DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

OP, your situation is all kinds of wrong. Follow the good advice above and seek proper advice from those whose job it is to support you. Womens Aid would be a good place to start.

This will only get worse. Been there, did this - twice. My story? I ended up having a breakdown, I lost my children and I was made homeless. Why? Because this kind of abuse flies over the heads of social workers and judges.

Run. Now. Whilst you still can.

Can you not see how wrong this set up is? He's financially abusing you and you appear to be sleepwalking through that and thinking it's ok that you use ALL your savings up before you go back to work to feed his worthless arse??
Seriously?

Tbh Op, so would go back to work , even if the job is not well paid.
Then your dh can work out how both of you are going to pay for childcare .

That's a good point about him doing his share of drop offs, pick ups and sick days if you go back to work OP. Do make sure that's discussed.

How can it be financial abuse when the OP refuses to work and he has no say? He's just expected to put up with it as she's female and he's male.

RTFT TheBigBangRocks. Their financial situation is far from normal. What he’s ‘putting up with’ is a SAHP partner who still pays for all her personal things and expenses for her + baby during the day and the joint food bill, out of her savings.

Op, I have always worked and had savings.
However, when I took a year off to have my first child my dh was brilliant. He paid half his wage into my account .Somtines he would do the grocery shopping other times I would. He did not want me to even touch my savings because as far as he was concerned I was taking care of OUR child.
I can under why your dh is a bit miffed about having to do a shop on the way home from work , however, I think that he was out of order bringing up the fact that he pays for everything, particularly as you are using your savings
Stop using your savings

I should have known. Several years ago I got a job in a call centre that I absolutely hated to the point that I cried every night. DH told me to quit and he’d support me because he didn’t want to see me so unhappy. So I quit, and then he had several angry outbursts about me being lazy and not contributing.

I would say that it is well overdue that you sit down with him and sort out what is going to happen financially because it sounds like he resents supporting you and DS and you are in a precarious position, but you already know that he resents this. So the question is, what are you going to do?

Have you looked at what your benefit entitlement would be if you split? If you're in a universal credit area, there's quite a long time before they'll pay towards your mortgage and even then it's interest only, for example.

It's clear from your posts that you don't see the benefit in going back to work and don't want to, but if your husband was on board and earns well enough, that would be fine. But he's not on board, his resentment is growing and he's an angry man. You need an exit plan or to find a new plan with him.

Would it be enough for him if you worked a few evening shifts? Does he want you to be out working or to be earning money to relieve him a bit? Maybe there's a compromise if you want to stay with him. I wouldn't recommend it, from what you've said, but you're very likely to have to work if you leave him anyway.

Have you actually read the thread?

She bought half the house and paid her half of everything and on top paid all the groceries. She lost her job because she was pregnant with THEIR baby and now if she works she’s expected to pay all the childcare.

Red flags of entitled twat all over the show. His attitude currently is clearly that it’s HIS money and he’s the big man having to support everything (whilst he lives in a house with only s 50% mortgage) I will bet my last penny that if OP tries to have a convo about this the outcome will be :

He owns everything
She is a gold digger
All childcare is her responsibility
All housework/shit-work/governing is her responsibility
He is. ‘Helping’ if he lifts a finger I any way shape or form.

Because she isn’t even getting child support from his income . She has already paid half the mortgage

This is just like my relationship. I had to get a pt job just to pay for food and travel for DD while she gets 15 free hours. Would love to leave but London is too expensive and still waiting for a council property.

Talk to him, plan your future - you'll be a SAHM TIL x then you'll get part time work /full time etc. Between now and then then the plan is you do the day care and you share evenings and weekends care plus he does say 30% housework so give him something to look after like the washing or food buying etc and you'll do the rest

Get the plan agreed and in place then enjoy your lives without having resentment

I don’t understand how you can be married and have a child but appear to have totally separate finances. The first thing DH and I did when we moved in together was set up a joint bank account and joint credit card. We both pay money in and everything is pooled to pay for all household and childcare related expenses.

When we were both working we both paid in, an share in proportion to our salary. When I was on mat leave I stopped paying in but still used the money and now I’m back at work as DH was made redundant so he has stopped paying in until he has a new job. I’ve not suddenly told him he can’t use the account (although we are cutting back our spending but that’s a separate issue while we live on 1 salary).

Give your DH a choice, either you SAH and he pays enough to cover all household and child related expenses, and a basic budget for you eg for phone, transport etc

OR you go back to work and you both contribute to all bills in proportion to your salary. And he has to do half the drop off and pick ups from childcare.

See what his priorities are then!

It's one thing to have separate finances, but if you're doing that then you do it properly. Not have the things one partner pays for and provides taken into account but the things the other partner pays for and provide be ignored! It seems OP's money and assets are joint and DHs are separate.

Op,
You may not want to work and that is understandably but please be aware that your long term finances are at risk.It really is important that you think of the long term as too many women sleepwalk into poverty.
In the event your H escalates his anger (he uses it to put you in your place) then you can't rely on him or a court to ensure you can manage financially.

Your H today would get 50% of current equity in the house but would also have the income to get a mortgage. He would only have to pay approx 10% of his income to you. No doubt he is saving whilst your savings are being depleted.

Definitely claim CB, you can do it online but please make it a priority.

I know it might sound like over reacting but from experience his attitude is indicative of someone who wants control.
Btw, a full shop at the end of the week was unreasonable but shouldn't have caused anger..healthy relationships would have resolved it and found a compromise, him saying "no I too tired" and agreeing to a takeaway plus shop together the day after.

The Big Bang Rocks

Before you make another ridiculous post

Read The Fucking Thread
RTFT

BettyJJ, surely leaving can’t be as bad as staying in such a soul destroying relationship?
What did you agree with your DH before your DD was born?

Also he is saving money all your savings have set up a huge deposit which will lower the mortgage

I think you need to build your financial independence for the long term.
In the meantime it's about making a joint decision with yiur OH as to when u go back to work. Stop using your savings for food and have the conversation about joint money today.

He's being shitty about this OP and you need to address that. But you also need to get a better plan for yourself in place about working. You didn't like the call centre (fair enough), you don't think it's worth rushing back to a minimum wage job.. so what are you going to do when your DS is in nursery and you have to face the rest of your working life, with or without your husband on the scene? What kind of job do you want or could you train for? You need to think a bit further ahead - as the issue with using up your savings shows.

Stardust, I have read the thread. OP thinks it's her decision alone to choose not to work and her DH should put up with it because he has a decent salary. Her paying off a chink of the mortgage has nothing to do with it. It doesn't mean she now gets to do as she pleases and he has to put up and shut up.

OP kept her savings away from DH but he's expected to hand over everything, the double standards are rife.

As for her paying for food, why on earth shouldn't she? He's picking up the tab for everything else.

If this had been a joint decision it would be different but it wasn't and even though her DH is unhappy OP isn't willing to change anything as it doesn't suit her. That's not a partnership in any shape or form.

The OP’s wages are, by the looks of it, being expected to be used to pay for childcare. Where’s ‘his’ contribution? And what about his contribution to housework/household admin/gofering? Will the OP have to work full time, pay for all childcare and do the vast majority of the shit work too whilst he occasionally ‘helps’?

His attitude thus far tell me - yes.

I would have the difficult conversation now, before your savings are exhausted, as you might need them.

@bluntness, I have read several comments of yours on various threads and I think you would be surprised about what they add up to say about you.

This family does not need to put their child in to care, the Mum does not want to go back to work so yes in this case she is being told to put her child in daycare FOR NO REASON, I do have friends who use day care for their little ones, I do not judge them in the slightest, you do what you have to do but people like THE BIG BANG ROCKS do seem to push pretty hard that all parents should go back to work almost once their baby is out of the womb do pee me off no end.

Did your stab at me make you feel better about your choices, hope it did because to be honest I probably wont give it a second thought after this post disappears.