said she couldnt be bothered, So again can see why he is annoyed.

@Noname99

I don’t know where to start with what you’ve suggested in your post.

1)Me not working made it cheaper due to childcare costs.
2)Me not working meant DH could put in long hours, leading to earlier promotions and consequently higher income.
3)Me not working meant that DH didn’t ever need to worry about drop offs or pick ups or sick days.
4)Me not working meant he didn’t need to come home and start cooking (although he absolutely would if asked) start cleaning or thing about house admin.
5)DH and I did a similar degree. I did slightly better. He opted for a financial based lucrative career whereas I opted for public sector work. The fact his salary vastly outstrips mine has nothing to do with the fact that he works harder that me and everything to do with (a) the career path he chose (b) the fact I facilitated it.

The thing that is glaring obvious from all of this is that the OP has not really given enough information to conclude that the DH is financial abusive.

She decided to stop working - not entirely sure he agreed to this. But because she's paid half of the house, this is fine? It might well be, but without a grown up mature discussion with her husband, it's a bit presumptuous.

The OP sounds a bit like a martyr, and the DH sounds a bit of a knob. Why not just talk to each other.

I do claim child benefit for the NI component. But obviously I don’t receive any money.

Simply the question is can you afford childcare out your joint incomes
What’s the point if we’re worse off for me working? Childcare costs more than I’d earn. I don’t see the point of putting my child into care when we’re not gaining any benefit from it.

Is it possible to use your time at home to improve your qualifications so that you have more choice than minimum wage jobs?
I already have a PhD. I’m overqualified for everything except non-existent research and lecturing posts.

Go get a job on the weekend and get your husband to do the childcare, even stacking shelves in Tesco will be better than having no financial independence

You had a fight and now you going to deep into it ( unless there's other issues)
I ask my dp to get food or bits on the way home but not a full shop and I think that's where you went wrong too. If course he could do one, but it may of been the way you added it on to just getting something for dinner. He maybe stressed and then you both Escalated the fight. Adding other points to prove each other wrong.