DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

you have basically funded your half of the housing costs already
I’ve pointed this out to him before. DF died and left me his house, which I sold and paid off my half of our mortgage. But DH insists that can’t be counted as my contribution because I haven’t earned it, it was given to me by DF. So it’s DF’s money not mine.

Good god what is wrong with these men!

Why on earth are you unsing savings to pay for groceries? The ‘family money’ should pay for it. Ie whatever you both being to the household is put in one pot to support everyone. Whatever is left us split 50/50

He couldn’t do his job without your support.

He should be doing 50% of all household chores and child related jobs when he’s at home.

You being a sahp doesn’t mean he simply goes to work and has everything else done for him.

Even when I was a SAHP, that was my Mon-Fri job. At the weekend, DH and I split everything. We each had a lie in and we each gave the other some time away from the kids when they were babies/toddlers. OP, your marriage doesn’t sound like much of a partnership to me.

Yeah, no. Its your money. And it certainly isn't his, which is the salient point here. If he didn't think it was your money, he shouldn't have jointly purchased a house with you using it. As I said before, he wants to have his cake and eat it.

1)Me not working made it cheaper due to childcare costs.
2)Me not working meant DH could put in long hours, leading to earlier promotions and consequently higher income.
3)Me not working meant that DH didn’t ever need to worry about drop offs or pick ups or sick days.

That’s my situation too. We’d be worse off if I worked. I’d be paying someone else more to do my childcare than I’d be getting paid myself. Especially if you factor in DH doing long hours and overnight business trips that sometimes last 2-3 days, and being completely unable to take a sick day or do any pick ups or drop offs. He has to prioritise his job 100% and has zero flexibility.

Please contact Women's Aid. This is financial abuse. On 60K he should be looking after you and your child. Not you spending your savings on food for him.
You could be far better off without him.

I do have £15k in another account that my Gran left it to me. DH knows about it. I haven’t touched it since it was deposited - I’m keeping it to retrain or start a business when DS goes to nursery, but I’m also thinking about elective surgery to repair birth injuries that the NHS won’t cover.

DH insists I’m being selfish for considering spending any of it on surgery or on myself. He complained that I haven’t transferred it into our joint savings and said he’ll get half of it if I leave him.

So given your recent updates, how exactly does he envisage it looking if you go back to work? The household will be losing money, which will have to be compensated for with cuts elsewhere. Where will that come from? How does he envisage the drop offs, pick ups and sick days looking? Because these are all questions that will need to be answered.

For all that he's taking the piss and has more front than Blackpool claiming that he's subsidising you, he's got the germ of a point in there in that only one working partner is placing all eggs in one basket. It would be legit to want a plan for you to go back to work in some capacity, which includes part time, purely as insurance in case he can't work. However, given your earning potential and the reality that, let's be honest, you're going to end up being the one taking all the time off for illness and therefore won't be able to progress, your work is going to be a cost. One that has to be budgeted for. He will need to understand and be on board with this.

Why on earth are you unsing savings to pay for groceries?

Because he would argue that the savings I have in my name are “ours”, just as his earnings are “ours”. So it’s irrelevant which pot the groceries come out of, it’s all “ours”.

The reason I pay for the groceries out of my savings account is simply so he doesn’t whinge about “paying for everything”.

Why are you with a man who doesn't want to share his life with you?
and more importantly provide for his family?
Surely you are worth more than this.

To those who say they'd be annoyed at having to do a weeks shop (with a list provided) as a one off for your knackered partner- what planet are you on? It takes half an hour and do you think anyone ever wants to do a grocery shop?? Plus thats the easy bit- the OP still had to meal plan, compile list, put it all away and cook at the meals no doubt.

He is being vvv unreasonable. Agree with PP- tell him youre pissed off with him having a go at you so youre going to get a job and he'll have to do half the shitwork. Lets see what he says then.

Do not touch your remaining savings. Promise.

Your salary doesn't need to cover all the childcare costs. He so desperately wants you to work so you can contribute, then that means childcare is a joint bill.

Get a job, present him with the bill for 50% of the childcare costs. The kid is 50% his so every single related cost must be split if he demands that you work.

how exactly does he envisage it looking if you go back to work? How does he envisage the drop offs, pick ups and sick days looking?

His job requires 100% commitment, he has to work whatever hours are necessary without question and go on overnight trips of 1-3 nights probably about once a month, sometimes more. I never know what time he’ll be home and neither does he. That’s non-negotiable and I have to work around that, so I have to do all sick days and appointments, and all drop offs and pick ups when DS is old enough to go.

So my job would have to be sufficiently flexible (unimportant and casual) to allow me to do all that. I have no backup because none of the grandparents could do any childcare even if I asked, and there are no aunts or uncles either. Basically childcare is 100% my responsibility, apart from when DH does occasional bedtimes or weekends when he’s available.

Sounds like a normal argument in a normal relationship to me.

It sucks being asked to do the shopping on the way home from work....it feels like you just can’t get home.

It also sucks doing everything in the house....constantly!

Your both tired and over worked (normal with a young baby) and are just lashing out at each other.

I’m sure when it comes to it he will be fine paying, we was probably annoyed and wanted to be mean, that happens sometimes.

You sound like you do a lot too, it’s fine to not be bothered now and again to do things.

Especially if you factor in DH doing long hours and overnight business trips that sometimes last 2-3 days, and being completely unable to take a sick day or do any pick ups or drop offs. He has to prioritise his job 100% and has zero flexibility.

The problem is he's only seeing the upside to you working - more money - and isn't factoring in the downside. If you were working again, he wouldn't be able to go on every 2-3 day business trip (only those that fitted in with your schedule), he would have to cover half the sick days and half the pick-ups or drop offs. He would no longer be able to prioritise his job above his responsibility to his children, and would have to either request flexibility, or change to a new job that allowed him flexibility.

... I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that's not what he wants. He may need you to point it out.

Hang on, normal healthy relationships don't have the husband pointing out that they'll get half of what your granny left you if you leave them. Or saying that the half of the house that you own 'isn't really your half, but is your late fathers' just because that was who you got the money from, indirectly. You still own half the house! What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
You sound a bit ground down by his attitude. I'm glad you're posting here. I was with someone like this, and in my experience it doesn't get better. I'd be making plans for what I'd do if I left. And would probably get some free legal advice.

Because he would argue that the savings I have in my name are “ours”, just as his earnings are “ours”.

He doesn’t think his earnings are ‘ours’ though does he? Or he wouldn’t whinge about paying for everything the rest of the time. He thinks your money is shared, his is his alone, and you should be grateful that he’s ‘supporting’ you by spending of those earnings on your household or his child.

Don’t get yourself in a situation where your savings are all gone and you’re having to coax an allowance out of him every week. Plenty of careers out there you’re qualified for, it’s not academia or nothing even with the most niche PhD imaginable.

Honestly, OP, your DH sounds horrendous, how can you bear to be with him? Tight, stingy, unhelpful, greedy,unsupportive, ungrateful, mean, petty....I could go on...Jesus, I could go on. LTB and go for half. You’d probably have more money. It’s SO much easier working then being at home! Which he doesn’t realise of course...

Basically childcare is 100% my responsibility

Only because you're a SAHM. But this child has two parents - he has 50% of the responsibility whether he likes it or not.

At the moment, you're choosing to work as a team to allow him to continue in his current role. So you've taken taking on 100% of the childcare to facilitate this. If you both decide that you (OP) need to go back to work, you need to go back to the starting point of 50% responsibility and figure out how to make the new arrangement work.

• You'll have to find a job.
• He'll have to find a way to pull his weight with childcare. That may mean him looking for a new job as well.

It's completely unfair to suggest that he wants to change the arrangement AND for you to continue to have 100% childcare responsibility.

Wow he’s an utter twat. Seriously.

I couldn’t live with a man like that, never mind love, like or respect him.

I would be seeing a solicitor. I’d be getting that half the house back, and I’d be leaving him. Sooner rather than later, to ensure as little disruption and upheaval for the little one.

Despicable man.

Honestly, the more I read the worse I think it is. You are going to have a HELL of a time when you finish your savings, the financial abuse is seriously going to ramp up, you’ll have to beg for everything. After he forces you to spend all your savings first thoigh. DONT have another baby with him. You need to get out of this toxic relationship.

On min wage I end up with about £14k after tax. Transport to work costs around £2.5k. Childcare would cost somewhere in the region of £12k and I could claim about £2k of government support towards that. So if you do the maths I’m approx £30 a week better off for working.

So basically I’d be giving up my opportunity to spend time with my child, and giving myself all the hassle of covering sick days and whatever else he needs, and having to do the housework etc outside of work hours, for the benefit of £30 a week. And I’d end up spending that on work clothes and the occasional lunch or coffee and additional wear and tear on the car, so I’d basically be no better off.

DH and I have discussed this. We agreed that if there’s no financial benefit to me working then it would be better for me to SAH. So DS gets 1-1 care and there’s never any issue with DH being able to work as and when required, and I can do the housework during the week so we can both have the benefit of free evenings and weekends. But then he complains about me not contributing.

Basically I think he regrets not marrying a high earner because he keeps going on about other mums returning to work when I’m not. But these are female colleagues or friends wives who earn £50k+ and still take home £25k after tax and childcare. Even if I return to work I have no hope of matching that.

Fml have you heard yourself OP?

Your savings and inheritances are joint - his salary is his

Your savings are for buying food - a regular unavoidable bill that all three of you use.

You can't use your savings to have surgery which would stop you being in permanent severe pain because he says it's a waste?!

Your half of the mortgage can't have been paid off because money that your father left to you was not indeed for you

You and your baby relying on his income makes you fair game for being his emotional punchbag

You doing all childcare and running the home which facilitates his high flying career does not have any financial value. Therefore it is of no value to him and he is reasonable to bully you over this

This is madness, absolute madness.

Why the fuck is he whinging about paying for stuff if his salary is “shared “ money then? For you to use at your discretion? Because it’s NOT shared money, it’s HIS money and he doesn’t want you to have ANY of it because you’re bloody lazy and have an easy time of it not working. That’s what he feels deep down. It’s obvious. What a pig.

YOu are clearly in an abusive relationship. Your updates about his attitude toward your inheritance moneies from dad and grandmother are chilling: they with either don't 'count' as your contribution or they're half his if you leave him?!?!

You need to make plans to get him out. Get help.