Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think there's no coming back from this...

238 replies

GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 17:25

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 02/02/2019 17:36

Are you married? I guess not as you write 'DP'. Are you on the deeds of the house?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 17:39

Not married. House/mortgage in both names.

OP posts:
shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/02/2019 17:39

He doesn't sound very nice at all

I would take your DS and go your Mum's

TowelNumber42 · 02/02/2019 17:42

How often is he this much of a cock?

Heismyopendoor · 02/02/2019 17:42

He sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want to be around when he gets home, especially if he’s been drinking. Go to your mums for the night and take your kid/s.

Gems567 · 02/02/2019 17:46

Do you think he may have deliberately caused an argument with you, so he could piss off wherever he wanted to today?

MaudebeGonne · 02/02/2019 17:47

Go to your Mum's. He is either going to come home drunk and spoiling for a fight, or come home drunk and soppy (unlikely) or not come home at all. You are better off at your Mum's and leave him to it.

I would take the time to think about what you want to do next. You can't control him or what he does, you can only control how you respond to it. So you can shrug this off and forget it or you can start planning a future without him.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 17:51

He's never normally like this. He's never shouted at me the whole time we've been together. But since Ds he's changed.
He didn't need a excuse to go out today, I knew he was planning on it and was fine with it.
I kinda feel telling my mum means that's definitely it. She's already pissed with him from the other thing and I know she'll definitely say leave him if I tell her.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 17:53

I know I don't have to do what my mum says. But I mean it will make it real and I'll have to deal with it.

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 02/02/2019 17:58

I haven’t seen your previous posts about DP not liking you to have friends staying over. I can see that, if he was tired from working away for a while, he’d be put out to notice that you’d invited friends to stay over on the night he got back. We all say things we don’t mean -and wish we hadn’t - when were tired & upset. Maybe his comment about who pays the mortgage belongs in this category. Does he pay the whole mortgage? Maybe he sees your friends as freeloaders. Do you like them to come and stay because you get lonely while he’s away? It sounds like they help you with DS too, as one of them offered to look after him. Does DP realise this?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 17:59

I just don't know if one bad argument is bad enough to leave him. But I can't describe how I felt when he just started ranting, it was humiliating and I can't believe he'd do that to me. We've had arguments before and maybe the odd raised word. But it felt so personal and honestly like he hated me.

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 02/02/2019 18:01

So what if he's tired? No excuse for such an outburst. I would never behave like that and neither would DH. Don't make excuses for such awful behaviour.

fc301 · 02/02/2019 18:12

He sounds like he has no respect for you. Which is a dealbreaker. Sorry.

cheapskatemum · 02/02/2019 18:30

marvellous I would rather there were an excuse for bad behaviour. I haven’t always acted nicely, but I would hope that there were reasons behind the times I’ve acted badly. Since this is the first time GirlOnIt ‘s DP has shouted and been disrespectful, it sounds as if he was stressed about something. To my mind, the important thing is how Girl and DP move forward. If he is willing to listen to Girl telling him how he made her feel and also explain his viewpoint, in the hope of achieving conciliation, it’s a relationship worth striving for.

Jux · 02/02/2019 18:50

He's cranking it up, Girl. Put a stop to it now, if you can; this may be salvageable if he stops now.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 18:52

He didn't want my male friend staying while he was away. So he drive home last night when he was supposed to stay over. I'd arranged for my female friend to stay too, and messaged him (which showed as read) but he said he never got it. He pays the mortgage at the moment as I'm on mat leave cheap. My friends don't stay often no the male one was staying as he lives far away and we had a lunch yesterday that we do each year.

I've not gone to my mums tonight. It's freezing and she's quite rural so roads might be bad. Will see if he comes home tonight and decide what I want to do tomorrow.

OP posts:
LEELULUMPKIN · 02/02/2019 19:13

If my Dh had been away all week I would be looking forward to spending some quality time alone with him. Why do you need your friends there, is he not enough for you?

Also, If I had been working away all week I would be looking forward to being back in my own home and being able to relax without sharing it with others.

I would hate it if my DH's friends were round here when I got home.

Fl0w3r · 02/02/2019 19:15

I did see your prev post but don't think I commented on it. You're a grown woman asking for something just once, not to happen all the time. And it should be ok as a once in a blue moon thing.

I get that he was peed off about it because he was never happy with it in the first place. But what really got to me is him coming in and having a go at you (for everyone to hear and make them feel uncomfortable and wake DS up). So that's bad enough but what really really got to me was:

remember who pays the mortgage just eff right off!!!!

He might not be controlling but he's saying it to get a one up. And he's only paying it because you're on mat leave!!!!

What an a-hole.

LEELULUMPKIN · 02/02/2019 19:16

Just read my post back and don't want it to sound like you shouldn't have friends, only your DH.

Of course you should, but just trying to see it from your DH's side.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 19:25

He wasn't away all week, he wasn't supposed to be away at all. My male friend was staying and then work needed Dp to go to a different job some emergency, which meant he'd be away Friday night when my friend was staying. Dp didn't want male friend staying with me without him here. He said last night "as his girlfriend I shouldn't be wanting to spend time with other men and I must know how that looks to other people, it's embarrassing for him and makes him look foolish".

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 02/02/2019 19:37

My friend who was here, had tried to get in touch a few times today and I haven't replied, other than to say I'm ok and not to worry. I'm embarrassed and I know she's only thinking of me but I want to know what I'm doing before I speak in real life.

She sent me a long message which was lovely and supportive. But also made me think a few things not dissimilar to your post Fl0w3r. She asked since Ds what have I done or asked for for me, and it's nothing. Not until this weekend with my friends, other than gym and the odd lunch with friends (and I usually take Ds) I've not done anything. And he managed to ruin this weekend for me.
And the money, he's gone on so much about it being 'our' money and then throws it in my face. He's been a bit the same with spending, tells me use the joint account for whatever. Then he's asking me that I've bought and making little "oh that's a lot for a coat" "did you need it?" Etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 03/02/2019 09:26

He came home drunk and got into bed, wouldn't go in the spare room as "he paid for it". Me and Ds went into the spare room. He came in looking for us around 7 with a cup of tea and an apology.

I've asked him to go stay at his parents for a few days which is begging not to have to. If not I'm going my mums and I've told him if that happens I'm pretty certain I won't be coming back. Now he's sat cuddling Ds and crying.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 03/02/2019 09:33

His behaviour is obviously not on at all, and abusers are always sorry and contrite the day after. But if this change is since your DS came along and this isn’t a regular occurance I’d probably be worried that there is an underlying cause.

PND can affect men as well.

rainflowerstar · 03/02/2019 09:37

I think the reason why he it kicked off is because he was convinced in his head that you were going to cheat on him even if your female friend stayed over too. Does he normally trust you?

happytoday73 · 03/02/2019 09:44

this behaviour is not on. you need to work out if this is the way your future will be (if so please leave) or if it's a blip due to something else going on and you need to talk/resolve it.
I wish you luck! it's very hard... but you need to have your own life and he needs to not be resentful...

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread