To think there's no coming back from this...

[GirlOnIt]

Me and Dp has a argument last night (well early hours of the morning). He wasn't happy with my friends staying over (I've posted about this) and he travelled back from working away so was very tired. But he got in and basically started having a go at me, pretty horrible things said and I honestly didn't know what to do. I was in bed, and just sat there as he ranted at me. He woke Ds up and he started crying, he picked him but he wouldn't settle so he handed him to me and that's when he stopped. Then just got into bed and went to sleep. He woke up first in the morning and was banging around downstairs my friends had obviously heard us row, so they made their excuses and left sharpish. Female friend asked before going if I was ok and if I wanted her to take Ds for a bit. He heard her ask and basically told her to fuck off.

Then he got ready and left. Wouldn't say where or anything "it's none of my fucking business what he does" apparently. Nothing from him all day and I've tried a few times to get in touch. I text him to say not to come home at all and he replied 'are you forgetting who pays the mortgage babe, I'll be back when I want'.

I don't know if I'm being precious, I've never ever been shouted and sworn at like that and just kinda froze. I'm crying thinking about it now and can think of all kinds of things I'd say back. But we've never rowed like that before and I just didn't say or do anything.

I'm not sure if he's coming home, I don't want him. I'm not sure if I'm best going to my mums or asking her to come here. He'd originally made plans with his friends to do watch a match and I'm guessing that's what he's done, although I had plans that have been scraped. That means he'll be drinking though and I don't think there's going to be any point talking to him. I'm not sure I ever want to if I'm honest.

Oh he also said the “this is my house” line when I was on maternity leave & I ended up distanced from my support network because he “didn’t like them”.

Not sure what the deleted message said hadn't managed to read it.

Thank you to the rest though. I guess I'm hoping he's got some explanation and that it's just adjusting to having a baby and we'll be able to sort it out.
But I'm really not sure.

Had a few messages from him today saying how sorry he is and that he's just stressed with work and money and there's stuff that needs finishing in the house etc.
His mums phoned me and he's told her what happened. She's really cross with him and said if I need anything or her to watch Ds at all, she'll be here.

I just keep racking my brain to any sign of this kind of behaviour, but absolutely nothing.
He's always been a really good supportive partner. I've never felt unable to disagree with him or discuss things. Now I feel like going to be conscious not to do something that might upset him and I don't want that type of relationship.

My mum was a single parent to me and one of the strongest women I know. I know without a doubt I'll be absolutely fine without him. I'm hoping it maybe doesn't have to come to that, but that's down to him really.

OP do we have the same partner? OH does the exact same thing and this happened to us when DS was around 5 months old. I kicked him out and everything, was set on being just me and DS, then thought I was stupid taking him back as he begged and begged. And I'm so glad I did, DS is now 11 months and couldn't imagine life without OH, I love him dearly. I think we just went through a bit of a rough patch. I personally would just see how things pan out and if he's still a dick in weeks/ months to come, get rid! (Btw a few of my friends and family members went through this 'rough patch' around same time their LO's were that age)

Abusive and controlling behaviour often first appears with either pregnancy, and/ or the arrival of DC. It may not be but it's worth having a look online at WA/Freedom Programme so as you are aware of what it looks like.

And yes. You are right. He has made sure your friends ( male or female) won't want to stay again. And you won't want them to. This is controlling, albeit indirect. But is often how it starts and our boundaries shift, ever so slowly. Has he apologised to your friend for how he spoke to her?

I am no way condoning his abusive behaviour but I know that when I am very tired I can become completely irrational. If I understand things correctly he had been awake for 24 hours when this happened. When I have missed a night's sleep I can be very unreasonable and short tempered and lose perspective on everything. Luckily my husband is very understanding of this. When our daughter was newborn and I wasn't sleeping I flew off the handle about everything and was ridiculously emotional.

Blimey he's been pretty horrid/abusive since DS arrived, he has serious issues he needs to sort his head out and very fast if he's any possibility of a 2 nd chance from you.

One way he can begin to make amends is to apologise profusely to both of your friends, invite them round and beg them to accept, then cook dinner for you all and fuck off out.

You are right. Totally.

I won't compromise on the way he spoke to me, no. I won't compromise on him waking Ds by shouting, no. I won't compromise on him implying it's more his home than mine because I happen to be on maternity leave so not earning what he is right now, no. Those things are (NOT) acceptable to me

...they aren’t acceptable.

Whether he was tired or drunk, it’s irrelevant. He’s showing you who he really is. He told you all the right things when he needed to, so you’d keep the baby, but now he’s got you where he wants you, his true colours are showing.

I’m worried you’re going to end up like the frog in the pan.

He’s already got you being prepared to tell your friends they can’t stay... he’s trying to put you in your box now you’re on mat leave because he thinks he’s got you dependent on him so he can call the shots. He’s showing you that he’s really not a decent bloke.

This weekend that meant a lot to you was ruined by him. He should have been supporting you, doing what he could, not embarrassing your friends, humiliating you and acting like a complete bastard.

You can’t make someone BE someone they’re not. His begging and crying is not because he’s sorry, it’s because you kicking him out would ruin his ‘good guy’ image and pride.

Think about how he acted, think about how he spoke to you, think about how little he cared about DS that he woke him shouting and ask yourself if that’s how you want to live your life, becayse he WILL get worse, not better.

It’s not uncommon for a blokes true self not to show until there a baby in the scene.

Atrocious the male friend lives too far away & after being told to fuck off and feeling how she does about the way this twat is treating her friend, I can’t see her wanting to have him cook her dinner anytime soon. They do this lunch/get together each year (for a less than happy reason). He was the ultimate wanker about all of this. He’s causing issues between three people who have been good friends for years, I wouldn’t stand for it. GOOD friends are worth more than blokes like this.

My friends don't stay often no the male one was staying as he lives far away and we had a lunch yesterday that we do each year

Everything Incrediblysadtoo has said, but I think that as MIL seems to be taking him in hand then there's a good chance that h awful toddler stropping isn't the 'real' him but just a misadjustment to parenthood which can be straightened out.

It may be worth trying counselling with him. The next few weeks will tell you if it's somethng you think would help.

I would be empted to invite my friends to stay again in a couple f weeks, but that may be a bit mean!

That's my worry IncrediblySad. That this is who he is. My hearts saying it isn't, because he's normally such a good guy, he's Ds's dad and I love him. My heads saying but how could he treat me like that and be so completely different and how do I trust it won't happen again.

We have had quite a busy stressful time. We bought our house and it needed a fair bit of work and then found out I was pregnant. Dp worked pretty non stop between work and getting the house sorted ready for Ds's arrival. Since he's been working a lot of overtime to save so I can take a year off, we can finish the house and still afford a holiday, nice things etc. I do get that it could all have been stressing him out.
But he could have/should have spoken to me about it. I don't have to take a year off and if we can't afford a holiday I'm fine with that.
I don't know! He's saying he knows it's not an excuse and he can't believe he behaved like that. He's going to stay at his parents this week and just call after work to bath Ds and see him for a bit. He wants us to go away next weekend though, it's booked and he thinks it will be a good break and chance to talk.

I've spoke to my friend on the phone though and she's been so lovely! She said both of them wanted me to know that they're still 100% there for me. If I leave him, if we work it out, it doesn't effect there feelings for me or our friendship.

I am quite confused now as earlier you said he was going out a lot and leaving everything to you and now you are saying he has normally been a good and supportive partner, which is it?

You love him, he’s DS’s Dad, it’s the first time he’s acted this badly...I understand, I really do.

I just think things like ‘I’ll do as I please babe, I’m paying the mortgage don’t forget’ don’t come from nowhere...

This shit Dp didn't want male friend staying with me without him here. He said last night "as his girlfriend I shouldn't be wanting to spend time with other men and I must know how that looks to other people, it's embarrassing for him and makes him look foolish. What makes him look foolish is being a dick about you having friends staying.

Shouting at your partner like that doesn’t come naturally to decent blokes...

Shouting so you wake your small baby and don’t give a shit, doesn’t come from nowhere...

Humiliating you in front of friends, telling your friends to fuck off...

Asking you today if you’ve done his laundry?! WTAF. He should have taken the bag when he left. Not asked you if you’d done his washing FFS.

Going out all the time since you had DS & generally being a complete dick...

Read your own posts, there’s a lot more there.

None of that’s a one off loss of temper.

You’re strong and you know you’ll be fine if you separate. You will 💐. It’s a good starting point.

What’s the situation with next weekend? How many nights? How far away? Would you be taking DS? What sort of accommodation?

You hold onto those friends. Do NOT let him come between you and make it VERY clear you have every intention of inviting them BOTH to stay. They are there for you, they always will be if you let them. Him...who knows?

Like you said in a recent post. You don’t know if you can trust him anymore.

Sorry should have been clearer I meant before Ds crimson.

What strikes me about this (and I thought he was a knob from the last thread) is how he's booked for you to go away and still expects you to go away, wants to use the time to talk. He's STILL being possessive and pushy and not bloody listening to you or what is right for you! Be very very wary.

What’s the situation with next weekend? How many nights? How far away? Would you be taking DS? What sort of accommodation?

It's 4 nights. At a lodge about a hour and half away from where we live. Ds would be coming with us.
Supposed to be a surprise but I asked him to tell me and he's forwarded the details. It's for my birthday (yay, happy birthday I'm going to be having). He did say if I really don't want to go with him, why don't I still go and take a friend.

That's everything I'm thinking Incredibly. I keep playing it through my mind and thinking I must be remembering wrong because he wouldn't do or say that.

He did pick Ds straight up when he cried, although he carried on but quieter with what he was saying to me. Ds didn't stop and said give him here, which he did straight away. When I took Ds he looked at me and then he stopped. I do think when he saw me comforting Ds he looked like 'what have I just done'. I don't know difficult to explain and I'm not even convinced I'm remembering properly but I think he realised then what he was saying/doing if that makes sense.

More like he looked at you holding DS and you didn't look like a woman who was going to put up with it. He'd be gauging your reaction to him having his 'tantrum'. Probably a tantrum he's been rehearsing all the way home.

That doesn't mean his feelings weren't high and volatile, or that he didn't mean what he said. But be sure he planned to have a proper go at you about it and make sure you didn't do it again.

PLEASE don't let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you remember it wrong (speaking from experience). I've been there many times and it's so hard - I think it's called 'cognitive dissonance', the horrible discomfort that comes from trying to reconcile the 2 contradictory images of 'my loving partner and father of my child' and 'that asshole who just ripped me a new one and terrified my baby'. It seems to make no sense, and so I think we try and make sense of it by telling ourselves that if both images of our partner can't be true, there must be another explanation for the awful behaviour i.e. we remembered it wrong, it wasn't that bad etc. You are entitled to feel however you feel.

^^what they said.

When I took Ds he looked at me and then he stopped. I do think when he saw me comforting Ds he looked like 'what have I just done

Yet, he went straight to sleep. Didn’t apologise, didn’t comfort you, wouldn’t go into the spare room. Straight to sleep...

The next day he fucked off out, told you it was none of your business and would do as he pleased.

You aside...what about DS? He’s a father now, so no, he doesn’t just get to fuck off when he likes, for as long as he likes.

He’s not sorry for what he did and said, he’s sorry for himself that he’s looking like the dick he is, in front of his parents and potentially all of your family and friends unless he reels you back in.

About your birthday. Either cancel or take a friend, whichever you want. Do not go with him. Do not spend your birthday discussing his shortfalls.

He’s trying to appear SO sorry and SO lovely because he wants the ‘ideal family’ and not to look like a loser, not because he’s genuinely sorry. Push a few buttons and you’ll see the anger again.

Don’t let him come every night tomoutvDS to bed. Once or twice is more than enough. DS doesn’t need him to do it and you don’t need him in your face every night.

Tell him you don’t want to discuss anything with him until you’ve had time to think and you’ll let him know when you’re ready. He can collect anything else he needs when he visits DS.

Whether you decide to give him another chance or not is up to you, he needs to stay at his parents until YOU decide whether you want him to come home or not.

I just think things like ‘I’ll do as I please babe, I’m paying the mortgage don’t forget’ don’t come from nowhere...
This shit Dp didn't want male friend staying with me without him here. He said last night "as his girlfriend I shouldn't be wanting to spend time with other men and I must know how that looks to other people, it's embarrassing for him and makes him look foolish. What makes him look foolish is being a dick about you having friends staying.

Shouting at your partner like that doesn’t come naturally to decent blokes...
Shouting so you wake your small baby and don’t give a shit, doesn’t come from nowhere...
Humiliating you in front of friends, telling your friends to fuck off...
Asking you today if you’ve done his laundry?! WTAF. He should have taken the bag when he left. Not asked you if you’d done his washing FFS.
Going out all the time since you had DS & generally being a complete dick...

Read your own posts, there’s a lot more there.
None of that’s a one off loss of temper.
You’re strong and you know you’ll be fine if you separate. You will 💐. It’s a good starting point.

So he's happy if you'd rather take a friend? How about the 2 who just stayed the night? Is he happy if you take them?

Has he profusely apologised to them? Has he called or emailed them to say how embarrassed he is at his behaviour?

If not, why not? Why do you feel you will never invite them again rergardless? This is EXACTLY the outcome he wanted.