DH is resentful about supporting me and DS

[Reticulata]

I’m currently a SAHM because my previous salary wouldn’t exceed the cost of childcare, and because we can afford it on DH’s salary and I prefer to look after DS (11mo) myself.

I usually do the grocery shopping (and pay for it out of the money I saved up when I was working) but I was tired and it had been snowing so I didn’t get round to it. So I asked DH to shop on his way home from work because we had nothing for dinner. And I sent him this week’s shopping list because I figured he was there anyway so he might as well do a full shop. I don’t even remember the last time he did any grocery shopping.

DH was really angry about being delayed on his way home. He said he could have done without having to fetch groceries and why have we not got any, and I could have just done an on-line shop a couple of days ago and had all this delivered. So I pointed out that HE could also have done an online shop. And he kicked off and said he’ll do it himself in future and he’ll have to pay for it like he pays for everything else.

So I walked out. He’s clearly resentful about having to support me and the baby until free nursery kicks in and I can go back to work. It’s his child too and if I wasn’t providing free childcare he wouldn’t be able to work either.

Now I’m worried about what his attitude will be when my savings run out and he does have to pay for groceries as well as everything else. I’ve been paying out of my savings for a year and I reckon I can cover maybe another 4-5 months but then he’ll have to pay for groceries, and the other little bits such as bus fares and pocket money so I can take the baby out to soft play etc.

I realise it’s a lot of pressure on him as the sole earner. But I’m pretty much the sole carer because he works long hours and is sometimes away overnight. I give DS every bath. I clean every poop. I breastfeed. I do every night and DS wakes up every hour or two, I’m permanently exhausted. I’m still suffering long term pain from birth injuries as well as back and shoulder pain from spending every night in an awkward position holding the baby. DH sleeps a full night Every Single Night.

Yes I could have gone grocery shopping. But it’s tiring lugging a baby round Tesco and just this once I couldn’t be bothered. Yes I could have shopped online but DS never sleeps and it’s difficult to be on the computer and supervise him at the same time. I was busy and tired and when he napped I dozed off, and then it was too late to get a delivery slot this week.

Does he value you more after this chat

If the birth injuries have left you in pain then that may be preventing you from feeling well enough to take control over your own life. As pp have said, your very first step should be having the operation you need, using your own money for that. Once that's sorted your confidence may come flooding back.

There will come a day when you look back on this period of your life and wonder why the hell you allowed anyone treat you so badly :( But it's very difficult to stand up for yourself when you have a small child, you're not very well, and you're feeling vulnerable.

Reticulata I mean this kindly but I really hope you re-read your update with an outside perspective, because he's not only unreasonable, he's crossed the line into abusive. He has made you responsible for all childcare, necessary expenses such as food (out of your savings) then denied you any opportunities to seek paid work by point blank refusing to do his share of the child care. Any hobbies or outside interests or training that you needed would also fall under this unilateral ruling by him? He is using you as a scapegoat for his negative emotions, heaping all blame for whatever he feels like on you and at the same time, trapping you into the situation by denying you opportunities to change the dynamic and escape...
Please think very seriously about seeking advice on how to leave this person, both you and importantly your child deserve so much better. You sound defeated and confused, but this is usual for those who are being emotionally and financially abused. When out of the abusive situation, the FOG (fear obligation guilt) clears and the victimised person regains their self confidence and perspective. Good luck.

He thinks your DS is too young for nursery......what he means is he doesn't want to step up.
He's controlling and abusive.n

I read this as you don't want to work and are making every excuse not to. You both sound as bad as each other.

Janecon, me too. OP clearly doesn't want to work and has worded I think so he has no choice. Millions of families have both parents working, it's not hard.

Would be funny if he calls her bluff and gets a bog standard nine to five job so he can cover drop offs etc.

I have seen your update. I think you have both missed the point. Your husband does not get to decide unilaterally on this issue.

He has a hobby two nights a week, does nothing with the child, and financially abuses you? You have bought half the house for God's sake.

Find your backbone.

Why do you not have a joint account?

OP clearly doesn't want to work and has worded I think so he has no choice. Millions of families have both parents working, it's not hard.

you think she was lying then. So why bother posting.

As for him getting a bog-standard 9-5 job! Ha. The only job change he will do is when she finally leaves him (another child and much misery later is my guess) and he goes "self-employed" so he doesn't have to pay maintenance to "support her lifestyle".

After reading your update my opinion remains the same:

Grade A Bastard.

When are you booking in for reparative surgery?

Oh ffs I'm sick to death of reading threads like this on here.

You are supposed to be in a partnership. Why are you so naive? He doesn't get to dictate your life.

Get your operation. Get a job. A weekend job. Tough shit he misses football. I bet you don't have a hobby. He can mind child you have an income.

So he’s an entitled, ungrateful, selfish wankstain. You don’t have to live like this fgs

These threads are making me so depressed. Women entering into relationships like this securing zero future for themselves and being treated like domestic slaves while haemorrhaging hard earned family assets they have. It makes my blood boil.

OP, I know it's easier said than done but you have to start building your independence and a future that will not have you be so utterly dependent on someone who gives zero fucks about you, your well-being and quite frankly your child while benefitting from your significant assets and hard work.

Heed to the advice given here. You had the conversation and you have been told in black and white how this man sees you. Listen to what he's telling you, believe it and act accordingly: start looking after your own and your child's interests because sure as hell, he won't.

First look at where you want to be in 5 years time. Start taking baby steps towards it. Start small, look into part time work whenever, see what you could do that would slowly build your confidence and get that surgery done ASAP. Put yourself first!

Pressed sent too quickly. Sorry.

Apologies if I sound harsh but the more I read it the more I feel you need advice from Women's Aid.

After reading all your updates I actually feel that his resentment is coming from hating his job and that you happen to be the one he is taking it out on.

I don't think you were wrong to put your inheritance in to a home, anything that we had come in to our house like that would also go to improving our family's (as a whole) life, so most would go to our mortgage and then we would probably take a holiday/buy a new car etc., your gran's money you should definitely be spending to improve your health if that's what you need to do to fix it, I am shocked that he would not encourage you to do so.

As a couple you need to openly communicate regularly before resentment on both side build up, that is when people explode and say things they don't mean.

I'm sorry did I read that right,he earns over 60K a year and with your full time salary too you couldn't afford childcare between you both for one child?

Does he not expect to pay towards childcare so you can both work after all your child has 2 parents who are jointly responsible.

The whole you don't work therefore you're not contributing thing really winds me up.

Once upon a time when I was a young mum in my early- mid 20's and had a mini bunch of tiny children I'd be told that by my husband and I'd wouldn't argue back but not I'm older and wiser in my mid 30's he gets told to {insert swear word} off.I tell him someone's worth isn't defined by the amount of money they earn and that him earning money during the times I was a SAHM didn't mean he was superior to me.

OP if you went back to work,would your husband split the housework,shopping and general taking care of your little one with you?,Is he going to take it in turns to get up in the night to the baby with you when you both have work the next day?.

I'm going to guess the answer would be no.

He's being an arrogant selfish arse.

OP, I've been thinking about your situation. I don't think you're lazy/workshy, as another poster said, but I do think you're terrified of the work situation post-PhD. I think this is the root cause of why you're trying to control the situation by manipulation and your H is trying to control by domineering.

I think you have a choice. You can stay locked into this situation and wake up in 20 years' time, with you both trapped in this cycle of resentment and anger towards each other. Or you could confront your fears. You must be within striking distance of a university (your own or another). Contact your university's career office - they may be useless, but even just having a conversation in which you articulate possibilities for your future may be helpful. Look at a role in university admin - they won't deem you overqualified for having a PhD, because (a) they know the job market for PhDs and (b) they like having staff who know their way around the academic system.

I feel that unconsciously, you've turned your H into your oppressor (although he may have settled very comfortably into that role) - having your autonomy taking away is very consoling when you're terrified of having to exercise that autonomy.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone with a recent PhD (technically still doing corrections), who is doing a job I'm over-qualified for (but pays better than minimum wage), who left a horrible ex and who is now a single parent. For whatever reason this might look like a horrible fate to you, but it's really not. I really like my life.

You're at a fork in the road. One path is harder in the short-term, but I believe it will take you to a better place in a few years.

Bibliomania, I absolutely agree with your analysis of why op doesn't want to work. Your first paragraph is spot on in my opinion.

Most posters on here have concentrated on painting her OH as a villain (which he may or may not be) but have mostly failed to recognise that the OP simply does not want to work and have mostly skated over that fact.

Thanks puss. I hope it's clear that I'm don't mean any disrespect to SAHMs. Being a SAHM can be a perfectly reasonable decision when all parties are happy with it. My concern here is that the OP here is clinging to an increasingly problematic situation because the alternatives are too scary.

Sorry - he sounds awful and it’s not actually universally his choice. I can’t believe you are making yourself financially dependent on this man.

Unilaterally

I think you’re right biblio - it seemed to clear that the OP doesn’t want to work and I don’t think the DH is quite the financially controlling demon he’s made out to be. I think the OP needs to be honest with herself and her dh about all of this.

Biblio, I didn't for one moment think you were being disrespectful for SAHM's. I was one for a few years with three little ones many years ago and I know how hard it is.
I also know that some people who haven't driven for a while , find it very hard to go back to it. A similar thing sometimes happens when they have been out of the workplace for a while . It's sometimes hard and intimidating to go into the challenging life of a working person.

Believeitornot, I also wondered if the OP's OH was quite as bad as he's been painted or just been a convenient bashing post in order to avoid facing and addressing the real issue . This is also not to defend him totally either.

Whether the OP wants to work or not is not the whole question though - the husband has made it clear that he will not participate in any household or child management, nor does he want to give up his salary or his hobby.
Under those circumstances it remains very difficult for the OP to get any kind of job unless she starts her own consultancy (an option for you, Reticulata? ) because she has ZERO back up. None. Her husband will not do it, because of his job.

I said upthread that I thought he might resent being made to do this job because of the money - but the latest update seems to show that the husband doesn't really want to change his role, despite its lack of flexibility.

He wants it all his own way but still wants to berate the OP for not having 36 hours in a day to do everything as well.

It's not good.

I agree, puss.

Thumb, the thing is, she can decide that the problem is with her H and wait around, fuming, for him to change. A whole lifetime can go by while you wait for that to happen. Or she can take responsibility for changing her own situation. It is possible to work in her situation - not shift work, but certainly normal office-based 9-5. The OP has agency and it don't think it's helpful to reinforce her perception that she doesn't.